I don’t know who I am or how to fit in

[glowinglight]

On paper I have everything. Two healthy children, supportive husband who pulls his weight, house, stable job. But I often feel like I am just playing a part and like I don’t know how to be happy.

I’ve never liked my job but have stayed in the same field for 14 years because I just don’t know what I’d do instead.

I’m terrible at making friends. I can do small talk but then I don’t know how you actually take it to the next level. And recently I can’t even do small talk very well as I just feel too sad and drained all the time. I see other people swapping numbers at toddler group or the school gate and I just don’t know you build those kind of relationships because I can’t get past the “how was your summer” level.

I feel like when I say something in a group conversation or a meeting my input just gets ignored. Nobody really respects me or listens to me. It’s always been like this.

I honestly don’t think I know what I’m actually interested in or even what I actually think. I read a thread earlier about abolishing the monarchy and I thought, I actually don’t have strong views either way. And even if I did, I wouldn’t share them as I always get really nervous if conversations become heated so I just sit on the fence.

I’m in a book club and it doesn’t work as when I read something I honestly don’t know if I like it or not. Or maybe I do, but I just kind of bury it inside. When we come to discuss it I just say really benign things to start with until I’ve worked out whether the general vibes are positive or negative and then I just go with the majority view.

I read a really mean post on here recently about Kate Middleton, where the poster was saying she doesn’t really do anything or add anything, she’s just kind of decorative and nice (not saying I agree with that view). And I thought - that’s me. Except not so attractive or rich, and without as many friends.

I realise this makes me sound quite pitiful. I just want to know how to be a stronger, more confident, more interesting person who people actually respect.

Oh god - can’t believe I didn’t get any response so far - the irony 🤦‍♀️

I empathise OP - in many ways I am like you describe (though in a much worse position relationship-wise and work-wise) 😥
I don't know how other people make friends so easily. I am resigning myself to just being pretty much alone from now on.
Just wanted to let you know you're not alone, I wish I had advice but I'm going to follow your thread for advice myself

You need to get to know yourself. Have you seen Runaway Bride? It’s an awful film but there’s quite a poignant bit in it when she realises she’s always copied what her boyfriends like even down to how they prefer their eggs cooked. So she tries all the different ways and decides on one. Tiny thing but quite significant in context.

Without pressure of fear of judgement you need to spend some time finding your opinions, likes and dislikes.

Is it fear of what other people will think that’s stopping you having or displaying opinions? Were your parents very critical?

When it comes to making friends it might help to focus on the other person and getting to know them instead of worrying about what they think of you. Forget about your weekend, and then about theirs. Find out what makes them tick, most people don’t need many prompts to get chatting.

There was a thread similar to this recently. I would work on yourself, listen to podcasts on things that you like and even don’t like! Find out what motivates you. Work on yourself, exercise, diet, have some counselling if you need it, become an improved version of yourself. Write down what you are grateful for (health, family etc) if you become more positive you tend to be more confident outwardly. Happy people tend to attract people. Negotiating friendships with women has been a struggle for me, I find that the bitchiness about other people to be overwhelming with some of my anxieties (if they say that about them what do they say about me behind my back)? As I’ve got older, I do seem to care less. I am trying to out into practice my own advice however x

I also agree with getting to know yourself and learning to have the courage to say what you think, just because you can. It might be that there are things like Kate Middleton that you don't especially feel strongly about either way and that's ok too, you don't need to have strong views on everything after all! Just start being interested in yourself first and see what happens

Are you interested in other people?

im not saying that this is you at all - but i had a friend who had terrible social anxiety but honestly she was totally focussed on herself. Whenever we went out it was all about what other people were thinking of her - never about other people. I felt sorry for her for a while but after a while I realised that she solely saw social interactions in terms of herself - which was really not engaging at all!

as said - I’m not saying that’s you - but I do think sometimes it’s as much as developing an interest in other people as it is about getting to know yourself

I dont think there's actually anything wrong with only being good at small talk Not everyone wants deep conversations sometimes people just want a light relaxing chat . I would be more concerned about you hating your job because I'm guessing you have quite a few working years left so I would be looking into Training and changing your job. You can do pshycological tests to find out what you're suited to. Then hopefully if you get that sorted the other aspects of your life will fall into place ! Hope so anyway!

It sounds like you need a new hobby. Try some volunteering?

I've read that happiness is more about purpose than anything else.

So giving something back to society and/ or being creative might help.

