DS 18 on year out. Paying his way

[IncessantNameChanger]

Ds has just finished his A levels. The plan was to get a shop job for a year and decompress as school was very difficult for his MH.

Not sure if he will go to uni but so far he's not overly keen..he's not sure what he wants to do with his life.

Anyway, at the beginning of summer I said if he eventually goes to uni we would support him as best we could financially. But when he gets a job ( said it was OK to wait until September / October) he will have to pay a token amount of keep. I said maybe 75-100 a month 1) because there no guarantee he will be off to uni and this could be the start of him working and living at home. I dont want to get into a situation where is in his 20's and living at home not contributing but working because where does that end? 25? 35?

He agreed and we said we would reassessment every 6 months so if uni doesn't happen we can move towards him actually covering his food and a small contribution to bills. Not least because he wouldn't be learning how to budget to support himself. All good. Everyone happy.

Now the little kids are back at school, no signs of looking for a job. OK I will get worried mid October.

But last night I was meal planning and making a shopping list and looking in the fridge. He cones down looking for food and I mentioned him helping me pay for food when he gets a job as my tax credits have gone down a lot now he is 18.

He told me he won't be contributing as no other 18 year old pays rent and none of his friends are asked too.

His friends live in million plus houses ( we are in a extremely expensive part of the country his mates parents are all loaded). We live in a rented 3 bed semi with four kids.

I'm left feeling that I raised a really entitled potential man that's going to be at home everything done for him at 35.

I still give him £15 a week allowance which was set up years ago. Come October I will cancel that. I feel that he's totally delusional now about the realities of life and he thinks that everyone lives like his friends in a five bed house with a pottery shed and tennis courts. I think with access to tech and rich friends ( who all went to state school like him) he's got the impression that everyone can live a luxury lifestyle and that's the norm, however his brother is much more realistic and grounded.

I'd probably not say too much right now. Something along the lines of 'well, let's have a proper chat when you get a job and we will have a sit down and come to a fair compromise for us all.'

No point raising the stakes just yet. I'd stop his allowance as soon as he's earning of course

If he absolutely refuses to pay a penny (and really, at 18, you're right to just expect a token amount, £100 a month seems fair to me) , you'll have to think about what you'll realistically do. You'll have posters screaming 'just boot him out' but obviously most right thinking parents don't do this - so making the threat is pointless unless you really will put him out in his arse

So have a plan for if he refuses to pay. For me, it would be along the lines of stopping allowance, not buying him food - bar the basics.. what I mean is not buying him treat food etc .. and not making life easy in regards to lifts etc. and expressing your disappointment in his attitude

It's still a very young and selfish age. Just think beforehand what you're comfortable with doing

Why did you give him the October deadline in the first place? He needs to go and look for a job now, make it clear to him.

It's not a gap year is it, he's finished school and can't be arsed to work. What is doing if his only income is £60? Are you paying for everything else he needs phone / clothes etc?

It is a gap year. That's the plan anyway. A year of working in sainsburys then either looking for uni or a proper longer term job ( which of course Sainsbury's could be but he's A,A,B distinction grades so I'm silently hoping stacking shelves until 75 isn't his plan A as he needs to explore various avenues).

With covid and 4 years of school refusal then covid and online learning for A levels, I don't have any issues with taking a year out the grind of life. He's got until he's 75 to work harder.

October was the deadline as that's when his mates go to uni ( except they have deffered now).

@StrawberrySweeties I just bought him a cheap galaxy as a congratulations for his A levels and told him once the two years is up he's either at uni and I get another two years or he takes on the cost. No clothes. Just bought him a pair of trainers and a hoodie, he did have a cafe job until Christmas and bought his own. I'm stopping his food luxuries as of today after last night. Your right.

It's not so much that I need his contribution, it's more that he's heading for a delusional unsustainable life plan. No I won't kick him out at 18. Maybe I'd be reassign that at 25. He will be living off Dahl soon. I told him months ago that there's the possibility of putting his contributions aside to hand back for uni or towards a deposit.

But we're not rolling in cash and what would he do if we was broke? Buy his food while he spends all his cash on clothes?

I'm not charging DD who is on a gap year but I probably would if I was losing Universal Credit as you are. For both DC, I stopped their allowances as soon as they finished their A levels. Regardless of whether they are paying rent, I bet his rich friends aren't being given money to put their feet up either.

No his uber rich mate was made to get a job at sainsbury's as soon as he declared he was differing his uni start.

I feel I have been to soft with him. I'm thinking now to stop his financial support atvthe end of the month and wait for him to tell me he's got no cash. Then tell him as a adult I didn't get pocket money. I have lost about £60 pw in tax credits which might give an idea of our financial situation.

I'd stop his allowance straight away. I'd reinstate it if he shows he's actually looking for a job. When my two boys (now 20 and 21) decided not to go to uni after A levels, I made it clear that this was fine, but they'd made their choice and they were expected to go and find a job straight away.

Don't buy his clothes, pay his phone, lend him money. If he has no access to money, he'll have to find a job. If he can't find a job, he can sign on. He'll soon get fed up of having no money, and this is a real incentive to get a job. I'd put my foot down about his idea of not contributing once he's got a job. I'm afraid I'd play hardball, and stop buying his food, turn off his wifi etc so he can see the consequences of his decisions. Rent doesn't have to be much, and as you say, you can always put it to one side, but it doesn't do him any favours to think everything comes for free.

