What do I say to this?

[season2]

My now 13 yr old DD was the subject to cruel bullying at primary school from the age of 6-11 for various personal reasons. A couple of teachers, and even parents were also complicit. She was excluded from so many events and parties etc. it was heartbreaking to watch.

DD had one close friend (let's call her Mabel) who lives in our street, they would walk to and from school together enjoying lingering chats in the park and DD adored Mabel, I thought she was a lovely kid. They had sleepovers, went trick or treating and I took them out for dinners and movies etc

As the bullying continued DD's behaviour started to change for the worse, she became very defensive and reactive to the other children often getting into disagreements. Mabel often felt in the middle according to her mother (let's call her Mel) as she was upset at the bullying DD received but Mabel also wanted to remain friends with everyone including the bullies.

Things went quickly sour when Mel excluded my DD from Mabels birthday party as she "didn't want drama" for Mabel. DD was devastated when she found out - she saw the party in action. I was devastated she could do this to DD and invite the other bullies. DD and Mabel still remained close despite this.

I was previously friends with Mel. However it became extremely awkward, we still saw each other occasionally through friends. Mel is very social but she stopped inviting me to events she organised with our mutual friends around the same time.

I tried to work with the school but things didn't improve so I changed school for DD so she could have a fresh start. DD and Mabel remained close only drifting a few months ago.

She is now 18 months at her new school but sadly still struggling to make close friends. The bullying from her younger years has scarred her and she is extremely prickly and can be difficult. I've tried to get her to attend counselling but she refuses.

DD seemed lonely last weekend I suggested DD reach out to Mabel.

I have now received the following text from Mel:

"Can I ask a favour from you? If your DD wants to hang out with Mabel in the future, can you please check in with me first and I’ll let you know whether Mabel is free/wants to hang out, rather than texting Mabel directly or coming down to our place to see if she’s free?
I’d really appreciate it as she’s got a few things going on at the moment, which she’s seeing a psychologist about.
Thanks in advance Mel."

I haven't replied nor have I said anything to DD yet. i'm upset and don't want to bring more hurt to DD. What should I do?

Ignore her. They're in year 8 they don't need their mums organising play dates.

Considering that text is exactly what many on here would advise is sent when a poster in Mel's position asks for advice, I think you should take it like an adult and reply apologising and agreeing to do that in future.

Mable is clearly the one driving this and is too polite and her mum is being mean cop

It happens a lot

'Oh my mum said I can't have a sleep over' - really means I don't want you for a sleepover 99% of the time for example

A lot to unpack there but ultimately you have to respect what she says.

As protective as you are of your daughter it sounds like Mel is protective of her dd too. For whatever reasons it sounds like contact with your dd might stir things up for her dd.

You should focus or your dd who(understandably) sounds damaged by the bullying she received. Does the school have a councellor perhaps you could approach the school maybe they will be able to get your dd to engage? Maybe look for extra curricular hobbies where your dd can focus on meeting new people in relaxed environments whilst building up her confidence.

I would stop suggesting Mabel as someone for dd to reach out to, this friendship has definitely run it course. Ignore Mels message, she's clearly never going to say yes to them meeting up. Tell dd that Mel's mum messaged you to say that Mabel is having a difficult time at the moment so it's not a good time for meeting up. Dd is still fairly young so why don't you do something with her at the weekend so she is not so reliant on friends and that could help her feel more positive and in a better frame of mind (if she is willing).

@Choopi yes agreed I am focusing on DD. The new school is excellent and does have a counsellor, so far DD has refused to go but we will keep trying. They are aware of her previous situation.

Thank you @Choconut appreciate your suggestions. I was thinking along the same lines.

@iwantasandwich what am I apologising for?

The direct text to Mabel

I think a simple reply to say
"thanks for your text. Sorry to hear that Mabel is having difficulties. I hope she's soon back to her bubbly best.

Of course I'll message you first in future, it would be lovely if Mabel and DD could catch up some time when both are feeling stronger.
Being the mum of a young teen can be so worrying, sending positive vibes"

This is good, minus the positive vibes and probably excluding the 'when they're feeling stronger' bit too as you have no idea what's going on with Mabel and don't want it to look like you're comparing the two

@iwantasandwich firstly I don't know how DD reached out to Mabel. Secondly when did it become wrong to text or reach out a friend directly?

She clearly isn't a friend anymore

Hence why it's a bit off

So sorry to hear what happened to your DD at primary. Whatever this means or doesn’t, I’d focus on the new school and new friends - any clubs outside school as well maybe? There’s a dynamic and history there which isn’t entirely healthy tbh and your DD doesn’t need to feel she has to carry any baggage when she meets new friends 👍

@iwantasandwich I don't think my DD knew they were not friends anymore. I certainly didn't otherwise I wouldn't have suggested it in the first place.
As mentioned in my first post they remained friends despite everything else and appeared to enjoy each other's company until they drifted apart this year.

It reads to me like your daughter's friend has reached the end of being some sort of support crutch for your daughter now. They both need to find different friends IMHO

It sounds to me like Mabel is struggling a bit/a lot. I don't read it as anything to do with your daughter particularly but a teen having a shit time.

That was exactly my thought too. And that Mabel is perhaps too kind/nice to tell your DD that she's moved on, and doesn't want to hang out. It's not Mabel's responsibility to hang out with your DD just because she's not got anyone else.
You are looking at this situation (understandably) as what is best for your DD. Mel is (also understandably) looking at what is best for Mabel.

Appreciate all of your varied opinions. Lots to think about.

My DH and I are going to try and do something fun with DD this weekend.

She'll also have sport starting up again soon which she enjoys. I'll try and encourage some friendships there.