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Original poster

Dc3 caused child in his class to have a meltdown

24 replies

elliejjtiny · 18/09/2022 16:24

Dc3 (aged 11, year 7) is being assessed for ADHD. School senco put him and a child with autism in the same class, thinking they would be friends. For a while they were but then the other child was doing a few low level annoying things like fiddling with dc's pen, taking his ruler etc.

Then Dc3 lost it, told him he wasn't his friend anymore and then said something that wasn't offensive or rude but was designed to wind the other boy up. It had the desired affect and the other boy had a complete meltdown and threw dc3's water bottle with enough force to shatter it.

School phoned us and said to DH it was an unprovoked attack on dc3 and said the boy would be told to pay for the water bottle. DH said not to worry about the water bottle, these things happen etc. I talked to dc3 and he willingly admitted that he had deliberately provoked him. He has 3 autistic brothers so knew what to do to cause maximum impact.

Should I tell the school that dc3 wasn't as innocent as they think he was or just leave it? Dc3 just has informal non funded support at school. The other child has a full time TA so I'm assuming he has an EHCP. The incident happened at the beginning of the lesson before the TA arrived so she didn't see it.

OP posts:

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 18/09/2022 16:28

I'd tell them incase your ds decideds to do it again

RachelSq · 18/09/2022 16:31

Tough one.

It’s part and parcel of being in school that sometimes a child “gets away” with something and other times gets unfairly blamed. It’s almost unfair as a parent to muscle in and change that balance.

However, on this occasion it might be worth having a word with the school especially if the issues with the two children winding each other up are continuing. Was it a one off, or is it actually not a good match?

Dotcheck · 18/09/2022 16:31

If course you tell the school. Really unfair if the other boy takes the hit for this, and your son just sails off unscathed.

However, why did the SENCO think that just because they were boys with some ‘issues’ that they needed to be herded in together?

Misandre · 18/09/2022 16:42

Yes. It's not about the specific incident. It's making the point that putting the boys together is not working, and here's the hard evidence to show it. You're informing them of that antecedents to the behaviour, which is really helpful in avoiding it happening again.

It's about helping to support the boys, not apportioning blame re the water bottle.

Surtsey · 18/09/2022 17:20

@elliejjtiny Personally, I think you need to give your dc some slack. Not only does he have to contend with three siblings with autism at home, the teachers have put him with an autistic pupil at school as well. He never gets a break from it, does he?

Flitter123 · 18/09/2022 17:25

Have they put the 2 boys together so that your son could benefit from
the other boy’s ta help and the other boy could benefit from a like minded companion? If so I probably would mention it since they are likely to be put together again and the same thing is likely to happen again.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 18/09/2022 17:30

I don’t think it would make much difference, nor should it.

I realise that things have to be handled differently when there’s SEN involved, but a child that’s just started in Y7 is going to need to learn that they can’t throw people’s water bottles around so hard that they break just because someone has said something they shouldn’t.

Leave it be and help your son learn the other things he could to when someone is annoying him.

GrunkleStan · 18/09/2022 18:09

I'd mention it.

At the moment it's recorded as an unprovoked attack, which isn't quite correct.

Otherwise the message yiu send out to your son is that he can wind someone up (ND or otherwise) and face no sanction. If I was the other parent in this scenario, I'd be furious.

As others have touched upon, at the very least, it may help the staff realise that rhis relationship isn't working.

Prescottdanni123 · 18/09/2022 18:14

I would let school know that they don't seem to be clicking with each other the way they'd hoped. If the two boys don't want to be friends, the school shouldn't try to force the issue just because they have have SENs.

Did the school try to hear both sides or did they jump on the 'The kid with autism randomly kicked off' bus?

DontLoseYourFightKid · 18/09/2022 18:27

Deliberately triggering an autistic person is a pretty shitty thing to do. Life with ASD is difficult enough as it is, this poor boy is now taking the full blame for something which could have been prevented.

leccybill · 18/09/2022 18:30

It's likely they were placed in the same class (form?) to share TA support/funding, even if you were told it was for friendship reasons.

Doingmybest12 · 18/09/2022 18:31

I would mention it as in it isn't working that these two boys are together and are not good for each other. I would say your son didn't be gave well either and both boys need to be spoken to to reinforce not to take things into their own hands.

Wishiwasatsoftplay · 18/09/2022 18:34

GrunkleStan · 18/09/2022 18:09

I'd mention it.

