Employee making me anxious

[nurple]

I have a lovely employee who is kind and sweet but she questions everything I do and I feel so anxious.

If I ever leave the room to take a phone call she will ask who it is when I get back. The answer is never interesting and never concerns her.

Sometimes I leave early and she will ask me where I'm going. I feel a bit weird sharing this. Sometimes its to a counselling appointment, sometimes i'm going to the bar and don't want her to know as I feel bad that she's working an extra two hours while I'm having fun. If I say I need to go to a meeting, she will ask what meeting. So vague answers don't work.

I will sit at my desk and all day she will just talk to me (work related) without asking if I have a minute. This really interrupts work flow for me as I find concentrating hard. I now feel incredible anxious every time she shifts in her chair that she's going to start a full on conversation. I've asked her to message me on slack instead and that I will get back to her when I have a spare minute and I explained that I have trouble working, but this only lasts two days and she seems to forget after that.

She looks over at my laptop a lot and asks me what I'm doing. I just really don't want to have that conversation.

We have meetings when necessary, have lovely polite chit chat at the start and end of the day. I am sitting here with my chest tight, thinking of leaving early for the day because i'm so anxious but know she will ask me where I'm going.

Does she report to you? If so, get a grip, go to a private room and spell out to her why her behaviour is not professional and what you want to see from her. Stop pussy footing around. If as her boss you don’t get this sorted who will? You are enabling her and giving her permission by not addressing it from the get go.

@BuildersTeaMaker I run a small business and she's one of my only staff.

I would rather deal with this in a less confrontational way, I think its kinder. I'm looking for a way to have a kind conversation about this with her but still get across the message.

It doesn’t need to be “confrontational”. 🤦‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️
you are her boss, you just need to tell her. You need to set clear boundaries. Tbh sound like you need to equip yourself with some management skills. You can be friendly and kind and respectful to your staff but still set firm rules about what they can and can’t do, what is expected of them, what is professional conduct.

and for what it’s worth many people prefer firm clear boundaries . Has it occurred to you that she may feel uncomfortable that she wouldn’t be “friendly “ or helpful if she just sat n silence and got on with her job and never talked to you? Maybe she’s filling in the silence because she doesn’t know it’s ok to just keep quiet.

Just be vague then and she should get the message e.g. Who was that? No-one you know/No-one interesting/It was a private call. Where are you going? I have a thing/Nowhere you need to know/I'd rather not say.

Or in fact just say 'it's private' to either of those questions

Where are you going? :
I can't discuss that with you.
It's business related and I can't discuss it any further.
It's not related to your responsibilities.
It's confidential for the moment.
I have some personal tasks to complete.

Interruptions:
Sorry I need to focus right now.
Please do not disturb me at the moment, I'm trying to finish something off.

I think you need to work on your communication with her.

Can you also maybe re-position her in your office space, so that you are not so physically close to one another.

I would just say a private appointment if it's personal but remain polite etc. Anything else that she doesn't need to know just say that.

I have a co worker who is very much the same - there is no malice in it she is just a happy, chatty and curious person. I had a conversation with her and like your lady it went in one ear... hung around for a day or two then promptly slipped out the other ear. She loves an idle chat and i need to get into the flow state to get some serious work done.

She is not in my team, she just sits next to me and her senior is not based on site to i had to think of something practical rather than via an escalation.

So i bought a huge set of over ear noise cancelling earphones that have a red light on them when in use. I chit chat in the morning on arrival and then i put the big beasts on until i've finished my task . She thinks i'm listening to noise canceling music and that i can't hear a single thing (as this is what i've told her) but actually i don't have anything playing it's just a signal to her I am in work mode.

When she asked why i suddenly started using earphones i just said I was the. very important in helping get in to a flow state to do my job. She did go through a phase of tapping me to chit chat but i just put my hand up and said 'later, in the middle of something' it still took me out of the moment at the time but it did stop her interrupting me in the long run.

Now she just sighs when I put them on and pounces for a chat when they are off - which is fine by me because that is at a time i am ready or able to have a chat.

I should mention that they also have a mic and are plugged into my works mobile so i still can 'hear' the phone and take calls if i need to all without removing the miraculous headset of joyful silence.

