Does OCD make you abusive?

[Cansof]

Apologies the thread title sounds horrendous but I genuinely don't know anyone else with OCD / family members so can't discuss.

I'm really struggling with the relationship of my dsis and DM. They both live together and dsis has OCD.

Over the years as the other siblings have moved out, her behaviour has become quite controlling and in my opinion, abusive.

There are behaviours related to the OCD - she will make DM wash her hands / reclean things / rewash clean clothes etc if she feels they are now dirty. She usually will snaes at her and would go into a rage if she didn't get her way. Sometimes DM has been ill and she's made her do these tasks.

DM complies 100% with these requests no matter how unreasonable they are to keep the peace. She is always on edge trying to preempt what might trigger her - hiding things, moving things around, not mentioning things. When I visit, I need to do the same.

Then there's other behaviour which isn't related to the OCD (or at least I don't think it is but happy to be corrected). She is very controlling, doesn't let DM have visitors over, will snap at her after her friends have left as to why she invited them over, she doesn't like DM going out too much, she makes demands to DM about chores like clean this, I want to eat, get me etc. Dsis does very little housework.
She calls DM the most horrid names, calls her thick, stupid and a walkover.

She bosses DM about and DM let's her because she is ill.

It's heartbreaking to watch DM being treated like this and over the years she's socialising less and only has a few friends. My dsis behaviour makes her cry. She is ill herself with health conditions.

If you were to meet dsis, you'd think she was lovely, really chatty and nice and that's what people see her as but behind closed doors she is really hard work and completely different.

Just wondering anyone else living with family members with OCD. Is it like this?

I have lived with someone with quite severe OCD. In my experience everything revolves around the OCD and the sufferer will do anything to make sure the "rituals" are carried out. I've experienced all sorts of behavior.

Your Dsis probably feels terrified about what would happen if your DM doesn't comply with these OCD "rules". I'm not making excuses for the controlling behavior but the illness plays on your worst fears.

Your DM is probably making things worse with the complying and your Dsis's OCD may get worse if she doesn't get help. The problem is that it's difficult to get someone mental help support without their consent if someone is not a danger to themselves or others.

My DD19 has a very severe form of OCD and is housebound - I can recognise some of these behaviours; does your DSis have any treatment or medication?

As her mum I’ve seen My DD’s hopes and dreams for her young life crumble away, she can’t have friends, can’t go shopping or even walk down the road, lost the last 4 years to this evil illness and no sign of any let up. That makes her angry and I don’t blame her. however I try to set basic boundaries with her around behaviour and anger in particular - OCD will push and push to destroy as much as possible and this seems to be the case with your DSis.

OCD acts like a bully to your brain, so the person with it is being controlled by their thoughts so you have 'rules' you follow to get rid these thoughts.
The treatment involves others around you not following these arbitrary rules; but it's going to spiral the person into panic to have to deal with this so they need techniques to learn how to deal with the discomfort. They have to learn to deal with the discomfort that something terrible is going to happen if say your mum doesn't wash her hands after handling something she sees as contaminated.
The no visitor rule will be because the person with OCD can't control the visitor's behaviour. It's absolutely controlling other people but comes from the place the OCD is controlling the person.
The only way it can improve is if the person seeks help and is willing to undergo the treatment process which involves lots of discomfort on their part and they have no reason to do this if they can control others' behaviour to the degree that their world is how they want/need it to be.
So definitely controlling but they are right this is part of the illness. However the side they can't justify is why they aren't prepared to seek help and recognise how much this affects the people around them.

Any extreme behaviour is going to affect anyone around them.
Could be drugs/alcohol/too strict.

We have a family member whose extreme behaviour has burned bridge's and made it impossible to have a relationship with..
We can't go to her home because she does try and control visitors.
Tries to control through gifts and clothes.

Head, absolutely and in our family case the person with it has also bound it up with beingsuperior we have even had their spouse telling us to conform to the person with it.

