Blended families

[ElsaSucks]

Do we think these work in general? Or if not, what are the downfalls?

I've been thinking about this since I had my own DC 2 years ago. I have step children as well.

I know that I don't feel remotely the same about my step children as I do my child, in fact id struggle to say I loved them at all. I do like them, and I enjoy seeing them with our child whom they are very good with but I don't really feel any sort of bond with them and I acknowledge now that life would be much easier if we didn't have to contend with multiple children, some of whom aren't here all the time and everything that brings, along with exes and changing schedules etc..

Knowing what I know now I just don't feel I'd ever want my child growing up on that side of a blended family (being the one with step parents and moving between homes) and that's coming from me as a step parent and knowing how I feel. Obviously it wouldn't be my choice, just musing aloud.

What's our feelings on blended families and the children involved? There are lots of times where I can see the negatives for BOTH sets of children, step children and joint children.

Some work, some don’t. Some together families work better than others.

No, I don’t think they ever work fully. They might work for the adults, and maybe even most of the children, but it seems like it must be very rare for it to truly work for everyone involved.

I think parents often kid themselves that things are working well so that they can selfishly have the partner they want when they want it, rather than because all their children are genuinely happy and well provided for.

I’ve never met one that has fully worked. The one I grew up in certainly didn’t. I wouldn’t date or be with a man who already had children because selfishly I always want his priority to be me and our children, and I know this wouldn’t be fair to any potential step kids.

Blended family is my idea of sheer hell. I’d never attempt it. If we’ve both got kids I stay with mine, he takes care of his. No blending required. Ever.

No I don't think they do. I've had friends who've been forced into a blended family by their DP. Not one has thought it was good.

It seems only the adults think they're an ok idea.

I just wouldn’t be arsed with someone else’s kids permanently in my home life. Even if they’re lovely. Blended, step or otherwise. Three of my own is quite enough without dealing with those I do not love. As well as someone else’s undoubtedly mismatched parenting techniques.
I just don’t need to live with a man that much.

Posters on Mumsnet generally seem to be negative about blended families- not really sure why.
We have one, I think it works well. All the kids get on, we make sure they have enough time together and apart. Both DH and I help out with each other’s DC, eg pick ups etc. There are no issues with either ex, everyone is very amicable. It’s just normal life. I know so many blended families in real life of varying types ( step children, half siblings etc) and generally they all work well.

I think it's unusual that they work for every member of the blended family. I do know families where it works though and that's great. I think that there are factors that make it more likely to work like amicable splits but that isn't always possible.
Ime the most common pattern I see is that the adults are happy and the kids cope when they are young (as they trust that their parent will do things in their best interest) but once older, things get much harder . Too many posts on here include words like "my husband and son (his stepson) haven't got along in years" and as an outsider it blows my mind that people stay.
Teenagers are hard and I understand that parenting other people's teens take more patience than parenting your own (especially when you don't have parental authority to punish etc) but I feel sorry for the child who is forced to tolerate their parent's spouse because they have no other choice.

It didn't work for my family. DF married a younger woman with two young children, then they quickly had two more. That left teenage me and my two siblings pretty much sidelined and now the family is more or less all about step mother's kids and us three don't get a look in.

We have a blended family, everyone is happy - I don’t think any one of us could find fault.
I think it helps that my dc are preteen (just) and my partners dc are now15 and 17 so no one is vying for the same attention etc and they all have different friends, hobbies, bedtimes etc.
my dc are far happier and more balanced than previous to us all living together