Hand hold

[Iwasntexpectingthat]

My DH is handsome, funny, well liked and works hard, but I don’t feel very loved by him, he’s not very touchy feely, makes no romantic effort, never planned a holiday/date/day out etc. just doesn’t make much effort for me really. I can count on one hand the amount of meals he’s made us, maybe I’m high maintenance, maybe I ask too much but today; he forgot our wedding anniversary for the second year in a row (we’ve only been married 3 years). We have 3 little ones, I feel lonely, unloved and deflated. He’s said he’s sorry, gone to Tesco and bought me a little plant and a card but I’m really low, I’ve gone for a drive. Has anyone else felt like this?

It sounds like you are very miserable Op, have a virtual unmumsnetty hug from me.

Do you think that you two would be able to find the time, and a babysitter? My first thought would be that you need to sit down with each other and talk.

You really are at the coalface with three young children. It’s overwhelming at times and can take over . Sometimes it’s easy to forget we are actually Ms@Iwasntexpectingthat and not mum (and dad.)

Sorry, you didn’t ask for advice, and instead how other people had felt.

ive felt miserable, lonely, forgotten in relationships before. I think a lot of people have.

But we don’t know what he and your relationship are like.. Is he kind, and thoughtful in other ways?

thw Five Languages of Love are often trotted out on here and it may be worth a read.

Thank you. I’ve sat him down numerous times and had ‘the chat’, he knows I need more, promises more but never gives and now this (forgetting the anniversary).

Honestly I’m so sad, I’ve given up everything for our family (career - I’m a SAHM, money, my body, my sanity), it’s been a rough ride, I never asked for gifts, just his time and energy (plan a home date, make a meal etc.).

We don’t have any family or friends that can/will help I’m afraid, the kids are all too young for them to ‘deal with’. It’s tough but we only really have each other child care wise.

Yes, I’ve seen the 5 languages of love, we fully know what ours are, I give him his, he fails to give me mine unfortunately.

I get it.

That sucks.

If you imagine yourself in two years time, are you with him? Do you want to be with him?

It’s a damn sight easier to split up with little children , ime, . I’m certainly not saying that’s what you should do. But I do wonder if it’s something you might want to consider.

My DM never left. She felt miserable, taken for granted and worn down to the ground for mostly her entire marriage . Last year, When she was suddenly diagnosed with a glioblastloma and moved from A and E to a ward to a hospice within a fortnight she only wanted her DDs. She chose not see or speak to my DF again, and for the first time in her life, despite knowing she was weeks from death there was a lightness and freedom to her which we all thought came from finally being away from my DF. They were one year away from their 50th wedding anniversary.

Don’t be my DM. 🥲

We get one life.

Im so sorry, that is incredibly sad to hear.

Im very conflicted, I love him dearly, but, I don’t get anywhere near what I want from a romantic relationship from him. He came from a very loveless, unloving long term relationship before me and I think it set the bar for him, she expected nothing and in return gave nothing also, whereas I’m a big giver and a big lover, he loved that about me when we first met, and he was reciprocating in it however 3 kids deep nothing and I look at my life and sob sometimes because I never thought It would be like this

Oh love, it’s exhausting too, feeling so sad.

Do you have anyone in rl you’re close to enough to talk about it? I know you said upthread that it’s just the two of you.

Its hard to get your head round if you’ve told him before several times how his behaviour makes you feel.

Are you due another sit down with him to tell him exactly what you’ve said here. Will he make all the right noises and slip back to taking you for granted?

Do you. think he realises how badly this is affecting you?

Im sorry you’ve just got me and my depressing stories ! Come on Mumsnet, deliver some worldly wisdom.

No, I’ve told a few people but they just laugh it off as “oh typical….”

We had the chat before, I left and went for a drive, he said he just wish I’d let him make it up to me so when I asked how is he going to do that he said he doesn’t know, so i left. I guess I either stay and drop my expectations of him and stop being who I am (giving so much) or leave him.. both sound pretty miserable especially with such young children

That does sound like a miserable choice. Does he know how down to the wire it is for you?

Apart from having a good chat and maybe going to couples’ counselling (I think you can do it online) I’m not sure either.

You say he wants to make it up to you. How he can make it ip
to you is sitting and listening to how it feels when you’re feeling invisible. He may just need prompting, some help along the way via self help books as he must have had a shitty childhood.
it sounds like you love each other, and your children are very young. Sit down with him, just be as honest as you’ve been here and I wish you all the very best.
All relationships go through peaks and troughs, only you k ow whether this trough is a deep one or not , iyswim.

Happy Anniversary from this random on t’interweb anyway.