Dd stuck in emotionally heavy toxic friendship/gf what to do - 14

[PaperTyger]

I don't know what to do.
This developed over COVID so they have not had that much time together..

I found out they were gf and gf and before this they had been having maybe 5 in total sleepovers over about a year/year half which I've banned.

My problem is and this would be whatever sex her partner is. The girl is very insecure and has unusual living arrangements with her grandmother.

Her parent's are separated with new partner's and new DC..
Of course this has impacted her and she's very insecure and struggles to make friend's.

I had before I realised any of this already moved dd to a new school.

This girl is sweet but even as a friend I had warned dd that she's vulnerable.

Eg in front of this girl call her Emma, I mentioned dd was meeting friends from her new school that week . I felt instant tension and DD said after I was correct..

She said if she goes for a few days not message this girl she panicks.

She's very introspective and everything is always about herself. She knows what upset s her, what she can't do . Which is fabulous to have that level of self knowledge but it's constant. Emma can't do X because of y Emma won't play card game with us because y. Emma doesn't help herself making friends and closes down even when I have made the gentlest lightest comments.
If when she's over and I have said ...ok girls can you play with Gail ( not real name) younger sister...my daughter shoot's worried looks at Emma...and I feel tension. My dd is always looking at Emma to make sure she's ok....

The reason I am writing this today is because it was dd bday last week and she went to see Emma.
That night she was sobbing because of a misunderstanding. That actually turned out to be something against dd eg Emma had said she wasn't keen to do something. And yet.. whilst my dd was hurt..it turned back on her again because she had then upset Emma.

My dd is a very bright intuitive girl.
I feel she's in a controlling relationship and she can't see it.
She has ignored me when I have stressed how vulnerable Emma is.
Emma is also almost a year younger ( 10.months) than dd.

They said they hid their relationship from me because they were worried about her Grandma who they say seems homophobic

I'm mkt bothered but I am concerned dd is in an emotionally heavy relationship.

I've tried to be gentle because I don't want to drive it under ground but having said that they don't get the chanxe to see each other that much..

I was thinking of a phone curfews etc

Hi op, it's a worry when they start romantic relationships isn't it? My dd started a relationship with a girl who had been a friend to start with. She was upfront with me, and when the subject of sleepovers came up, that was a flat no. There was some objection but I kept firmly telling her I was protecting her emotionally from situations she wasn't ready for. Anyway, I suppose what I'm trying to say is that maybe some boundaries could be a good idea, a good chat about healthy relationships and other than that keep on her side. It will most likely fizzle out and then she will really need you (been there!). Good luck 👍

DD is being controlled and emotionally blackmailed by Emma. Have a calm gentle talk with DD and explain that she is not responsible for Emma's wellbeing at the expense of her own. Definitely introduce a phone curfew and try and get DD to start distancing herself x
Good luck x

Luckily DD seems quite sensible eg I said " what happens if you break up and Emma threatens to harm herself"

Dd said , well I would tell her to seek help.

Which is great but I don't think she understands how her relationship with this girl functions.

She can't see that it's all about how this girl feels, what she can deal with ,what she can't.

She's got an extremely strong personality.

Do you have much engagement with the grandmother. I would wonder what her view of it is

Its quite common for kids like that to be quite dramatic and misrepresent situations and I'd wonder what she is telling her grandmother about your daughter or you

Take decision making out of her hands and ban her from seeing Emma. Looks like Emma may be going down the SH road regardless and it's better your DD doesn't have to witness that. DD can't detangle herself from Emma's strong personality so you need to do it for her. Advise Emma's guardian/carer so they can manage whatever behaviours Emma displays as a result.

Bellac no not really.
Maybe she won't mind then being a couple but indo only because she's v insecure and needy

I think its always a good idea to have a good level of communication with parents of friends/girlfriends. The grandmother may also have a dysfunctional relationship with this girl, she might be an enabler, she might be frightened of her too, the girl might be telling her grandmother that your daughter has done or said things she hasnt. From your description there is clearly a level of emotional instability and that could result in allegations or self harm as others have said

I would make cautious contact with the woman, perhaps under the guise of checking plans or somesuch and see whether you can weave the conversation to some issues

On the other hand if you sense that your daughter is looking for an out or not quite into her, then as someone else says, call the decision for her but bear in mind that she might resent that and rebel

@bellac11
Thanks for commenting..
We had pleasant communication in the past.
It's been sort of unsaid that Emma has had a hard time and it's a good friendship between her and DD.
This was obviously when I also thought it was just that.

What I can't understand is DD really is very intuitive and yet doesn't listen to anything I have said about her.
She said she thinks o don't like Emma when all I have stressed is that she's vulnerable and may rely on ddntoo much.

Yes I forgot to add that bit in, which is that for the grandmother, your daughter can be a bit of an emotional tool to take the pressure off her, the obligation off her from this girl.

Has the grandmother implied somehow to your daughter that she is some sort of saviour type and how fab this is because poor Emma this, poor Emma that?

Your daughter may have been swept into a role of obligation and perceive she has some sort of control and power but in fact is being controlled.

its difficult. You might want to address it head on, so say you mention 'be good if you girls can play with Gail' and you see the look and tension, address it and say 'is there something wrong Emma you looked uncomfortable when I suggested that'

On the other hand that might cause tension between you and your daughter

@bellac11 yeah that's not a good idea, that's practically humiliating a child because of your concerns and that will backfire onto op's dd

I assume OP wouldnt do it in a way to humiliate the child. But is right, if something is uncomfortable or wrong in OPs house to address that.

We had a similar situation a couple of years back we live in a smallish village and a child with issues latched on to my daughter
Very sad circumstances the other child had autism but they kept attacking and upsetting my daughter so in the end I spoke to the parents and said enough was enough and I stopped my daughter seeing her

This girl goes to a special school so no school contact and so no issues there but if we see them out we are polite but absolutely no play dates or anything anymore

My child's mental health is as important as the other girls and at such a young age they shouldn't carry such burdens