I think you would really benefit from therapy, partly because I think most people would, but also because it seems like you're talking about lots of different issues under one umbrella.

Also, when you spend time on forums, you tend to see people with really strong opinions. It's a bit like your book club on speed, you have the people who lean strongly in one direction or another, and are very vocal about it, creating the idea we're all that way, but in my experience most people are on the fence about many, many things. I think there can be a bit of a myth about living your authentic self, never curtailing one's own feelings or principles and doing on what makes you truly happy. For me, life isn't Disney, I spend a lot of time doing things I don't actively enjoy or that I feel indifferent about. I often have to adapt my behaviour to suit other or situations such as being professional and I don't feel I'm inauthentic. Some people are more shades of grey than black & white, but obviously if you don't feel strongly you aren't going to be shouting the loudest.

Can you think of anything you either really like or don't like, anything you feel very strongly about,

Glowinglight, having read your post can I just say I respect you for your honesty and insight. Not many people would allow themselves to recognise where their
unhappiness is coming from. There's several different aspects I'd like to comment on.

Firstly you evidently do have some opinions and feelings as you worry about expressing them either not being heard or being put down for them.
Were you like me criticised and attacked as a child for your thoughts and feelings?
Maybe in your family or at school?
That has a long lasting effect and I do still feel it myself.
But I have realised that many people are just thoughtless and will express any
passing thoughts and feelings without any care and attention while others will take them in and brood.
Also many people are just plain wrong.
Wrong in what they assert as fact,
wrong in their attitudes and unnecessarily unkind in their expression.
You don't have to try to argue or rebuff them but you can privately weigh them up and decide if you think they are worth paying attention to or not.
Apply your self - reflection to others

Also you must have a lot going for you to have maintained your relationship and work life for many years.
I for one never have and have to tell myself every day to value myself as I think others should be valued. If you think your husband, children, family and maybe colleagues are worth your time, attention, respect why should you not be also? You are. Be as loving and kind to yourself as you can.

it's fine not to have an opinion, omg, it's a joy. There are way too many opinions in the world. And most of them ill-informed !!

When do you feel happy, OP?

Thanks so much for all your comments, it means a lot that you’ve taken the time to respond or give advice.

So to answer a few questions…

One thing I really do enjoy is acting! Which I suppose makes a lot of sense as I generally feel like I don’t know how to be myself, only how to play a part 🤔. We moved to a new area fairly recently so I’ve joined a couple of amateur theatre groups. I am not scared of auditions and I often get offered roles, and have no problem getting up on stage and performing. But it’s all the things around it that I find so hard. When all the other women are having fun and being silly backstage I’m too awkward and shy to join in. I see friendships forming after one production and I don’t know how it happens, I did manage to make friends at my old theatre group (in previous area) but it took literally years.

Good question about whether I find other people interesting! I think I do, but I’m definitely guilty of worrying too much about what people are thinking which often stops me being fully “present” during a conversation. I am generally quite good at asking people questions about their lives but when they do the same back I can be quite guarded so even if they share stuff with me I don’t know how to reciprocate.

My parents are great overall so I don’t want to blame them for this, but yes growing up I did learn that sharing your opinion was definitely not the done thing. For example I never knew who my parents voted for as it was drummed into me that you never share this information with anyone at all. They were quite strict and critical, I think they had good intentions (wanting me to work harder at school etc) but it did make me nervous about doing the wrong thing.

I’ve always had low self-esteem - I remember feeling this way at about age 8 or 9, it’s not a new thing.

In the past I have focused a lot on work and finding something which suits me better but I’ve sort of given up now as we need my salary and everything I considered seemed to involve a pay cut. It is definitely something which could become an option again in the future. But the idea of not having a purpose really resonates, because I do ultimately believe that my job is a bit pointless!

There are some issues I feel strongly about (although clearly not the royal family 🙃) but I rarely share those views in real life. I even get nervous posting them on MN 🙄 I tend to qualify things so much that my point kind of gets lost anyway.

Thank you so much if you read all of that! And for all the comments, it has given me a lot of food for thought. I haven’t watched Runaway Bride but I will!

OP, you sound like a really sweet and kind person. I think that you are being too hard on yourself. And I also think that you are overthinking situations and what people may think of you and that can maybe, some times, the barrier between you and other people, if that makes sense? As others have said, I think you should go on a road of self discovery, finding out what you truly like, what you truly believe, what you actually don’t like etc. But most importantly, never ever compare yourself to anyone.