My Dad has died and today is the worst day so far. I feel physically unwell. Is this normal?

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He was 90 and had advanced dementia so whilst not unexpected it was a shock because he was found by his carers. He will have died alone in his house. In my mind I keep seeing him on the bed through the narrow window outside his house as no one could get in until the paramedics arrived to break in. It was last Tuesday.

I am all over the place. I feel exhaused but restless. I can't concentrate and make a decision even about what to eat but I haven't got an appetite anyway. I keep waking up in the night. Today I went out for a walk and then realised I had forgotten to brush my teeth before I left the house.

The amount of stuff at his house is immense. He was a hoarder, not on the scale you see on the TV but I mean having multiples of everything and it seems he never ever threw anything away. We had to get a skip to put some of the rubbish in as it was very smelly. He couldn't care for himself but refused to go into a care home so to end his days that way was very painful to witness and now I am seeing the real extent of his deterioration. It hurts so much.

I have anxiety which is off the scale. About being joint executor of his estate, probate, ensuring his house stays safe until it's sold, disposing of all the stuff that is now mine, including the house, about all the things I don't know how to do. Still waiting for the coroner to decide if there will be a PM or not. Can't arrange the funeral. I feel utterly overwhelmed and ill. Is that normal?

I'm an only child with 3 DC's of my own who are helping but the reality is that it's fallling to me, the bulk of it, and I don't know what to ask them to do beyond helping with practical stuff like helping me clear the house so I can get it deep cleaned.

I didn't feel remotely like this when my DM died but then we didn't have a good relationship. Neither was I really close to my DF but I feel so very upset. I don't understand it at all.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Better advice will be along later but this is normal. Completely. Grief is affected by so many factors and its okay that you didn't feel like this with your mum. Be gentle with yourself and work with someone- a friend or other relative? To help make decisions and sort his house

Firstly, sorry for your loss.
My dad passed away after having vascular dementia, we knew it was going to happen but the shock was overwhelming, and yes it does physically hurt. Its like a pain in your heart/chest that you can actually feel.
You lose them twice, once to their illness and again when they die. You have my sincere empathy.
Alongside that you have the task of sorting out a house full of things, it will feel overwhelming and maybe intrusive, while trying to juggle your children and family.
Try to just do what you can manage in a day, anything is a step closer to getting everything sorted.
If anyone, friends or neighbours can help, let them.
Cruse bereavement can help i think, they have a website with information on this kind of thing. Check them out, or maybe a local charity or church.
Take care, it will get easier, i promise.

Don't underestimate how much of a shock it is when someone dies, and don't try to do anything that's not crucial about the house etc. It took me two years to plan a memorial for my Mother (we had no funeral because of Covid). The effects can be physical too.

That sounds so hard. I think the way to deal with all this is to try and take it in manageable chunks, and think what do I really need to do in the next few hours, what can wait a bit longer etc ad keep going.
Don't think of clearing the whole house, think about doing one room at a time otherwise it's too overwhelming.
You went for a walk-exercise and getting out is a good thing-it doesn't matter if you hadn't cleaned your teeth.

Totally normal. I had about a fortnight where every bone in my body seemed to be painful. It was awful.

please try not to think beyond the funeral. Are your DC old enough to help with that?

It gets better. I know that sounds impossible but it's true.

I have had two bereavements in my life where at some points of the grieving process I lay face down on the floor of my bedroom feeling so completely wretched I thought I would die myself.

That initial physical sickness passes with time. I can now look back with fondness and remember the good times with them but I thought at the time I was going to physically split open with the feeling of loss. It was a visceral pain almost like labour or appendicitis and I remember my throat closing as well as I lay there and like something was crushing me to the carpet.

I am so sorry for your loss time is the great healer, be kind to yourself.

