How to not come across as stuck up?

[Grapesornapes]

I would like some advice on how to not come across as being stuck up. I’ve been told that I can seem posh/snobby/a bit stuck up. Other people
say, “Oh I thought you were a bit posh, but you’re down to earth”. How can I make sure that I do seem down to earth? I like to think I am, but sometimes can be a tad socially awkward.

My background is that I grew up in a sub saharan african country due to my parents work. They are both British. I lived a privileged life out there in comparison to most. But if we were in the UK, we would have been very normal. I then went to private school in the UK and then on to Cambridge all the way through to my PhD. I now live in very central london, and like the arts etc. We are not rich at all, and live in a tiny flat etc.

I’ve met people at parties who have mentioned to others that they got the impression I was looking down on them. This particular person was a lovely lady, northern, working class. I was sad, as I thought we had a really nice conversation about cheap wine in tesco. The other thing is, is that my dad is really not posh, he’s from a mining village near newcastle. Some of his family get the same impression of me.

I guess it depends whether people really are actually getting a false impression of you because of how you come across ( i.e I thought my husband was very arrogant when I first met him but actually he is shy and that's how it came across to me) or because of what they think they know of you, or because you actually are, unknowingly, a little stuck up?

If someone has been told your background and they don't have personal experience of that kind of world then they may make certain assumptions about you, and there's not much you can do about as that's really their problem.

However, from what you say about ex post life in Africa, then private school and Cambridge, that does sound like your life experiences could have been quite narrow compared to other people as it is inevitable that the pool of people you encountered in all those places will not have been very diverse.

So in answer to your question, you can only seem down to earth by actually being down to earth! What job do you do now, does it allow you to mix with a range of people from different backgrounds? If not, maybe you could consider doing a hobby or some volunteering which will allow you to meet different kinds if people and see and understand some different viewpoints.

Just be yourself and smile, smile.

Annoying advice but honestly you can’t live for trying to make a good impression on others. Just be nice and know that you are.

It is tricky when you meet new people in semi-formal settings, as the first conversations often include things like "So, what do you do?" or, "Africa? And what did you do when you came back to Britain?" Or "How did you get into X profession?" which can then lead you into giving a 'potted history' of your past, which could easily translate as "oh, I see, ex-pat, Africa, resource extraction / management / engineering, privilege, London..." etc.
If you met someone for the first time at a litter-pick in the local park, or at a gym class, those first conversations might sound really different and you could steer conversation toward 'relatable' things.
As someone who also didn't grow up in the UK, I think people can, quite innocently and almost subconsciously, be extra vigilant about spotting 'difference' or potential character flaws, like a kind of unintentional confirmation bias, so 30 years later, I still go out of my way to be both really nice and simultaneously unremarkable.

There is a lot of inverse snobbery. I am solidly middle class and speak in RP, and at work some colleagues formed a view of me as stuck-up. I know because when i moved into their team and they actually worked with me they told me. They couldn't explain what made them form that impression so I'm afraid I left thinking that my accent, appearance, and apparent confidence led them to assume stuff about me. Doesn't mean you're doing something wrong, OP.

Private school, Cambridge, being able to study to PhD level, living in very central London and having hobby money to enjoy the arts: it all does sum up to you living a privileged life. There’s no point pretending otherwise.

Other people are noticing this in you, just as you’re noticing the perceived class of the person you mentioned at the party.

Try to stop focusing on class so much, in yourself and in other people, and just be yourself.

It could be something as simple as deportment - the way you carry yourself, and your inner self-confidence.

Slouch a bit.

Don't overthink this OP. Just be yourself

Ive been told in the past I seemed stuck up before people get to know me. Are you quite reserved or shy? Give a broad smile when you meet people you might find it breaks the ice more quickly

You re being socially profiled by people, which might not always be very friendly of them. A lot of people have a less exciting upbringing. Continue to be friendly and empathic, but don't change who you are.

Inverse snobbery is so ignorant. And class is such a poor indicator of behaviour frankly. There are rude and lovely people in every walk of life!

Private school, Cambridge and a PhD will almost inevitably have given you some social mannerisms which will be perceived by some as being upper class/snobby/rich, even if you're not well off. You're well educated, possibly in an academic/professional role, and for some people, that's their measure of class, more than just income.

