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Do you know anyone who is really lovely and nice and completely abusive and controlling behind closed doors

25 replies

SweetTeapot · 19/09/2022 09:59

I just don't understand my dsis. Everyone who meets her outside thinks she's lovely. She has lots of friends at work. She comes across as really friendly and genuine.

People describe her as happy, bubbly, chatty, lovely.

This couldn't be further from the truth. Only we, her family know what she is like. She lives with my DM so unfortunately I can't avoid her. She treats DM like a servant. She cooks, cleans and does everything for her. She screams at her if things aren't the way she wants them. She calls her horrendous names. She can get fixated with an issue and will be incessant with DM, constantly, relentlessly going on at her about the issue to the point DM will cry and almost become ill with it.

We have lots of nephews and nieces and she makes it clear that only one or two are her "favourite" so she visibly treats the others differently eg ignoring them, not really talking to them.

She can be okay alot of the time but you're really just treading on eggshells as you don't know when her behaviour will change.

She is also very jealous and constantly compares herself to others and openly admits this. She has said some really cruel horrible things to me and other members of the family and doesn't have any filter. When you call her out on it she says well it's true / we're too sensitive/ we are the problem.

I can go on. Does anyone else know anyone like this. She hides her true self so well that noone would even believe that she would be capable of some of the things she has said / done.

OP posts:
Rubytinsleslippers · 19/09/2022 10:10

This sounds horrendous but you are all enabling her. Why does she live with your mother? If she is an adult and earning?
She is only getting away with treating people like this because it is being tolerated. People are accepting this from her. Your mum needs to ask her to leave. This is abusive. She knows no one else would put up with this which is why she can behave at work. You are all hiding her secret. Stop. Who cares what other people think? Why does that even matter? Your mum is living with her, if this was a romantic partner treating her like this would you accept it?

PrincessofWales · 19/09/2022 10:14

Yes my husband. Everyone thinks he’s lovely and kind and thoughtful. He’s a nasty abusive bastard who is only ever happy at home if he’s getting exactly what he wants.

Your sister is abusing your mum. I know it’s not an easy situation to get out of but you must try.

SweetTeapot · 19/09/2022 10:21

Unfortunately DM won't ask her to leave. She feels sorry for dsis as she hasn't found a partner and had kids like the rest of us. She was quite ill as a teenager and still has some effects of it now so she feels sorry for her that she's had a poor start in life.

Tbh I don't visit my DM as often as I had wanted to and over the years I've just fallen into a habit of not going down as much. As a result my DC aren't as close to my parents as they are to DHs.

We all keep our visits to a minimum as you honestly didn't know what the atmosphere would be like when you walked in. If we try to speak up for DM she says we have no right as we don't live with them so it's not out business.

OP posts:
piegone · 19/09/2022 10:22

I did, yes. I knew him for years at work and often met him for coffee or occasionally lunch. He was a lovely man who never let his mask slip. It later came out that he was horrifically abusive to his wife and children, he had committed several sex crimes and had been involved many years previously in a murder. He fooled me and everyone else for years. We were thrown by the revelation.

Doingprettywellthanks · 19/09/2022 10:23

A large part of this will have been poor and indulgent parenting op

VanillaParkersBowl · 19/09/2022 10:24

My ex. Life and soul, great guy, do anything for anyone (if he deems them worthy, if not he's so sadly unavailable 🙄). The only time he pretended to care about me was in company. Being alone with him could be okay, or it could be horrific. If I tried to speak about any negative stuff he had done, it simply hadn't happened and I needed to "see a shrink". He is also a thief and a conman.

Roussette · 19/09/2022 10:28

Yes I knew someone. A couple... next door neighbours. The wife was a vile horrible woman who abused her husband and despite putting on a very clever facade (a few of us mixed socially) I could see right through her very early on.

She was about 6 inches taller than him and occasionally if I was out late, and walking by their house, I could hear the most awful abusive language she was screaming at him. She was manipulative and nasty with people, all dressed up as being nice. They split up eventually thank god he got out, but she went round telling people he abused her.

I put everyone right on that, I heard and saw what she was like when the mask slipped and a few of us were out at functions and her whispering vile stuff in his ear when she thought no one noticed.

When she moved 9 years ago I actually opened a bottle of fizz. The husband and us still keep in touch with Christmas cards, he's happy now.

SweetTeapot · 19/09/2022 10:29

Doingprettywellthanks · 19/09/2022 10:23

A large part of this will have been poor and indulgent parenting op

We absolutely understand that DM has enabled her behaviour but she has become worse over the years. As she is getting more older she literally agrees with everything dsis says.