I don't think it matters how much you're expecting something, weirdly it's still a shock.
It's a long game, grief. Some days you'll be able to cope, and some days you won't. Be kind to yourself. Dementia is an awful illness that takes so much, don't let it take your happy memories of your father and fill your head with regrets. My mum has dementia and has developed some unsavoury habits, but in her head it's all normal. So don't worry about how your dad was living. It will have felt fine to him.
I think its understandable that, even if you didn't have a great relationship, you feel so sad at him going. He's the end of the generation above you and lraves you feeling slightly more vulnerable.
Probate takes ages. There's lots of information online. Lots of the early practicalities are really governed by the legal authorities and you can't go faster than they allow so there's no point fretting over it. Everything you've expressed is perfectly normal. Make yourself a list over what needs to be done and chip away at it when and as you can.
I'm sorry for your loss.

Ill with grief is a thing.

In the depths of my worst grief 30 years ago my back erupted in huge spots - almost boils. My bones ached.

Grr posted too soon by accident.

Take slow deep breaths, in through nose, blow out slowly by mouth.

Drink lots of water. Sips if that's all you can manage. Eat little and often if you've no appetite. Force a biscuit down if needs be.

Be prepared for weird and possibly disturbing dreams. Or none.

Think of grief as an illness that you need to get through as best you can, taking great care of yourself physically.

Don't feel guilty if you feel amused or happy about anything, nor when you realise you haven't thought about the person for a while.

Take care.

@Xiaoxiong That is exactly the feeling, your throat closing up, the pain is real and it pulsates in your chest. Sorry for your losses, whenever they were. It does ease doesn't it, but you have explained the feeling so well.

It is normal OP but that doesn't make it any easier.

Initially in grief most people are in shock and will have great difficulty sleeping, having an appetite or feeling able to confront any number of things.

It shouldn't be too long before the coroner's assistant calls with a decision on PM or inquest (if required) and they will let you know quite soon when you can plan a funeral. I found the coroners assistant unbelievable kind and helpful, you can ask them anything and they will try to advise you so do bear that in mind.

I have just this past year been through a very painful unexpected loss and been through the entire process of solely dealing with the coroner, an inquest, and all admin associated with the estate. In the end it took 6 months for the inquest to come and go but the body was still released for the funeral and cremation had happened within 2 weeks of the death. You can still choose a funeral director and engage the services of one as well as think about what form of service or burial is appropriate. Again they are a very understanding and helpful set of people to ask practical questions of. It is normal, and ok to not have a clue what goes on or how things work.

All I can say is to try to focus on one thing at a time, utilise as much support as possible - friends, family, the other joint executor. Anything discussed or arranged try to do by email (or have a notepad and pen to make notes when speaking on the phone) so that you can refer back to the record. I opened a new email account to deal with the estate admin which really helped as it meant I wasn't seeing notifications about it all hours of the day and could check and respond at times of the day I felt able to do it- absolutely nothing needs to be done immediately but at the same time the sooner it's dealt with the sooner the process is over and that was a good motivator for me personally to keep momentum with it all but there is no right or wrong.

Re: his home, it may be helpful to utilise a house clearance company, charities will often collect furniture in good condition otherwise and please don't forget that if you do not feel able to make decisions on what to keep (after removing rubbish) that you can always temporarily rent a storage unit and decide at a later time.

I can echo the previous poster who referenced cruse bereavement, who are very good and available to anyone over the phone. They can't provide practical or legal advice but can provide someone to talk to who understands and can guide you with where to put your feelings.

Happy to answer any questions about anything in the process if you think it will help OP, very sorry for your loss.

I lost my DF much younger than yours but if I didnt feel mental torment I was in physical pain. I think loss and stress manifests itself physically.

Take it step by step. It is an all consuming horrible process. You are not in a rush. You will get there. Be kind to yourself.

I wouldn't worry about the house until after the funeral. You're pushing yourself too hard physically. There's so much to do notifying utilities, insurance and other bodies, seeing vicars, choosing type of service. It's a punch drunk feeling.

Get that out of the way first

When my Mum died unexpectedly from a stroke, I truly understood the meaning of your heart breaking. It was a physical pain. Also, when I looked at myself in the mirror, I didn't recognize myself. Most strange.