Don't know what to do

[juststuckandsad]

I'll try to keep it brief. Namechanged for obv reasonsz

Married for 26 years to a man who is very difficult to live with. Hard to explain, is a very good person, but is very blunt, moody and unreliable (tries but doesn't listen). I do ALL the admin and most of the domestic stuff. He absolutely helps with lots of stuff but all the thinking/organising/checking is ME and I am overloaded and overwhelmed.

We have 3 teenagers, 1 who has mental health conditions and can never be on their own, so we share the working from home to be with them.

I am so unhappy. I keep saying in my head 'I'm done, we need to separate' but the logistics are so hard, it's impossible to see how anyone could be happy after it, even though I am so unhappy now.

We will try counselling, but I know he won't change. We've been in this cycle for years.

I work part time and earn very little, he is a high earner but we have a large mortgage and a lot of outgoings (no debt but just living costs). We'd need someone with our poorly child 24/7 for a good few years, so how could it possibly work?

I know what the answer is, I just don't think we could do it. The other 2 would be devastated and their daily living would be very impacted. We couldn't afford 2 places with enough bedrooms. I don't think we could afford 2 places full stop.

We're both so miserable for different reasons (he is so unhappy at my lack of interest in him).

We can have good times but after 26 years of this and the reflection of all that's gone on, I really am at the end of something and I cannot see a way out.

I don't want to be with anyone else, I just cannot live like this anymore. He is so intense and I feel like I can't breathe around him. He takes this a rejection and is so hurt.

It's just really sad.

random z on the end of reasons, it makes me look a bit glib, I'm not! I'm not even sure what I'm looking for here, maybe just helped to get it down.

Is it possible that your child's mental health issues are made worse by the environment they're living in? They obviously know how strained and dysfunctional your marriage is.

It's hard to explain without writing war and peace.

There isn't any anger or outward hostility. We keep it steady and calm and it's actually the best it's been for them in years.

Separating would be very detrimental for them and I'm sure worse than it is now.

I am looking for advice and support for me. I know everyone else is affected but I think the alternative would be worse.

And dysfunctional is not the correct adjective to use.

Would nesting be possible? Where you have a 1 bed, or even a studio, that you and DH alternate to, to give you a break, and the children stay put?

Never thought of that. Thank you.

What I know I need to do is talk to him but how do I do that when it will just be an outpouring of criticism and how much I can't be around him? I don't know I can inflict that much hurt on him.

I've had so much therapy with my children and on my own, I have guidance on how to deal with stuff and reflect on my own feelings and behaviour. I take it on board.

DH, unfortunately, finds it exceptionally difficult to see his own behaviour. I wonder if he could be autistic. One of our other teens has ADHD.

Our house does sound dysfunctional, but I work so hard to keep it level.

I understand. But I don't know the answer. Hopefully someone wise will come along.

And of course, there is so much more to this, too much to write. I don't enjoy great health so am often wanting to go to bed or rest. He's a very active, healthy 'on the go' person.

He also is at home all the time, in which is so detrimental to his well-being too. He works from home during the day and I do a combo of both, so I get out and see people.

And he makes such a mess/gets in my way. Almost every time I do something, he shuts the door behind me, even though I've left it open to go back through (with a basket of washing for instance). He moves things that I need, Opens windows when I have shut them. He constantly asks me questions.

He wants me to be involved with everything too. Walking the dogs (I do this by myself for mindfulness) but if he wants to, he expects me to come (when he wants to go) and will ask me 5 times.

If there's anything to do in the house, he has to involve me.

And another issue but I am sick of the constant cleaning, washing, ironing and it's mostly him. Cleaning toilets after him, cleaning up the kitchen (he cooks).

None of it I suppose is that bad - I could just scream inside.

My 3 kids are all demanding in their own way and I just don't have the capacity for them all (including him).

I'm very lethargic by default. So it's not all him. I've just had enough and can't escape it.

There's so much to it and it can all be unpicked but I have no energy for it anymore.

I wonder if it's just life In general that's getting you down rather than specifically him. The monotony of it all. It's very stressful living with a teen with mental health problems (I did it for a long time until he was sectioned for a long period of time) it dominated everything.

I think it's got on top of me, because of the life around me. But the issues with him have always been there, I've always just bent and allowed him to be this way, I've now had enough. And felt like this for long enough to know I need to do something.

When he walks through the door I disappear upstairs. It's awful and not fair on him but I need to be away from him otherwise I just feel his misery and pressure on me. It's not all his fault.

Can you get some help with the housework? Cleaner / housekeeper?

If the housekeeper is in - maybe you child would be still be able to be in the house (playing computers? Or tv) but you will get a definite 3/4hr break just for you and come back to clean house……

I think you might just be mentally exhausted ….

or can’t you send him out with the other 2 children - sounds like you need some space! Or send them on a w/e break for some enjoyment time with the dad. That way you get some space in your house. Or vice Versa you go on a w/e away.

