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How to help dd’s boyfriend

9 replies

Aiaichipsnpie · 20/09/2022 11:49

DD is 14. She is very academically minded and has a path ahead she wants to follow ie six form, uni, postgrad etc. Her BF is the same age, lovely but very different to her. Academically he is getting c’s and b’s, would like to do a-levels but then an apprenticeship to become a mechanic. That’s fine - different career aspirations isn’t the problem. The issue is he has zero and I mean zero support at home. He shares a bedroom with his step sister who is 7, has no desk to work at, no dining table etc. every time he has ever asked for help from them with homework they’re just not interested. We gave him an old laptop of ours after it emerged he’d had to try to do all homeschooling during covid on his mobile phone but the environment at home is not conducive to doing well. He’s had so much rejection that he finds it hard to ask for help. We have made it clear to my dd that we are willing to help as much as we can but he has to be motivated and want the help. She says he does but is getting frustrated by his refusal to ask. I told her they need to go and speak to a teacher they like and trust and explain the situation at home. He also needs help to learn how to plan and manage homework. My dd is getting stressed as she wants to help him but there’s only so much she can do without negatively impacting on her own studies. I’ve said he can come round tonight - I’ve set up the dining room table so they can work there and not in her room. I am willing to help him try and plan his work and do whatever I can. I hate to see any child suffer because of their parents’ indifference but equally he isn’t my child and I can’t have him here every day - she needs her own time and he already spends plenty of time here. I guess I’m wondering how to help or if my hands are tied.

OP posts:
ZealAndArdour · 20/09/2022 11:55

I don’t have any advice but you are wonderful to care about this boy and his future so much.

maddy68 · 20/09/2022 11:57

Just offer him space to work at yours or suggest they both go to the library ?

Aiaichipsnpie · 20/09/2022 11:59

They way I look at it is that I’m helping my dad by helping him. She of course sees a future with him - and maybe it will last the course - who knows? I met my dh at 16. I want good things for her and life is obviously better if you have the qualifications you need to progress to the next stage of your life. If I can help it takes the pressure off her. And even if they drift apart, he’s a great kid and I feel like he needs a bit of cheering on by someon.

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ToFindNewWays · 20/09/2022 12:00

There’s a slight concern your DD will feel duty bound to stay with her teenage boyfriend for longer than she wants to because of his situation/your involvement. Although I do commend you for wanting to help and I would feel the same. Just make sure you check in with her about her complete freedom to end this relationship.

Ihaveamagicwand · 20/09/2022 12:04

I’m with Maddie on this. Suggest the library as an alternative to them staying at yours all the time. Also do they have homework clubs at the school?

Georgeskitchen · 20/09/2022 12:23

I echo other PPs. It's a lovely thing to want to help him but beware of your DD feeling obliged . Can the school supply him with the materials and space he needs? and of course he needs to be motivated to work hard

Aiaichipsnpie · 20/09/2022 12:24

My Dd not my dad 😂

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Aiaichipsnpie · 20/09/2022 12:26

Ihaveamagicwand · 20/09/2022 12:04

I’m with Maddie on this. Suggest the library as an alternative to them staying at yours all the time. Also do they have homework clubs at the school?

Homework club shuts at 4.30. So no time at all really. I think library is a good option but again he has to have the motivation and if he doesn’t know how to plan or approach it to tackle it, then he’ll likely just sit there procrastinating or give up. I think the school should be his first support hence why I’ve encouraged them to approach a teacher they like and trust to bring his circumstances to the attention of his other teachers.

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turquoisy · 20/09/2022 18:29

Hmmm. They're very young I wouldn't bother with him, let them have a lovely relationship that naturally fizzles out when the next best thing since sliced bread rocks up aged 15 or so.

I got 10 A-C GCSE sharing a bedroom with the sibling from hell with bunk beds, bunk beds, up to age 18 ffs I didn't have a desk or parents that gave one tiny inch about what I was doing in school.

Years later when I sat my professional exams I still studied on my bed because it's all I've known. It's absolutely possible to get decent grades wherever you study. It's the study bit you can't leave out.

If they were finishing university, planning on marriage and moving in together id suggest otherwise but for now, let it run it's course and let your dd enjoy her teenage years. Also library is good but I'd personally want my dc in the comfort of her home getting A grades

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