You're the boss why aren't you just telling her it's not her business and to pack it in?! In professional terms of course

I think its kinder

Except it's not - to either of you are you a typical people pleaser generally?

Eventually you will snap and that will be far from kind, it's actually kinder to teach her appropriate work etiquette (how old is she?) and not risk frustration escalating, if she isn't your only member of staff I imagine she's doing this to other employees too which isn't "kind" to them either

Setting and enforcing clear boundaries is part of your job as an employer/boss.

"It's not appropriate for you to continually ask me about how I spend my time not directly interacting with you, anything you need to know about I will tell you.

When I am working please leave me in peace to do so unless there is a genuinely urgent matter you need my help with (give some examples).

This is a place of work and needs to be treated as such please"

Repeat as often as necessary

If she keeps ignoring/"forgetting"quite honestly you need to consider letting her go as this is not how to behave, people seem afraid of sacking people these days. Only way some learn!

As everyone else has said you need to communicate to her firmly but professionally as her superior

But I am troubled by you going to the bar while she is still working (implied that she works extra hours over and above while you swan off to the bar?)

You don’t seem cut out to manage anyone if this is causing issues.

If she interrupts when you’re busy just speak over her and say I’m busy, I’ll let you know when I can talk. Please do not interrupt me etc.

You don’t need to tell her in depth detail of your home life and evening if you don’t want to but this is perfectly normal social interaction “you off anywhere nice on your early finish?” “Jidt
got a few errands to run” … it’s pretty straight forward conversation fodder OP, you don’t need to give her the details of your counselling 🙄it doesn’t matter if you “feel bad” she’s working, she’s being paid to work. Lying about it going to meetings is pathetic.

Shes looking at your laptop and asking questions about work, sounds like she’s trying to glean more info and knowledge about the company she works for.

Perhaps just ask her to work from home if you can’t handle managing an employee.

You’re troubled by someone taking time off they’re entitled to, to socialise? Fuck me the world has gone mad.

OP you need to grow a stronger backbone if you want to manage people!

Where are you going? If I wanted you to know I'd tell you
What are you doing? Nothing for you to worry about
What's the meeting about? Don't worry, I'll let you know if it involves you

You seem to feel like you need to justify and explain yourself to this employee in a way that's really strange when you're the boss. Are you scared of losing her and her quitting if you handle this? Or are you scared just of the perceived 'confrontation'?

Could your reaction actually be adrenaline to help you deal with this rather than anxiety? Your body is giving you extra energy to get the job done.

I think you need to have a conversation with her. It sounds like she is obtuse enough to normal behaviour I don't think she would pick up on hints. No reason why it can't be done nicely but you need to just say to her to stop asking all these questions, a lot of it is confidential, and if you are in the middle of something its courtesy to ask if you have a minute before launching into something. Its basic office social skills she needs to learn.

Agree with many of the PP. Not resolving this is unkind - both to yourself and her.

Some good stock responses upthread but I would take her to one side first and discuss, then when you say “it’s private” you are reinforcing earlier feedback.

There are various strategies for this - headphones as suggested, as well as a flag system I’ve seen in open plan offices when people don’t want to be disturbed. You could also have a fixed time 10 min daily stand up with her each morning to answer any questions she has pertaining to work she needs to complete that day etc.

“I want to talk to you about working style preferences in the office and being aware of other people. It’s distracting for me to be frequently interrupted with questions and less time efficient. Some of my work is also confidential and I may need to keep different business hours. I’m pleased with your work and inquisitiveness to learn. From tomorrow we will introduce [insert what you want to happen]. This way I can support you with any relevant questions in a time efficient and appropriate way. We’ll review in a week to see how it’s going.“.

Something like that?

I would then follow-up. “X is working better” so it’s positively recognised she’s changed her behaviour. If she persists ask an open question of how she thinks it’s going. Then respond that you are still being frequently interrupted and ask what would help her to avoid doing that as it’s something that needs to be resolved. Wait to hear what she might say.

You need to be assertive, its your business. When you're doing something important "I'm really sorry but I'm going to put my headphones on/not talk as this is important for the next x hours/minutes"
When she ask who calls oh just something personal/business related.
When she asks where you're going, done for the day and heading out.

If she keeps pressing you after vague answers you need to say don't worry nothing that concerns you or have a serious Convo about how intrusive you find it.