Lonely and Skint

[NotRightNowNo]

Name changed for this. IRL if anyone asks I'm absolutely fine honest. Thriving without the abusive exH, never been better, found my mojo, living the dream, empowered woman in my prime.

Except underneath it all I'm very lonely and very skint. And I can't tell anyone, whenever I try i just feel lonlier. I have good friends who are supportive and I really appreciate that they can't understand as they haven't been a single parent. It's fucking difficult, and nobody gets it. Today I had a friend tell me she knows how I feel as her partner works long hours. But he still comes through the door at night. He still brings a wage in and contributes to decision making. He's there on special occasions, and when you've had a shit day, and when the teenagers are giving you the silent treatment. He's got a pension and you're looking forward to retirement in a few years, together. Your kids have parents who talk to one another.
I'm on my own with no family that help (I know this sounds self pitying but they don't live near me and they've got their own shit going on). All the expenses are mine, exH doesn't speak to me, minimal contact with DC, no co-parenting whatsoever. No one to share good times or intimacy with.
It's so fucking difficult.

Christ it’s hard isn’t it. Don’t completely know what to say, and don’t want to do platitudes.
You’re correct Being a single mum isn’t comparable to having a partner who works long hours or works away
You are the sole parent, but all the glory is yours, the stability the consistency that you give the kids. maybe they don’t get that right now, but they will get it and be appreciative.

Sorry it's like this OP. All I can say is that life is better without abuse and you did the right thing to free yourself and your child from it.
I don't know how recent the break from the ex was, but it sounds as if you are still a victim of what he did because even though he was awful to you, you still had someone to talk to.
Give yourself time to heal. It will get better and you will start to find life is better. You just have to change your mindset.
When my husband left, there was peace, and you can't put a price on that. I was broke and bills were coming in but I could sleep at night and feel safe.
You will get there.

Sounds tough.Nothing to offer but sympathy and best wishes for better days ahead. Plus respect for what you have achieved. Leaving an abusive partner is a hard thing to do

Been there. Cried many tears, and the next day got to do it all over again.

I'd like to say it gets easier. Either that or I'm more hardened to it now.

Just do your best, and have no regrets. You'll get there in the end.

@NotRightNowNo

happy to chat if you Pm

I get it OP, was in same situ, single mum, working full time in demanding job, mortgage, no financial support from ex, it’s beyond tough, it’s lonely, scary and relentless, my daughter now has her own children and says I’m her role model for strength and tenacity, I definitely didn’t feel like it, I was just holding on for grim death and trying to keep us alive,, these difficult days will pass and you are doing an incredible job, I hope these don’t feel like empty words, I truly understand, sending all love and strength your way xxxxxxx

Hi Op

I'm in your situation too. I don't think anybody can truly understand those feelings of loneliness and the overwhelming sense of responsibility unless they are or have been in it themselves. Yes of course we know it's better than being in an abusive relationship but that doesn't have to make you happy about it either.

I do a lot of smiling and waving and appearing as if everything is fine. Only 2 or 3 close friends genuinely know how i feel.
It's pretty gruelling isn't it?

As others have said, I think we just have to keep on keeping on etc. I have started doing daily gratitude lists (only as of yesterday - with a friend who is going through a bit of a crap time) and I can see how it might make me appreciative of the good things.

I've been there op, and those feelings are definitely familiar to me. It does get better though. My children, who were 6 and 1 when we split, are adults now, and we have the best relationship. Eventually I really did embrace it and especially as kids got older started doing stuff for myself, 10 years later I met someone else. DC haven't seen their father for 13 years, his loss. We were all better for not living in a toxic environment. It did take time though, you don't say how new this is?

Thank you everyone for the support , I really appreciate it. My situation isn't new, we've been split almost 5 years. I think at first I was so relieved it was genuinely much easier than being with my exH. And it still is , there are no regrets for ending it, it's just the relentlessness of it all that's the struggle at the moment. Maybe the time of year isn't helping, I'm dreading the winter months. I had a small upset recently that has really knocked me in a way thats completelydisproportionate, I think it's because I've realised how lonely I actually feel.
Anyway, it's been a releif to actually get it out there. I love MN!

Same here,op. I think the small knocks or upsets shake us more because all our emotional energy is going on keeping the boat afloat. We don’t have much to spare for the small knockbacks.

fwiw I’m in exactly the same situation, though three years out. But had a bad day yesterday & could have written your post.

but today is another day. It’s back in the saddle for another shot. Just know that others are with you, we share thr same struggles, and we’ll eventually come out the other side just fine.

Thank you. Its really tough at times. It helps to know there are others who understand .