Sorry,one more thing.
Yes I absolutely feel that the children who grew up with it were emotionally abused yes.
It's deeply affected them.

Wether this is OCD or not surely the issue needs to be can you help your DM who is living with this daily abuse. Even if your sister cannot help it and your mum loves her and wants to help her it sounds an awful situation.
If you DM won't ask her to leave then I doubt you can change the situation. Sounds like your sister would not be able to change if it is OCD and other MH issues.
I've never heard of OCD causing someone to pass their rituals on to someone else, I can understand the need for control though. My DD has had some terrible times with OCD but is stable with medication now.
I recognise the walking on egg shells as any innocent comment could cause a meltdown but we never had to follow the rituals as such.

I don't think the inviting people Is related to germs. She is controlling to dm about what she even says. Eg. If DM slipped into conversation tho anyone about something dsis had an issue with she would go mad. One example I remember was DM told her friend that she wanted to redecorate the living room. Dsis found out and went absolutely mental saying DM didn't have a right to tell people about their home etc.

Dsis has also become really bitter about having OCD. I hate it with a passion. She feels she's the worst off in the whole world and as a result she has lost empathy. The worst example was when our other sister had a still born. When we were talking about I said that it was one of the worst things to have go to go through and felt so sad for her. Her reaction was well look at me. I don't have my kids.at least she has others. It's really not that bad.

Has your sister ever had treatment or does she take medication? How old is she?

I've never heard of OCD causing someone to pass their rituals on to someone else.

I have. Common enough I'd have thought, especially re contamination OCD?

She does take meds on and off and she has had a few bouts of cbt sessions.

Meds on and off isn’t good enough. CBT requires commitment and homework.
Unfortunately I don’t think there’s much you can do. It is up to your mum to set boundaries (preferably get her to move out!)

My DD is on strong medication under a psychiatrist and psychologist through a specialist hospital unit. I am
not surprised it’s all so intense for your sister if she hasn’t had or currently doesn’t have that level of support. She also needs to be under the adult community mental health team and they could help with referral for accommodation. But what sort of advice are you after OP? Treatment? Housing? Support for your mum?

Op, when I read your first post I actually thought you were talking about my dsis and DM. They are in the same situation, living in the same house, my dsis has ocd and is totally controlling of my dm, her emotions swing between anxious worry for dm and anger. My dm also has health issues and I think it is worsened by living with dsis.

I'm sorry I have no words of wisdom, just to say that you are not alone. I found this thread by searching ocd as I am at a total loss of what to do. I am considering taking out a loan so dsis can access private therapy/cbt but she changes what she says depending on who she speaks to, saying either she needs help or that there is nothing wrong with her so not sure if she will even go as I can't tell what she really thinks.

I had no idea what an evil illness ocd is, it has changed my sister completely and she barely leaves the house now.

This is a really tough one.

As a sufferer with chronic ocd - extremely similar to the ocd behaviours you've described above - i sympathise hugely with your dsis. I too have behaved in frantic, and quite clearly incredibly unreasonable, ways to ensure that every ritual is completed to a 'perfect' level to suit my ocd.

I've shouted at family members for not washing hands, touching certain objects etc. so I completely get it. I hate myself for behaving like it but the fear of becoming contaminated is so unbelievably strong that it's almost impossible not to react.

However, I haven't called my family members names or treated them abusively. Mine comes from a total place of terror, not malice.

As I said, really tough one you have here :(

My dd has ocd. I can’t say she’s ever been in slightest way abusive towards us or anyone. She’s only a teenager, so maybe that’s why. The name calling etc is not part of ocd. It might be due to frustration with the situation but your poor dm should not have to put up with that treatment.
DD does involve us in her rituals but not in an aggressive way.
your DSis needs intensive CBT and regular medication ( not on and off ). The psychiatrist has already told dd she will be on long term meds as it’s proven that ocd symptoms return fast and furious once medication is stopped.
No one should have to put with that controlling behaviour, it is abuse, whatever the cause.

