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Original poster

Massive red flag? Making me doubt myself

24 replies

PurplePrecipitation · 12/09/2022 20:55

So I've been seeing NG (new guy) for a few months.
To give a bit of background - I live in the NE on a average salary of 35k. I live alone, to hive a bit of context my mortgage is £502pm. So while I'm not rolling in it, I'm not at all struggling.
The company I'm with are notoriously poor payers BUT have very good benefits (eg Inc bank holidays I've had 43 days paid holiday this year). Its also a brilliant team and when I had personal issues earlier on this year they authorised unlimited paid time off. Great supportive atmosphere.
So... NG picked up on the fact that I'm paid below sector average. Which is true. I could move tomorrow for 40k+ or possibly up to 45k. After a few 'jokey' conversations I put my foot down and said I'm not moving from current company so end of conversion.
He's now started on a different tack of 'promotion opportunities'. This would involve management of moving to a sales role, neither of which I want.

I'm really bloody happy in my job, but it's becoming an almost daily conversation about, well, what feels like 'how you can earn more'

I don't struggle for money. I can afford odd treats. But he's really making me doubt myself for staying in my easy, enjoyable job.

Plus so overinvested in my job and what I earn. I have no idea what he earns as never asked.....

OP posts:
Original poster
PurplePrecipitation · 12/09/2022 20:57

So many typos! And live NW not NE!

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 12/09/2022 21:03

Have you asked him outright why he is so interested in your role? I find it odd too. Unless he is your husband, I don't really think he has a right to quiz you in depth on it. I mean I wouldn't mind him mentioning it in passing (in a "you could earn more, so done let your current company take advantage" kind of way), but what you describe is weird, I agree.

C1N1C · 12/09/2022 21:04

I think he's just looking out for you... no malice here, just a guy seeing a friend and believing she can achieve greater things.

The problem comes when you're comfortable and there is pressure from that person... and usually this comes from parents wanting the best for their kids! Just make it clear that you're happy with where you are and take comfort in the knowledge that should you want to, you could earn more, albeit down a path that may not be as comfortable or enjoyable as the one you're on now.

This is where you see the stereotypical two types of people... the ones on easy jobs paying less or the ones on harder, stressful jobs paying more... no shame in either :). Take pride in what you do!

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Jobs
Dacadactyl · 12/09/2022 21:04

And what is his job and living situation? How long exactly have you been seeing him? And why does he know what you earn, but you don't know what he does? Is he stingy with money or does he treat you?

PersonaNonGarter · 12/09/2022 21:06

This is mansplaining your life. Very annoying.

Does this impact your relationship?

Penguinsaregreat · 12/09/2022 21:08

Ask him how much he earns.
When he mentions your salary again say “Enough! I don’t want to go over that again.”

Original poster
PurplePrecipitation · 12/09/2022 21:10

He's much more money focused than I am. I have a 2 bed flat in an old building which I love, but there's also been a few 'jokey' comments about flats being for young people (I'm 40).
We met through work and he is in a similar job role to me, so don't think he's too far off salary wise. He knows how much I warn as he asked me outright and I was so wrong footed I just said it :/

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2022 21:12

I would be running for the hills because the fucker Is. Not. Listening.

You've been very clear. You are not wanting to leave your job, yet he keeps banging on about something you've already closed the conversation on. Who in the fuck does he think he is? Does he really believe you have to justify your choices to him? Disrespectful and insufferable. Tell him if you ever need his opinion, you'll ask for it. Until then, buh bye.

Hauntedmaison · 12/09/2022 21:16

Nope the fact you had to defend why you enjoy your job, it’s none of his business now so imagine if you were together what he’d be like tell him to jog on

Sapphire387 · 12/09/2022 21:18

You should ask him what he earns.

Suzi888 · 12/09/2022 21:21

I’d be tempted to say that I’ll be taking a new job for 22k🤣
Why is he so invested in your salary? ask him!

