13YO DD "doesn't want to have autism"

[LaMigraine]

DD, 13, has been struggling with her mental health for over 2 years now, suffering badly from anxiety and intermittent depression. She's in therapy, which is certainly helping, but starting school again after the holidays has really set her back, and she has started to self-harm again (she had stopped for a few months before the summer).

Her therapist (who I really rate) thinks there is a possibility of autism, and I agree – I have always wondered whether there was something, but it's only really in the last 6-12 months that autism has started to be clear as a possible explanation for a lot of things that affect her and the way she responds to things.

I mentioned the idea tentatively to her but she is absolutely adamant that she 'doesn't want' to have autism, and doesn't want to go down the route of assessment or even consider the idea really. I can't and don't want to force her, but the trouble is, I think it would really help her to a) get the support she needs (particularly important at school, where she really struggles) and b) for her own understanding of herself, self-acceptance and making peace with who she is and why she feels as she does, instead of blaming herself for being 'weird', etc. She said 'I already feel bad about not being normal, I don't want to be autistic on top of everything' - I tried to say that maybe autism is an explanation for being different, rather than being an extra layer of different, IYSWIM, but she couldn't see it that way.

I worry so much about the self-harm and about her depression, and she's already having therapy. Surely a diagnosis would open up so many more ways of helping her - but how can I persuade her of this?

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow yes, true, of course it will take a long time to actually get an assessment. That worries me too. Can't afford to go private either, although possibly my parents might be able to help. We are seeing the GP soon too, to get the process started. Although I initially thought we would take DD with us - it's all about her, after all - but now wondering if we could/should go on our own??

@LaMigraine i would be careful with the idea that DD is mature for her age. I certainly appeared that way too and my parents trusted me to make my own decisions far too much.

I've never been diagnosed, but was very ill from 11 to mid teens, self harm, eating disorder, under age sex (resulting in sexual abuse). I left high school in my 1st year and didn't ever return.

My 11 YO DD is awaiting assessment, she looks much older too and is adult sized. DD is also a voracious reader and writer, despite being dyslexic. At the moment, she is coping OK. We have been talking about the possibility of autism for a couple of years and it really helps her to articulate her differences.

I’d go on you’re own first. And then get her used to it bit by bit.

Mine wouldn’t speak to doctors anyway.😖🤯

@PawsAndlicorice
Regarding a diagnosis preventing you from entering certain jobs, does anyone know if people with autism are able to enter the medical profession?

Well, how many medical consultants have you met that have the stereotypical traits of fantastic at their job with zero bedside manner?😃

Seriously though, apart from the army, and I believe that may be under review, no other jobs have a 'no autistics' ban as far as I'm aware.

If you're concerned, have a look on an application form. If you are not asked to disclose if you have autism/are autistic, then there's no ban.

The only time you would need to disclose any disability is when you were struggling to do a job and you would have to ask for reasonable adjustments.

The conversations I’ve had with my children are that we all have problems. The diagnosis of autism means we know what the problem is so we can work on finding solutions.

I shared that they are not alone regarding having problems. The key to a successful life is finding solutions to those problems so they don’t end up being what defines us, rather what propels us forward.

If DD feels that having a label "autistic" stuck to her will affect her mental being, then at the very least, now is not the time to do it when she is at her lowest point. Autistic people need others to recognise that their perceptions of things may be different, and my feeling is that she is speaking honestly when she says she can't cope with that. She feels "weird" and a piece of paper stating that she is autistic may well be processed by her as confirmation of that, no matter how well you explain a different viewpoint.

Plus, that piece of paper doesn't open many doors. You can still search out the resources and strategies which are relevant to her particular character traits, and apply these in the therapy and the world you create for her without actually using the word autistic.

I'm not sure labels really help unless in extreme cases. We all have to learn to live around each other with our various differences and oddities, in the same society, following the same rules, social and otherwise. Unless you want to constantly explain her behaviour, by way of proclaiming her label, which some people certainly do, 'on the spectrum' and 'has anxiety' can be an attention-seeking parent's dream by proxy, just let her adapt in her own way. And since it's such a spectrum, labelling seems even more counterproductive - assumptions will be made.

Being autistic is not a dirty word.

It is possible to develop a positive identity for oneself with this ‘label’ attached.

But I would listen to a teen girl who says she isn’t ready to think about whether she might be autistic.

As a late-diagnosed autistic I am very very glad to know now that this is my identity, my neurological make-up. It has made sense of many many difficulties. However if the possibility had been raised with me as a young teen, it would have had to be handled extremely carefully.

labelling seems even more counterproductive - assumptions will be made

However it’s very helpful for school and university to ensure the correct level of support in place. No assessment= no support.

ld love to know what to do when my dd is being sick with anxiety at the thought of going to school, or refusing to go.

@PawsAndlicorice Some of the traits of ASD lend themselves very well to being a medic, particularly surgical specialties. I would say a much larger proportion of some specialities are ASD compared to the general population.

@LaMigraine is it worth getting her on the list. Takes at least a year normally and options can be explored in that time?