It's not easy, but sometimes they just need a nudge to grow up and own the decisions they have made.

He told me he won't be contributing as no other 18 year old pays rent and none of his friends are asked too

tell him that is not his decision to make.
land what his friends do is irrelevant.
he sounds very selfish, and that’s a horrid trait in anyone.

why does he feel he needs a free ride through life?
what does he do around the house?

stop his allowance immediately.

I would stop the allowance straight away.

I would stop his allowance. Tell him the plan was he had a job for his gap year and he's to fund himself.

If he finished school back in May he's had three months to "rest". Universities start back next week, it's time for him to get a job now not wait until the October half term!

Tell him you'll put a roof over his head and feed him but while he's sitting on his backside doing nothing he's getting no money and he can keep himself busy by helping out at home. If he wants money he needs to get a job. If he can't find a job straight away he needs to sign on.

Apart from the £15, how does he pay for things? When he goes out with his mates, if he wants to go out, bus fares etc.

tbh i wouldn’t be mentioning rent/board.

I think he’ll work out pretty quickly that unless he plans to sit at home all day every day with no money to go anywhere or do anything he’ll work it out. I know my 17 year old couldn’t exist on £15 a week, that wouldn’t even cover bus fare and lunch money.

be perfectly pleasant, but next time he wants a night out with his mates let him work out he can’t go because he has no money. Or he needs a new pair of trainers, or anything over and aboard basic shelter and food.

when he’s got a job you can approach rent/board if you need to.

He cooks for himself but also eats meals we cook. He changed his bed yesterday but hasn't put it in the wash. In fact he is being lazy with washing up too. He can do all those things but prefers not too.

Bless him but I'm wondering right now if I have raised an entitled lodger.

He asked yesterday who dropped food on the floor ( his little sister) but it came across like someone was upsetting his kitchen which put me in a bad mood too especially as he seeked dh out to complain about the mess but didn't clear it up.

Urgh my brother was like this, I started paying rent at 15 when I got my first job, at one point when I was around 18 my "rent" was £600pm due to poor financial circumstances of the family. My mother was very lenient with my brother as he is "the baby", he's almost 26 now, lives at home and pays nothing as far as I'm aware and he's the most entitled bratty person now.

Your son paying rent to you will do him the world of good in the long run.

My dd has just completed her gap year, she was a barista doing on average 30 hours a week.

Before her gap year she asked if she wanted me to pay keep because her friends in the same position were and I said no. She has saved and bought everything she's taking to uni (like new MacBook and IPad ) and she covered car insurance, petrol, going out and clothes. I stopped her allowance after A-levels. Housework wise, her bathroom and bedroom are clean and she did all of her laundry (I bought laundry detergent )

@Reallyreallyborednow he doesn't go out. Ever. Not even to celebrate his A level results. Him and his A* mates are really geeky and none of them go out. I think he would have if it wasn't for covid during his 16- 17 years. They just never did that. Revising for gcses then lockdown. It's quite sad hence I did feel a bit sorry for him but he's not helping himself atm

@PeekAtYou he was all up for pulling his weight last month. Not sure why it's changed really.

I supported myself through uni and went back to full time when he was 6 months old thinking I was setting a good work ethic for him. Clearly not.

I think the not urgueing with him but letting the reality set in might be the best way forward.

I might say that none of my friends pay their non student adult children pocket money and walk off. I won't be ferrying him to work either. Tell him how much petrol costs. Tell him I don't know any of my friends who take their adult children to work 🙄

Re your post: ….“and 4 years of school refusaI”…

Could he perhaps have gotten used to just refusing to do stuff he doesn’t fancy?

So because it was ok to refuse school before (as presumably he had mental health issues), he hasn’t cottoned on that having laziness issues isn’t the same and doesn’t come with the same option of not to bother.

Your plan to deny him luxuries is a good one. Providing it can be kept up. The difficulty will be in having treats for the rest of you that he doesn’t steal! You’d need to lock em up. And be ruthless.

Don’t do anything for him apart from cooking an evening family meal for you all to eat together.

Lunch he can do himself.
Sweets and craps or cakes, nope. Nights out lifts (unless safety on journey home is an issue) nope.
Washing his sheets and clothing, and subsequently ironing his clothes, nope.
Money for in-app purchases, nope.

Id tell him in advance that everything is stopping on x date so he knows (pocket money, treats, whatever)and explain that as the benefits you’ve lost due to his decision to leave full time education mean financial difficulty for your family, if he wants these things as he is now legally an adult he has to contribute to the family budget. Sorry if his pals get it easier but your circs are the way they are end of.

However once he gets a job, I worry how it will be if he gets fed up with it and just walks out, preferring to play Xbox or whatever all day in his room for the next decade instead…!

He told me he won't be contributing as no other 18 year old pays rent and none of his friends are asked too.

You say, sorry son, it doesn't work like that. Stop giving him spending money, he's an adult who needs to pay rent. Or he can't live with you and will have to rent a flat. It's tough.

If you baby him now, he will be like this for the rest of his life. He needs to learn and unfortunately it sounds like he hasn't learned early enough!