Visitor Etiquette: Buying own food

[Naijagal]

What do you think of this situation where visitors to your home go and do their own grocery shopping (no allergies or special diet).
I guess it can be seen in a positive and negative light but I wonder if people have ever had to deal with this, please let me know your perspective.

Thanks

Used to bring food to stay with in-laws, as MIL was very controlling of when/ what we could eat.

I'm allergic to tea... I turn up at my tea addict friends houses with coffee. (I don't particularly like instant coffee... its coffee bags for convenience). My friends find this allergy hilarious...

I have to admit that I have done this in the past where a relative served tiny portions (highlight was half a small chicken breast and half a small jacket potatob for dinner after a single slice of toast offered for brekkie and no lunch) and was incredulous if anyone was hungry. Because she just wouldn't accept I wasn't being greedy, I started taking my own groceries.

If you are generous with portions and have a good range of breakfast and lunch stuff then maybe they think they are helping, especially if one of them is picky or has a big appetite. I don't think I would be bothered though unless they were expecting me to make three separate meals for everyone.

Perhaps they eat more than you do and are just hungry so brought their own food. This happened to me once when I stayed with friends - they just ate very little and I was hungry. I used to go out and buy food and eat it at bus stop then return to their house!

It's interesting how are you phrase your coffee, comparing it to lower quality instant, and then how are you describe their tea when it's clear they are equally fussy.

I think it's rude if they don't have a special dietary requests and keep it to themselves

I don't have an issue when guests stay and buy groceries for the household but also obviously it's stuff they like too - my family do this often, will get nice cheeses to share, wine, breakfast bits etc.

If they're bringing in groceries for themselves and themselves alone then it's rude

I used to bring things for DD because 1)she was quite fussy e.g about breakfast cereals and 2) things she liked where quite expensive otherwise it’s more like let’s do roast chicken for dinner today, I will pay for the chicken.
I can be very fussy about some things myself e.g tea so I’ll bring it with me, I don’t mind my guests buying some things but without making a point. I know some people might have only oat milk, MIL used to have only oil and spread no butter so we were buying butter as much as we needed, we even took leftovers with us to cut waste. Bringing the whole bag and hiding it in your room does look rude.

Ha I always take my own tea bags!

When people come to stay for more than overnight they usually go and get some of their own drinks and snacks to have. My parents sometimes bring whole meals with them - they are veggies and we aren't although I'd be happy to cook a vegetarian meal for them, but they don't want to be a hassle bless them. I can't say it bothers me at all 🤷‍♀️

I think on MN you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. Either you eat all the host's food and don't pay for it or you buy your own and are rude

I think in reality (well I hope!) that when we have people to stay we do so because we like them so it doesn't really matter?

Bringing enough to share with everyone and offer the treats around, fair enough.

Smuggling food into the house and keeping it to themselves to eat in private, not so much.

Agree it depends on the relationship and now wondering if we share a BIL.

We usually buy food when at MILs but there's one of her on a pension and 5 of us on a high income, we tend to do most of the cooking as well (want to minimise the work for her when we visit). When she visits us she tends to bring chocolates and treat foods (plus anything she thinks will go off in her fridge while staying with us!) and likes to make pudding for us which is lovely.

Last time BIL came to stay he was rude about our food and our hosting. It's terribly provincial to serve lunch before 2pm apparently, and we were dreadful hosts for not anticipating that his partner would need several Cos lettuce because she thinks it's the best thing for her gut. They went to the supermarket and bought food despite the house already being full of (delicious homemade) food. DH wants them to come again for Christmas this year 😱

I think it’s a cultural thing - my overseas visitors try and buy their own food as a way of contributing for their upkeep as a guest. Not rude kind

Be a gracious guest and a generous host.
This.

When we visit the grandparents we normally stop on the way and get some things I know they don't stock but especially DD likes. It would be too difficult to send them a shopping list.

We try to go shopping for one meal and cook it.

I used to regularly take bags of shopping to a particular person’s house because if I didn’t I mightn’t eat but they were also shite at preparing for visitors in other ways

Currently I take fixings for a shared lunch to a dear friend going through chemo to give her a wee break once a week.

Aside from those two specific cases (which are obviously not the same as yours!) I usually only bring a token, like a bottle of wine or something, because I was raised to believe it was rude to visit anyone “with your two arms the one length”

When we go stay with friends we bring some general stuff like milk, eggs, muesli and snack stuff as well as booze as I don't want them to be out of pocket.
I'll also ask what's on the menu then arrange to bring stuff like a side salad eg last time we had slow cooked pork on the bbq so I made a salsa salad and a slaw to bring.

I’m a very picky eater so I always take my own food wherever I go.

I don’t care if people think it’s rude. I think it would be far ruder to allow them to make me a meal I won’t eat.

You need to talk about these things beforehand.
Were you going to cook for them? Maybe they didn't want to burden you.

Culture may be an issue too.
We did visit a family in Germany over a decade ago. They were very tight with food and we were hungry. So we asked to take us to supermarket to do a big shopping and that we wanted to contribute. I'm not sure how they understood this.

I’ve never had this happen, nor have I arrived as a guest with bags of food unless that had be agreed by my host(s), so I don’t know how I would feel. I have taken bits with me to my parents or the DCs but not complete meals unless that was planned.

Depends on the guest and frequency of visit.

Very occasional guest I'll stock the fridge with good basics and anything specific they ask for. Happy for them to do their own shop

Frequent visitors (I'd had a CF who treated me like a free hotel briefly) I'd expect to bring their own sustenance.

I have quite a restricted diet sometimes so don't always have a well stocked pantry or want to buy a load of food I can't eat that guests dont want so would be chucked out.

I always take groceries. I'm extremely fussy and it's the only way I'd stay somewhere that wasn't self catering.

I didn't even know it was rude . Whoops.

I find it hard to shop for other people. I'd ask whether they wanted anything first and see whether they did, and if they brought stuff, I'd be fine with it. I dunno why this is a thing?

If coming for an afternoon, it’s a bit weird. Coming for a few days, I think fine. Honestly, I bloody wish more people would bring their own food. We are the relations with the spare room in a nice part of the country. People want to come visit us all the time. They tend to just plop themselves down and expect to be wined and fed for days on end. I’d be so grateful if people fed themselves or contributed to a meal or offered to pay for a takeaway or brought, say, more than a bottle of wine for 4 days of meals and snacks.

I used to sneak a packet of biscuits in my bag when I was pregnant staying with MIL, as she always did meals so late and I’d get a bit faint.

Bringing your own oat milk if you. Any have dairy or decaf tea if you can’t have normal- sensible and not rude.

Other than that, I don’t really understand how it’s supposed to work. Surely if you have guests you all eat together? Do they expect you to cook two separate meals?

Be a gracious guest and a generous host.

words to live by