At the moment it's recorded as an unprovoked attack, which isn't quite correct.

Otherwise the message yiu send out to your son is that he can wind someone up (ND or otherwise) and face no sanction. If I was the other parent in this scenario, I'd be furious.

As others have touched upon, at the very least, it may help the staff realise that rhis relationship isn't working.

It’ll still be recorded as an unprovoked attack, all they mean is that the other child didn’t feel threatened, and wasn’t defending himself- it likely won’t make much difference to tell them, probably bc the ta will already know and they have decided to focus on the throwing incident as a priority, and to avoid confusion about boundaries are just making sure the other boy knows this is never acceptable- unless provoked!

Pixiedust1234 · 18/09/2022 18:36

Good grief your poor son. Of course you should teach him that what he did wasn't nice but to inform the school so they could (possibly) punish him? Your son was obviously pushed to his limits that day. You are teaching him that he is worthless and his feelings don't count.

MindGoneBlankNeedName · 18/09/2022 18:41

As an autist and the parent of two autistic children in secondary, please tell the school what happened.

Because:

A) your son wasn't innocent
B) the school shouldn't have put them together
C) school should bec onsidering the fact your son needs a break from constant company with autistic kids
D) it's the right thing to do
E) the autistic kid will have felt a lot of horrid things from what happened and we don't let things go easily

babybythesea · 18/09/2022 18:55

I’d tell them. If the other child has the potential to behave like this, then the school will be planning for it. Part of the planning will be working out what the triggers might be and then trying to manage the situation to prevent the triggers occurring in the first place. Prevention is better than cure. But for that to work you need a full understanding of situations.

In this scenario, you might not be able to stop a child saying something that upset him, but you might be able to chat with him about how others feel when he plays with their stuff, and also start working with him on ways he could avoid an outburst (does he recognise when he’s feeling angry, for example. And if so, what could he do?)

not so much about blame but making sure staff are in the best possible position to help everyone and avoid similar things happening again.

3ShotsOfEspresso · 18/09/2022 19:05

Pixiedust1234 · 18/09/2022 18:36

Hard disagree. Right now there is another kid learning he won’t be believed no matter how truthful he is. Do we just forget about that kid cos he’s autistic?!? Are you serious??

The school are unlikely to punish him if he’s honest. If anything the most likely result is praise for him being so honest.

OP you can teach him a beautiful lesson about honesty and how unconditional your love is. You’ve done an amazing job nurturing such a great relationship with him that he will tell you this stuff. And the right thing to do is let school know.

x2boys · 18/09/2022 19:18

Both children seem to rubbing each up the wrong way ,why aren't school dealing with it ?
If the other child has a 1:1 TA then they are clearly not doing their job properly why aren't they noticing the incidences from the other child?
Sounds like both boys are being failed here?

IAmTheUsername · 18/09/2022 19:22

So this child was annoying yours and he simply stated he didn't want to be friends and made a snide comment back? Then this other child smashed his water bottle?!
I don't think your son has done anything wrong. Certainly a lot less than what the other boy did. Yours must have has a real fright when he threw his water bottle like that.

Underhisi · 18/09/2022 19:26

"It's likely they were placed in the same class (form?) to share TA support/funding, even if you were told it was for friendship reasons."

Yes this will be the reason why they have been placed together.

You should tell the school because they need to manage the situation between them and be aware of the problems that may be created by placing them together.

IAmTheUsername · 18/09/2022 19:30

Had the other boy been taking his things etc for awhile or just once? If it was a few times, intentional or not I would be inclined to tell the school the other child had been bullying yours before the incident and needs moving !
I really don't know why you think your child has done anything wrong. Adults will make snide comments or retaliate in some way, why wouldn't you expect an 11 year old child too? That's a normal reaction really.

Underhisi · 18/09/2022 19:37

It's easier to manage a situation when you know the full story of what is going on. It's better for both boys.

JustLyra · 18/09/2022 19:53

You should tell the school.

They need to know what they’re doing with both boys so they can deal with them accordingly going forward.

hennaoj · 18/09/2022 20:24

The school is completely at fault here. Really bad move putting them together, if they need your child to have a 1:1 or ta time then they should be applying for that funding not expecting another child to share theirs. The Senco should know better than thinking an autistic child will get on with a child with ADHD, I quickly got fed up of being paired with any other child with sen just because I was 'different', I preferred being alone!
I'd be asking the school where the ta was during the other low level incidents.

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