I would try to let go of other people's perceptions of class (difficult, I realise, in the UK), and just be friendly and warm. Being shy or introverted can be interpreted as being aloof, so if it's people you see regularly, try to be outgoing and pleasant, and keep conversation focused on the present and not your past.

Well you're not working class or even lower middle class are you?

You will have a MC accent and have had MC experiences.

A small flat in central London is very expensive and is out of reach for the vast majority of people.

Just accept who you are and that people similar to you are more likely to be comfortable around you.

I'm not defending inverse snobbery, just acknowledging its existence.

I'm from a very similar background. People think I am stuck up, which I'm not. I am a bit shy/reserved, which doesn't help. I just don't mention my background at all now until I really get to know someone - otherwise there is frequently misperception of what I'm like!

Just be yourself! I've been told both that I'm "too posh" to be friends with, but at the same time been looked down on my others as I'm "not posh enough". I would say I'm pretty in the middle - sure I dress my kids in M&S but I also do my food shop at Aldi! Now I realise you just can't please anyone so you may as well suit yourself. I doubt you're coming across as snooty as it seems you're very self aware.

Are you quite reserved or shy? That can occasionally come across to other people as aloofness (although it is not the fault of the shy person).

When I first met one of oldest friends more than 20 years ago, he was the epitome of 'Mark Darcy at a Christmas party', but in actual fact, is genuinely one of the kindest, warmest people I know - just very, very shy (with a tiny hint of social awkwardness thrown in).

Alternatively, as a PP suggests, people may be either consciously or subconsciously 'socially profiling' you on introduction. It's difficult to shrug off the 'so what do you?' questions at more formal events, but could you perhaps, just an experiment, try not mentioning your background in less formal situations and see what happens?

(Obviously the social profiling is unfair, but it might give some insight into whether it is you or just other people's perception of what they 'expect' you to be.)

ill never smile again now thanks

I find that there is an instinctive inverse-snobbery by some people towards anyone with post-grad education, or who is interested in the arts. I think sometimes it is just an insecurity on their part, like they're afraid that I will look down on them for what they're interested in or what their occupation is, when it isn't always the case. I guess some people do, which is what gives rise to that stereotype, but lots of people like me just happen to enjoy the work or research or hobbies a lot, and it doesn't mean that I have anything against those who do.

sorry, typo! "anything against those who don't"

I don't know what you can do about it other than remain polite and friendly and hope (if their opinion is worth caring about) that they eventually realise you're not.

I've often been labelled as 'posh' or stuck up, but my accent doesn't help (non regional and fairly neutral). I don't care for people who decide they instantly like me equally as much as those who decide I must be stuck up or too middle class, if that makes sense

I’m the same OP, I think I give off a bit of a standoffish vibe. I am quite reserved and quiet and I think that translates into seeming unfriendly sometimes. I also have a not very regional accent due to my parents not growing up in the UK. Even though I’ve lived in the same place most of my life I’ve got a more neutral accent than most.

I’ve started trying to deliberately smile at people a bit more. I feel a bit of an idiot doing it but it’s generally quite well received.

Frankly the problem is with the people who judge you without knowing you. It's inverse snobbery and just as offensive as making snobbish judgements about people one perceives to be working or lower class. I don't think you should have to try and "dumb down" just to be accepted. If people aren't going to be open enough to be willing to give you a chance just because you talk differently to them or are better educated than them, then why would you want to be friends with such bigots.

I couldn’t be doing with that reverse snobbery. Why should you have to bow and scrape to make insecure people feel at ease? Set your friendship sights higher!

My advice (as someone who has also been accused of being stuck up) is to stop worrying so much of what others think of you and focus more on building connections with people. Think about them in the conversation rather than yourself and it will show. Some people won't like you and that's ok.

When I realized this I became a much warmer person and found it much easier to make friends.

@Whataretheodds I can’t help the way I speak. The other Mother's at school loved me once they got to know me. They actually said they thought I was too posh due to RP accent.

Honestly op sod them. If you are a decent person who tries to do her best then the problem lies with them not you. If people can't see beyond your education or accent and judge you because of them,then you are better off without the judgemental pratts. I'd work on developing your own resilience if anything, so you are not so affected by other people's opinion of you