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 12/09/2022 21:28

For someone with such a short history with you he's pretty pushy isn't he!
The thing with unasked for advice is that he's not actually helping youhe's just dumping his opinion on you based on his values and his priorities.
The job you're in sounds great and the things you have there are worth a lot as they give you personal time and good mental health which people who don't have that would spend good money trying to achieve.

I think the fact he feels proprietorial over your life choices so soon in your relationship is a massive red flag, and it would raise my hackles if I was in your shoes.

hugefanofcheese · 12/09/2022 21:34

Pushy, isn't he?! I think it sounds like negging if he's constantly criticising your career, home, what next?

VladmirsPoutine · 12/09/2022 21:36

You say he asked you outright and caught you on the backfoot, then makes jokes about you living in an apartment and comments about your job. This does a red flag raise. Not least because it's just unnecessary and too much. I'd tell him outright that you don't want or appreciate the comments, no doubt he'll call you some derivative of po-faced. You really don't need to and shouldn't be having to justify your existence or lifestyle to someone so new. I'd be very wary.

MikeWozniaksMoustache · 12/09/2022 21:43

Nah, all these neggy little “jokes” build a picture. You’re seeing these red flags for a reason OP.

I think he's just looking out for you... no malice here, just a guy seeing a friend and believing she can achieve greater things.

Just make it clear that you're happy with where you are and take comfort in the knowledge that should you want to, you could earn more, albeit down a path that may not be as comfortable or enjoyable as the one you're on now.

I don’t know what post you read but it’s clear Op has done that and this twat of a man has continued to overstep boundaries. If a friend I had known years repeatedly negged my job and salary and completely ignored boundaries and feelings, and also was critical of my home and way of life I would be fucking livid, let alone some chump I had known for a few weeks .

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 12/09/2022 21:59

Agree with @MikeWozniaksMoustache I can't imagine any of my closest friends banging on about this after I'd said I was happy and they totally gave my back and are the first to tell me what I need to fear if a situation warrants it. But if they did it would be out of order. This is not that, he's just being an interfering know it all.
If a friend was like a dog with a bone over an issue that was a non issue for me and affected only me, it would be a discordant note in the friendship tune for sure..

Original poster
PurplePrecipitation · 12/09/2022 22:00

The thing I'd that I'm very happy with my life. My unambitious salary 🤣 and my lovely historic apartment.
As someone said above, I've had some crappy work environments so having one that's so lovely and supportive to me is worth the salary sacrifice. Plus I really value the holiday allowance as that's my personal priority.
That he's making me doubt my life choices, well that's a no isn't it?

OP posts:
bloodyunicorns · 12/09/2022 22:01

He's far too interested in your job. Weird. Tell him to back off. It's none of his business.

newfriend05 · 12/09/2022 22:03

If this is him after a few months.. can you imagine what he be like long term .. I'd be letting him go , not my job which I enjoy or the place that I love living in

Timeforachange22 · 12/09/2022 22:03

Nah. Sounds like being with him is taking away rather than adding to your life. If he's making you feel worse about yourself there's your answer.

Bollocks989 · 12/09/2022 22:06

Yeah, sounds likeavred flag

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 12/09/2022 22:09

Ugh. Yes red flag. He’s not listening, or worse, he’s listening and disregarding what you’re saying so he can ‘get his point across’.

I think you need to be super clear that you’re not interested in his opinions about your job and don’t want to hear anything more. Only you can make the decision as to whether it’s too much, but I’m not sure I’d want to continue a relationship with a man so happy to basically tell you your own life is wrong.

mamabeeboo · 12/09/2022 22:13

The red flag is not about him seeing your potential or anything else. The red flag is the fact he is choosing to ignore your wishes based on what you want to do with your life and your career.

hugefanofcheese · 12/09/2022 22:41

Plus he sounds very unempathetic. You've said that job security and a supportive environment is very important to you, especially as you've had personal issues to manage and if I'm honest, you're on a decent salary, live within your means and a 5-10k increase wouldn't make an astronomical change to your lifestyle after tax so it all seems like very measured decision making. He sounds incapable of understanding others' viewpoints. Red flag for me.

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