friends I've been avoiding will be at the party wwyd?

[spartynox]

my DP and I have been friends with a couple for three/four years lets call them Tim and Kay. We used to meet up for couples meals at each others places, and meals out. Over the pandemic we did a lot of online games together and long walks. We had other friends who would join occasionally but the four of us had an ongoing group chat.

After one event two years ago where I thought Tim really crossed the line in putting me down in front of others, I made the decision that if anything happened like that again it would be a deal breaker. Tim is a big personality and an interesting guy. But he is incredibly self absorbed and very right wing with some unethical opinions. Kay is very quiet but very sweet and barely talks unless encouraged. They weren't great friends as we found out soon enough that they were just friends for fun chats and weren't very supportive though difficult situations. Fine

About a year ago. Tim put me down again in front of others. That was it for me. I had no interest in entertaining the friendship any more. My DP still meets up with Tim and the other guys we know for beers every now and then, which I'm fine with. Every time they invited us out we just claimed to be busy with projects. I don't know how much they have caught on that all is not well as DP still meets up with Tim and Tim just keeps saying how we should all get together again as a four.

I'm going to another friend's party this weekend. DP is away with work but I will be going. I don't know many others there other than Tim and Kay but really like the birthday girl so don't want to let her down. (She vaguely knows the situation).

I just don't know how to act around Tim and Kay anymore. It is likely they will know that we have been meeting up with other friends as I'm sure some friends have posted on social media. I really don't want to explain to them the real reason. I feel awkward and weird about the whole thing. What do I do?

Well if you don’t communicate to Tim and tell him how can he put it right. 🤷‍♀️

perhaps the party is not the place to do this so just mingle with the others….a lot…to keep yourself busy till home time.

You might even make some new friends by widening your circle.

I doubt he’ll think it’s anything to do with him , and his poor wife will be ‘getting the blame ‘for being the partner being avoided , particularly as your husband still sees Tim . Agree with pp that it needs to be sorted but party isn’t the place for it

Your dh still sees Tim so poor Kay will have assumed that it's her you don't like.
Maybe redress the balance at the party by spending time with Kay and suggesting the two of you meet up for coffee.
Have you ever told Tim that you don't like his put downs and that's why you don't want to meet?

I don't really want to give him the opportunity to put it right@Paperdolly I just don't have an interest in pursuing this friendship any more

@Mydogmylife it's probably not the case as myself, DP, and Tim were all friends first

@Rainbowcat99 I did tell him after the first and it was awkward and he shrugged it off. I just don't have an interest in this friendship anymore so I don't see the point in inviting kay for coffee or telling Tim. He really humiliated me in front of a group of people for the second time, and I believe he did this intentionally. I don't want to give him any more of my time.

Grey rock him. Be bland and melt away when you encounter him.

So what did he do?

I've been in this sort of situation. Honestly, just go. Avoid Tim, chat to Kay. If the subject is brought up just say you've been really busy. The likelihood is, Tim has no idea how you feel and the only one who feels awkward is you. Don't let that spoil a good party! If Tim puts you down in front of others just point out how rude he is being and walk away.

Just go. Give a wave and when he approaches or sits near you just move away. Help clear up if you need to. I always find a great way of not talking to people is - when they approach and I am with someone else I say "oh stand next to each other over here and let me take a pic". They do so, I take a pic and as I'm looking at the pic I walk off and say "I will whatsapp it to you" or sometimes I don't say anything. It's genius and works every time.

Polite but keep your distance. No need for any angst.

You don’t really need to worry - you just need to be fairly breezy and surfacely pleasant and chatty in a small talk way, then go off and introduce yourself to other people.

@Mabelstearooms its too revealing to say. But think along the lines of quoting a previous conversation, taking my quote out of context, and bringing shame to me to make a point and prove how 'wrong I was'. Thats the best description I can give with out giving it away.

Simple. Chat to Kay as much as you want to. Be polite but distant with Tim, keeping any discussion very short

Chat to Kay and be friendly with her. God knows she needs every friend she can get. If she asks why she hasn't seen you lately just say that her husband put you down in public once too often and quite frankly you weren't prepared to put up with it.

It's very likely he does the same to her.

Just be polite, but dont overly engage don't go to someone else's party and cause tension. That's simply rude.

Agree with the others.

And I'd add that often the social events I really dread are the ones I most enjoy