When parents disagree over medical care

[Fleura]

I have a little one who is currently unwell and may or may not end up in a&e at some point over the next 24hrs so am pretty stressed out. I need some advice on how to handle the situation when parents disagree on the best course of action as this is an ongoing problem for myself and my OH.

To add some context, I suffer from health anxiety specifically around my youngest child who is very susceptible to coughs leading into breathing issues. I have addressed this with therapy over the last couple of years and am in a much better place…or at least was until he had to be hospitalised a few months ago and then back to A&E a few weeks later. I am very conscious of my anxiety, it’s very challenging mentally but I’m proud of how far I’ve come. It’s also only twice been the case that I’ve sought medical advice when there was in fact nothing to worry about so I’m not constantly dragging them to the GP or hospital for no reason.

My husband has grown up with a mother who brushed off any aches and pains so leans towards this tendency himself. He has developed a particular mistrust of doctors since having medical issues himself over the past few years. Subsequently, he is extremely reluctant to take medicine or follow up on medical advice and he applies this to our children aswell.

We have endless arguments and debates when the children are ill. During the last one, I became quite distressed as my son (5) was telling me he couldn’t breathe yet my husband was still maintaining that I was being over dramatic. The fact that we then went to A&E, were rushed through and straight onto nebs and oxygen plus an overnight stay hasn’t changed his mind. He felt the doctors were being over cautious about keeping us in and kept pestering me the next day to get discharged as quickly as possible.

I’ve suggested we go and speak to the GP together about the treatment they’ve recommended or to discuss his thoughts but he refuses to do that and says they all have different opinions anyway. My family have a long history of the same medical issue that my son might have but he ignores their advice or suggestions. I want to suggest he speak to a therapist about his anxiety over medical issues but feel this will be rebuffed in the same way.

I appreciate I’m not an easy person to be around in these situations but I am at least trying to manage it whereas he doesn’t seem to want to address it at all ☹️

Firstly, any treatment that is recommended or prescribed should be followed through.
Secondly, I’d consider having a discussion about this with your school nurse or practice nurse as it could be a safeguarding issue if he’s denying treatment.

I think everything looks quite muddy since you have anxiety and your dh has denial.

What is the problem with your dc? If you can get proper diagnosis, since you say you have a history in family, then you just need to follow the advice from drs.

My dc has chronic illness. He was in and out of hospital most of his life in early years to primary school days. But I started to realise when he was really in danger after a while. Also established the knowledge to deal with the situation so that he wouldn't get to that stage. It's scary, I know, but you need to keep level headed. Do learn to deal with illness so your dc don't get worse, but learn to know to determine when your dc need professional help.

About following the recommendation from the dr, I just ignore what your dh says. He isn't a doctor. His opinion doesn't really matter, tbh.

As pp said any prescribed treatment isn’t up for discussion, it has to happen the way the Dr has ordered.

Depending on your child’s condition you may have a checklist of signs/symptoms to look out for, print it off and keep it in the fridge or somewhere like that.

Use the NHS website to help guide you when you are in doubt. And you will learn to trust your knowledge and experience.

Your Dh needs to beware his arrogance.

I like to look at the worst case scenario if you follow each persons wishes.

In your case you waste the Doctors time and have to hang around a hospital for a while so it’s not great but not awful
If you go with your husbands view on it the worst case scenario is truly awful

You acknowledge your anxiety but does he acknowledge that his refusal to seek appropriate help may be putting your child's life at risk? He seems to be laying all of this at your door when his behaviour is clearly adding to the stress. Do you have a consultant or a nurse specialist involved in your child's care? If you do you could ask them for an action plan.

I'd override him on this.

Thanks, it’s asthma that we’re talking about but we won’t get a diagnosis until he’s older so there is no action plan or treatment plan apart from being given an inhaler. We know what to do in an emergency - I had to do that last time - but any preventative use is up in the air. We thought it might be a hayfever allergy that was the problem but that doesn’t seem to be the case since he’s got it again now so it’s an incredibly frustrating situation to be in.

I’d love nothing more than an action plan that we could put in place as soon as symptoms started but we’re not there yet unfortunately.

This is a great analogy, thank you

The paediatrician at our local A and E. Always says the same things to every parents. He says “If Mum is worried then I’m worried” and “You’re only down the road so can come back if they get worse or it happens again”. If in doubt seek appropriate medical attention.

Thanks for everyone’s input. We’ve actually had a really good chat tonight and agreed on what we were going to do together so made some small progress even if I’m still not feeling comfortable.

He won't get diagnosed until he is older for asthma, even though he is already 5? My ds already had action plan made by his consultant when he was going into nursery, for his allergy/allergy related asthma.

My parents never took me to the doctor and I am terrible at guaging when my DC need medical attention. What was helpful was a gp friend explaining to me about intercostal breathing and the need to be alert to this as a serious sign to take action.

DD is now 17 but she was often “chesty” as a baby but we didnt get an asthma diagnosis until she was rushed to hospital aged 4 and spent 24 hours on oxygen
We were told they didn’t like to “label” a child as asthmatic until they are 5

It’s very tricky when you ve a chesty wheezy child. My husband is a medic and I nursed for many years… and where he d say wait, I’d say go to A and E… things that would make me go to A and E was if the child’s respiratory age per minute was fast , like over 20 breaths a minute , and they’re a bit blue in the lips and they seem to be working hard at breathing.. it’s a tricky judgement at times but I’d rather go and been considered over zealous, and over anxious, than wait and regret not getting a child treatment sooner… if you’re worried go and get em checked .. it doesn’t matter what others think.. nurses and doctors understand and want to help.