I've had OCD to varying degrees since I was eleven. At times I've been very functional, and at other times it's totally taken me over. I live alone, by choice, which makes it much easier. Living with other people when you have OCD can be stressful all round. Most OCD sufferers are horrified at the thought of causing others harm, and tend to be very conscientious. But the fear of things going dreadfully wrong if certain rituals are not performed can be all consuming. But I definitely wouldn't say OCD makes you abusive. The opposite if anything. I remember when I was a teenager, having to get up in the middle of the night to wash my hands multiple times, and wash possessions that I felt had become contaminated. I accidentally woke my mum up, and she was cross, and told me I was being selfish. I remember feeling desperately guilty, and wanting to stop, but it was so overpowering. I don't blame my mum, as she didn't understand what I was going through. I had no idea I had OCD, or what it was. Some years later my mum told me I'd caused more trouble than the other two (my siblings) put together. I'd never meant to, so her comment hurt like hell.
But of course, OCD sufferers are not carbon copies of each other. We have our own personalities, and there could be something else going on with your sister. I wish you all well.

I have OCD.

Your sister is a complete narc and just pure abusive. Your mum needs to kick her out.

All of this!

Read about OCD. The gold standard of treatment (ERP) is not to give into the rituals (compulsions) to train your brain that it's safe to live your life without doing them. The more your DM gives into your sis the more her brain is being taught that it's the obsessive cleaning etc that's keeping her safe, rather than the fact that she would be fine anyway.

It is a very, very difficult illness to treat but your sis is the only person who can take that step and seek treatment. Your mother is not helping her though by giving into it and she shouldn't be abused, MH is no excuse.

“She is very controlling, doesn't let DM have visitors over, will snap at her after her friends have left as to why she invited them over, she doesn't like DM going out too much, she makes demands to DM about chores like clean this, I want to eat, get me etc. Dsis does very little housework.

She calls DM the most horrid names, calls her thick, stupid and a walkover.“

I personally do not think this is related to OCD. This is controlling, narcissistic behaviour. If she’s that obsessed with cleanliness, why doesn’t she do the rituals herself?. I think she’s using her ocd as an excuse for abusive behaviour.
As another poster said, most people with ocd care too much. My dd is terrified she will cause harm or bring illness on herself or those close to her. She is an empath and that causes her distress but she is not abusive. I’m not sure OCD can explain this part of your Dsis behaviour tbh.
Your DM needs to stop giving into her and I’d go as far as saying she needs to tell your dsis to move out and find a place of her own.

Yes, I'd say more OCD sufferers than not involve family members in their OCD in one way or another (e.g. participating in rituals (e.g. handwashing), asking for reassurance, requiring family members to check things for them or to avoid certain situations). I have extremely severe OCD and it has a huge impact on my family.

Personally I think that mild/moderate OCD tends to 'bully' the sufferer and 'moderate-severe' OCD tends to bully the sufferer and those closest to it.

My dh has OCD it's an absolute nightmare to live with. I do think it can manifest itself as a type of disorder that can lead to needing more and more control and a willingness to sacrifice everything to fulfil the needs of the OCD. Even to sacrifice loved ones.
I personally refuse to give into demands as I actually think it makes it worse. I refuse to enable the OCD. However I will try to adapt certain things that upset my dh so we're always controlled by it to a certain degree.
My mum had it severely I'm nc now. I left home knowing nothing because it was her way or the highway. I wasn't even allowed to wash my own clothes because it was her machine and I might contaminate it, it is a tough thing to live with.

I have a family member with severe OCD. She's an adult now and has had OCD since she was a child.
She's married, has children and a great career. She internalises her symptoms and is neither controlling or abusive. The only time her family is involved with her OCD is when she is going through a worse bout and seeks lots of reassurance.
Controlling and abusive behaviour is not a symptom of OCD.

I P why is your sister not getting treatment? This will not improve until she does.