OP posts:
Twillow · 19/09/2022 10:31

Read up on codependency. It will only end if one of them wants it to.

emptylandscape · 19/09/2022 10:32

Yes, my ex. My experience was very similar to Vanilla's - he denied everything, made out I was mad.

SquirrelSoShiny · 19/09/2022 10:34

SweetTeapot · 19/09/2022 10:29

We absolutely understand that DM has enabled her behaviour but she has become worse over the years. As she is getting more older she literally agrees with everything dsis says.

Your mother is being abused by your sister. This is likely to increase as she ages. You need to be ready to do right by your mum. Keep talking, gather evidence and be ready to talk to the police and social services about your mother being vulnerable.

ShockedConfused1980 · 19/09/2022 10:39

Yes a school/dance dad. He’s very charming a business CEO. Only now since he and his wife has split up has she told me what really happened in their marriage. The discreet beatings (I.e before a night out) or a big event just to make her submissive to him.

due to the luxurious surroundings/wealth it was all hidden. She has to tread carefully even now as he gets to see his daughter and we all have to see him at pick ups knowing what a cruel cruel bastard he is.

buttons123456 · 19/09/2022 10:51

Yes , two friends husbands ! Bloody weirdos !

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 19/09/2022 11:29

My disabled friend had an amazing dh.

Until the day I saw him take a spoon off her. Apparently she could have one when he said she could.
Twat.

QuitMoaning · 19/09/2022 11:36

My best friends husband.
She knows he is and that I want her to leave him but she stays as scared of splitting the family up and having no money.
Everyone who knows them superficially thinks he is awesome, the life and soul of the party. He is spiteful, patronising and clever, very bad combination.

drpet49 · 19/09/2022 11:38

SquirrelSoShiny · 19/09/2022 10:34

Your mother is being abused by your sister. This is likely to increase as she ages. You need to be ready to do right by your mum. Keep talking, gather evidence and be ready to talk to the police and social services about your mother being vulnerable.

This, your poor mum.

drpet49 · 19/09/2022 11:40

Yes to your question OP- my friends wife. She is emotionally and financially abusive and controlling. On the outside she comes across as nice, helpful and life of the party. We hate her but he will never ever leave her unfortunately.

Afonavon · 19/09/2022 12:03

Yes, my uncle. He was a funny, handsome, charming man. He was also abusive behind closed doors. His parents knew, but chose to continue their relationship with him despite the mental trauma it caused to his victim. I am glad that he is dead.

iklboo · 19/09/2022 12:16

My ex. Friend to everyone, charming, funny, bought the beers etc. Totally abusive to me in every way at home.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 19/09/2022 14:33

I used to know someone similar - to 99.9% of the world he was no end of a good bloke, life and soul of the party, etc. So few, inc. me and dh, knew what he could really be like to his wife.
It was only after he died, and other things came to light - devastating for his widow - that I realised that he’d been a classic narcissist.

Doingprettywellthanks · 19/09/2022 14:34

SweetTeapot · 19/09/2022 10:29

We absolutely understand that DM has enabled her behaviour but she has become worse over the years. As she is getting more older she literally agrees with everything dsis says.

I’m not talking about the much loved mumsnet word “enabling”

I am talking about so so much more than that with regard to parenting. This doesn’t happen over night. This is from day 1.

setting aside your sister, how was your mother as a parent to you?

Doingprettywellthanks · 19/09/2022 14:35

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 19/09/2022 14:33

I used to know someone similar - to 99.9% of the world he was no end of a good bloke, life and soul of the party, etc. So few, inc. me and dh, knew what he could really be like to his wife.
It was only after he died, and other things came to light - devastating for his widow - that I realised that he’d been a classic narcissist.

How did you and your dh know this out of interest?

Hoppinggreen · 19/09/2022 14:36

My Father
Charming man, everyone’s friend who would do anything for anyone.
Total arsehole at home

Hearthnhome · 19/09/2022 14:39

My exh. Everyone thought he was so lovely and really non confrontational. Which was true. Unless you were me.

He eventually went and got therapy. Which seemed to just teach him how to be more sneaky about it.

I have been out for 4 years, but have the lasting gift of ptsd.

OhMerde · 19/09/2022 14:46

Lots.

Ex neighbour. Lovely and chatty and popular. Abusive to her kids and dogs behind closed doors.

Another neighbour. All smiles to the world. Abusive to kids when the door shuts.

Ex friend towards her husband. Pillar of the community. Charming, funny, incredible at small talk and putting people at their ease. Probably the worst verbal and mental abuse I've ever witnessed.

Friends husband. Nice to the rest of the world, vile to her.

My oh. Adored by everyone. Popular, funny, charismatic. Emotionally, mentally and verbally abusive to me at home.

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