How am I going to do this - son off to Uni

[ManagementPlan]

Our world fell apart a little over a year ago when DH died.

DS2 was, at the time, on a great programme and had his future all mapped out. That imploded as he had several months barely able to function and although doing much better now couldn't face going back.

He got a very last minute place at an excellent university to pursue something he's genuinely very interested in.

I am thrilled for him and really hoping this is the fresh start he needs. However, it's really tough on me both emotionally and practically. I have to move him on my own, when "before" his dad would have been very much involved and then I have to leave my still vulnerable son in his exciting, but also scary new life and drive 3 hours home on my own. "Before" DH and I dreamed of having the house to ourselves more once DC went away, now it's just me.

How am I going to get through it? Any practical tips greatly appreciated, plus the other stuff. I've got to hold it together for DS, but...

I'm so sorry to hear everything you've been through.
I recently dropped my son off and found it a more emotional experience than I thought it would be.
My practical tip would be related to the drop off day. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your son so let him know in advance that you may get emotional and that it's because you are " happy sad" at him starting this new adventure. Take his lead but dont be suprised if he wants you to "drop and run". If you can park up somewhere where you can spend a few minutes to be emotional if you need to especially if you need to drive back. It's also a good idea to discuss in advance about how much WhatsApp/ phone call contact he would like. I have a friend who has a weekly Skype " family dinner time" still on a weeknight when they chat over dinner together. My ds wasnt keen on this but yours may be.
Have you got any plans in the diary for the next few months? Anything your looking forward to? Best of luck for this new chapter.

You've got two months until Christmas, and then he'll be back for nearly a month. Two months more and he's back for nearly a month for Easter. Not even two months after that and he'll be back for more than 3 months for summer.

When you look at it like that, its not as scary. And he's only 3 hours away, he probably wouldn't mind if you popped up one weekend in the middle of term, stayed the night in a hotel. (Especially if you take him out for a decent meal, or to Tescos for a big shop)

It is a big change, and it will be scary and different, but you got through the death of your husband, you can get through this too.

Oh OP, my heart goes out to you. It's so hard to let go of the 'what should have happened' visions and reconcile yourself with the reality.

Stickortwist has excellent suggestions for drop off day, so I won't really add anything to that, other than to follow his lead. My son is useless at communication and I struggled with the briefest of answers to my questions (which I'm sure were overwhelming for him at times) and felt very shut out. I then had a change of plan and I'd send him pictures of the pets, or his sisters, or something I'd noticed, just with a cheery 'Pic of the day' and it always got a response.

As for life when he's away, I can only imagine how daunting it feels right now. My advice would be to start with the small things that will help prop you up and make you feel a little better. What meals do you really enjoy? Plan those for each evening. Invite friends for dinner or drinks. If you like reading, stock up on some great books so you have those to delve into without interruption.

Can you make some changes at home to make it feel more of a sanctuary for you - rearrange a room, change the lighting, buy new pictures or even bigger things like a new sofa or redecorate so that your time at home feels more cosy and luxurious. Or even just new bedding to make going to bed feel better?

It must feel incredibly daunting, but you're supporting your boy so beautifully, please be proud of that.

So sorry, it must have been a very tough time for you both and a year is not long in the grieving process. I agree with previous poster to simply acknowledge to your son that it's a 'happy-sad' moment and how proud you are he is moving on with his life, which is surely what his Dad would have wanted.

He may well feel quite responsible for you and worry how you will manage once he's gone. So it's important that you reassure him that although you will miss him and yes there might be times you feel a bit lonely & sad, but that you will be OK. It's fine to show him some of your feelings and not bottle them all up in the moment, but if you do need a proper 'fall apart' moment that's for later when by yourself or with other family or close friends to support you.

On a practical level, make lists together of stuff to pack/take/leave behind etc, and have a plan for the few days before and on drop off day. It will help you both focus and give structure.

What worked for me after a tragic sudden death was to keep busy, make an effort to eat well & exercise and yet allow myself those moments to wallow and cry. I also saw a counsellor for a few sessions which helped to talk to someone totally neutral about some very complicated feelings.

Yes thank you. I am generally a coper and have got through ny keeping busy.

His decision to go was son last minute we've been busy sorting accomodation and what he needs, but the actual programme for the weekend (this weekend) has just kind of dawned on me.

I'll miss him of course, but more than that is the stress of leaving him there knowing he's still not always coping well.