How the hell do I navigate this? Residential home.

[vipersnest1]

If you're reading, thanks for taking the time. It might end up being a bit long but I don't want to drip feed.

DM is in her eighties and has respiratory and cardiac issues (uses oxygen full time), besides being riddled with arthritis. She's also getting forgetful, although her GP is saying this is normal for her age.
She originally wanted to go into 'housing with care' as it is called here - basically a small flat but with one meal a day supplied and people around to help.
She was hospitalised in August due to breathing issues and realised then that residential care was a more suitable choice.
We found a place that she likes (after lots of looking).
She's only just come out of another week in hospital and the home are pressing for her to make a decision, plus she knows the move is necessary now. (Since covid, the residential home is now more in demand, so we can't hang about.)
Whilst I haven't stood over her to make her decide now, I've encouraged her to make a decision as soon as possible. After a lot of discussion, we have agreed on a day next week that is manageable for us both (I work full time and the home wants her to move on a 'normal' week day as it is logistically more sensible. I have been off sick for a very long time myself, so can't ask for a day off, but the day we've agreed on is a day when I can leave earlier).
The thing is, now we are at this point, she's terribly upset. The crux is she feels like the marks the beginning of the end.
While I feel the opposite (that it might actually give her a far better quality of life, especially as my DDad died over five years ago and she's been lonely ever since), I feel terrible that she's so upset.

Does anyone identify with this?
I'm also worried that I might need to not visit for a period of time to allow her to settle (?) but will of course speak to her on the phone every day as usual.
Just to say I'm the only child left in the country, so am the only one who can give direct help, and also DM lost another one of her sisters quite recently too.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.

It sounds difficult and I am sure her feelings are completely natural. The only thing I would say is that I am not sure why you wouldn't visit her. If I was moving into a care home, the worst thing I can imagine is that my relatives would withdraw from visiting to allow me to 'settle in'. I think there is a tendency to view elderly people as if they are children or in some sense needing to be managed. If your mum is able to understand and make this decision, she is capable of making her own decisions about whether she wants to be visited or not.

Thank you @cansu.
I was only asking because I know that in some cases, dementia for example, that relatives are advised not to visit for a while.
As you can tell, I have no experience of this myself!

Please speak to the home about your mother’s concerns. They’ll be used to this scenario and will have strategies to help. She will almost certainly need you to visit her more at first.

Her feelings are very normal and valid. She’s leaving her own, independent home and moving in with a load of (very nice) strangers. This is the last place she’ll ever live (probably)
How you feel is also normal. There is a huge relief when a vulnerable family member moves to a place that will take on some of the caring responsibility.
Visit her, help her transition. She may need encouragement to integrate into her new community.

I would be very wary of any home that tries to prevent or discourage visiting.

@cansu, they haven't said anything. I just didn't know the form, so to speak.
I really appreciate the input from everyone. Thank you.

You are obviously just wanting what's best for your mum. I just wanted you to not take at face value everything the carers might say or do.

I visited my DM (forgetful, but no dementia) a couple of times a week while she settled in and we also went out for lunch etc. It's OK to be upset, whilst knowing it's the right thing to do. My DM missed her garden terribly, but I think her care home gave her four more relatively happy years than she would otherwise have had, and she got to meet and spend time with her great grandson.

It's just her new home - no need to visit or call her any less than you otherwise would have (unless you were her carer of course).

My gorgeous grandad found it very hard after living independently, and was very cantankerous and difficult. But that did stop (we kept visiting) and the staff persisted and within a couple of weeks he was very happy and, I think, free of stress. He was able to come and go, have his own things, eat where he wanted. When he died the lovely staff all asked for a moment with him. It was 100% the best choice for him and I'm so grateful he was cared for in a way we couldn't.

@cansu, yes, I am. I also know that things are not always what they seem.

@WiseUpJanetWeiss, that's my aim for my mum - that she is happier and more comfortable than she is now. She loved gardening but is no longer well enough to do it.
@OneFrenchEgg, those sound very much like the things I'm hoping for.

@vipersnest1 moving home is stressful at any age, from my observations it gets harder the older you get. I can think of many people who are stuck in completely unsuitable house because they left it too late to downsize.

Your Mum has made a brave decision, but it sounds like she is finding the idea of the move overwhelming. Listening to her and helping her work through her concerns is the biggest help you can give her.

Please keep visiting her whilst she settled in. There maybe be little jobs she needs you to do to help get her room “right”. If you don’t visit she may feel abandoned.

Taking her out for a coffee or lunch will help her realise she still has things to look forward to.

@Princessglittery, you've hit the mail on the head. Until recently, DM has said she doesn't feel at home in her new bungalow. (She only move there around 21 months ago.) Suddenly she is saying she likes it, never having said that before. I think it's the feeling of being familiar with what's going on.
I will definitely visit - in fact the home where she is going is only a few minutes from where I work, so I'll likely go quite often, although I'd like to have a weekend 'off' so I can go and visit DC1 in London.

@vipersnest1 You are lucky to work so close.

Once your Mum is settled, taking a weekend or even a fortnight off for a holiday will be fine. It will also give you something new to talk about.

Hopefully she'll settle and accept/enjoy it eventually. My mother had vascular dementia and had got to the point she wasn't safe at home any more. Dad went every day, I went a couple of times a week. At first she thought it was temporary before coming back home and wasn't too pleased when she finally realised she would be staying there, but then she forgot I guess. She particularly enjoyed the activities that were laid on for them. Also the difference in her from when she was at home was remarkable, from sleeping most of the day due to the effort of getting up dressed and downstairs and complaining about being freezing cold so the room was also unbearably hot to being alert all the time and in a room at a comfortable temperature. The being looked after like a child rather than having to do it herself made a huge difference to her.

Totally normal. But visit as often as you can. Get her a little housewarming gift, a recently taken picture of her grandkids maybe?

For Christmas each year we gave dad a personalised calendar with pictures of his grandchildren each month that he hung on his wall. There easy to create online.

Aaahhhh! They’re easy to create.

Thank you, everyone who has posted. I really appreciate it.
However, I have a new issue to deal with now. It turns out that DM's 'sore ankle' which she mentioned to me after she got home from hospital, is actually an ulcer on her ankle bone.
I'm spitting feathers about it as no-one mentioned it at any point. DM said they put a dressing on it at the hospital and that someone was supposed to come and see her, but didn't. I'm furious as this is something neither of us need to worry about.

Oh no that's the last thing she (and you) needs right now.