I think you need to divide and conquer - one with the Mh child and the other person out of the house.

or swimming on an evening ? Just carve out some time for yourself.

hope you get some space and domestic help

Are you experiencing symptoms of perimenopause / menopause? If so perhaps get help with that

From what I read your DH is not doing a lot wrong but you are just in different places with little communication or understanding

Getting household help and delegating is a good idea so you buy more time

Thanks for the suggestions, I really don't want to be ungrateful, but I can't do any of those things.

The kids don't want to be with him, they get on with him but never interested - they all want me or to be in their rooms. I can't have a housekeeper because we'd have to be here if they were.

I've thought about a cleaner and I may give in to that but we don't have any spare money at the moment, we have a problem with the house that's costing £££££ so that's added to the stress.

I don't think there's a solution, just all temporary plasters. I don't think I can live like this much longer - it's also not fair on him.

And I'm definitely heading into menopause but it's been like this for years, all that's happened is my tolerance for it is wearing thin.

victoriaprim's idea is good one-nesting.
you sound utterly tired of it and menopause on top of it is not good.
you definitely need a break.
your dh and one of your dc's mental conditions not easy to manage.
have you thought of going to gp and ask for what is out there to help with your dc?
something has to change, you cant continue like that. you willl lose your health.

I'm already on citalopram (have been for 11 years) my dc gets lots of help and they are doing so well right now, they Just cannot be left on their own.

Don't like to leave their siblings responsible for them so try not to do that.

I don't really know why I'm posting. I don't think there is a good answer, whatever happens there will be pain for all of us (and right now, that feels more manageable than me carrying on like this).

I will talk to him later - I don't know how it will go but we can't live in skating around it

I feel your pain no children but fed up of all the grumpiness moods (he says he’s not grumpy he should live with it then for weeks on end) I dread each winter. In the end loads came to a head I’m leaving and now can’t wait it won’t be easy but I’m looking forward to my first non grumpy Christmas for years.

Hope things are better for you @Always4Brenner

I think dh needs to see a GP but he won't. He clearly has issues, he says that you can't get a pill to kill your Libido (he says this is what causes his moods).

It's a never ending cycle. I'm ill, tired, stressed out or worried about dc and I'm not interested. He takes this as me not loving him and then starts the moods.

It's not just that tho, he is grumpy and very stroppy at times. He has little patience, especially at night (which is when 2 of the 3 kids have their worst times - it can be all hours) and does stuff that he thinks is helping (when asked) but is so ungracious about it - it upsets every one.

I feel like I have 4 kids and I resent him for this.

The thing is, he's being super nice today, and he really can be. He's not abusive or manipulative, he just says what he thinks, shows his mood easily and seems to say and do the 'wrong thing' all the time.

He has no acknowledgement when he's done something wrong and is extremely defensive. He does lots of stuff where he forgets really important things, or doesn't switch on (leaves me to sort everything) and then there's big consequences (I mean huge).

It's so stressful being the one who has to think of everything and double-check and I get things wrong too, I've just got the excuse of being overloaded. When I get something wrong or kiss something, I immediately say 'shit, I forgot this, I'm so annoyed at myself' or I say sorry. He just comes out with excuses and is very indignant - almost gas lighting?

I can't rely on him and don't feel supported, which sounds unfair because he does try it's just not really useful.

Just as a current example, I've just gone into the bathroom to get the 7th wash load out and I see he's just shaved his beard and there are loads of whiskers all over the shelf in the bathroom on top of all the bottles that are out. Lots of them.

This sort of thing happens all the time, he won't clear them up as he can't see them, apparently.

I know this is might be a normal thing but it's the 10th thing already today that I have had to sort out in his wake. Honestly.

Thank you they’re still hard but hopefully Friday I’ll know the flat is safe and mine. Then I really can look forward money will be hard (scammed and stupid bit in my part with pension but I’ll survive) pip will pay my bills pension the scam debts so that can disappear in three years time I’ll be free. I may not have much but I’ve meals for next week curry and rice for tea looking forward and yes five years down the line now the a 75 inch tv for my living room even bigger if I can get away with it. Others look forward to holidays outing etc I love my home comforts so for now teddy bear bedding a Brenner duvet cover for Christmas my biggest present but need fridge freezer first. Saving for bed now got the moving fund sorted. Mind bed could be brought first then moving fund next fortnight then next but let’s get Friday out of the way first.

Oh my stbx never says sorry either the most you’ll get is ‘I’ve not been well today’ well last Christmas I’d had enough ok my dreams shattered but I’ll survive .my stories will keep me going they have for 25 years and will do so the next 25. No more men unless he’s called Brenner 😂😂😂

It sounds like your husband has ADHD. Tablets would change all your lives completely. There are many profiles on line- have a look at the characteristics and see what you/he think. The thing about ADHD is that is not deliberate; it’s not his fault.