Does anyone else have an anxious child/ school illness faker, I'm exhausted already

[Snarrf]

DD is 13 and under SEN register for this ongoing issue.

She has school anxiety and last year was such a bloody battle

She was 98% fine over summer holidays which cements to me that this is a school issue, not genuine physical illness. (I know it is a mental illness though!)

She's been back in school a week. The first few days were OK and I stupidly thought maybe this year would be better.
Midweek she started saying she felt sick/tummy ache/headache. All the usual.

Phone calls at 2am to tell me she feels poorly. Texts. Refusing to get dressed.

Her brother has started at the same high-school and she's already made him late.

The school is very aware of all this and she is constantly in the office /nurses office.

She said she felt ill this morning and that she had thrown up. She was sent to school as advised (if I kept her off everytime she said she had been sick she would have 10% attendance)

The school rang to say her brother was sick and could I go get him.

He had awful stomach pains and struggled to walk home with me and went straight upto the toilet with the runs.

Thing is, DD is going to be livid that he was sent home when she is 'never believed'.

Im just so tired and fed up of dealing with this all the time.

I don't know how to deal with it.

My 17 yo started being sick at school in Year 7. To start it was so occasional that for several years it was easy to think it was a bug. It really ramped up in Year 10. Doctor ruled out any physical cause which only leaves anxiety. This made sense as it never happened at weekends or holidays but DS was relatively happy at school, nice friends, no bullying, academically alright. In desperation I had him assessed by an Ed Psych as I couldn't believe he could feel like that with no underlying cause and he was diagnosed with dyslexia.

I suspected years of having to cope with that, underperforming and feeling a bit "thick" have really eroded his confidence.

He started in Year 13 today and spent an hour this morning being sick before he went in despite telling me he was looking forward to going back.

CAMHS have told us he will be an adult before he is seen so I am now spend a small fortune on private therapy in a desperate attempt to help him. He's missed so many lessons last year as he had to walk out to be sick and I cannot imagine he will be able to cope at university or work if we can't sort this.

I really would recommend trying to get to the bottom of this sooner than we have.

There are some people (children and adults) who suffer anxiety because thats the way they are, this gets lost though with the very natural human need to find out what is underneath something, to explore and unpick things to find out 'why'

Sometimes there just isnt a reason, it just is

That may or may not be the case with your daughter but its important not to discount it and just treat the anxiety and provide her with the ability to build better coping skills to do things that she doesnt want to do, like we have to as adults

On the other hand there may be things happening at school which is causing this anxiety, but you've so far been unable to identify anything.

There is a definite trend, particularly with girls at the moment whereby they're reading up online about various disorders or MH illnesses and adopting those symptoms and self diagnosing and presenting to professionals with those symptoms. Its difficult to know whether its just a teenage affectation, a stage they go through or whether as someone has said its a cry for help for something else.

Nothing particularly helpful there OP but personally I would continue to send her in given the other factors youve mentioned which is that school seems positive for her and she has had a settled and enjoyable summer.

1-She's always been very loud, shouty, no issues with noise preteens. Been in a loud home environment and been fine. But now any noises she covers her ears and runs away. She requested noise cancelling headphones and wears them.

The reading up on it does make it tough to tell. The not having any obvious symptoms till that age doesn't mean much really. Some children mask well and can cope for longer then others. My DD is loud and shouty at home, they all are, noise you make and can control yourself has a different sensory impact to noise around you. DS always screams when the school bell sounds. DD will scream if one of her siblings sing around her.

She will knows that this situation is not good and that not going to school is only goign to harm her in the long run. So give her some ownership of it - at the end of the day, no one can force her, but she must see it's in her best interest to go to school - so how can we work together towards something more positive here?

Not going to school doesn't necessarily harm children in the long run.

My eldest stopped attending school in year 5 because he couldn't cope with the environment at the time due to undiagnosed autism.

People kept saying to me that he has to be in school would harm him but no, it didn't, it saved him from harm.

He passed his GCSEs this summer as is now in a place where is mental health has recovered and he is attending a mainstream selective 6th form.

An opinion that school is the ONLY way a child can be educated is simply wrong.

There is a definite trend, particularly with girls at the moment whereby they're reading up online about various disorders or MH illnesses and adopting those symptoms and self diagnosing and presenting to professionals with those symptoms. Its difficult to know whether its just a teenage affectation, a stage they go through or whether as someone has said its a cry for help for something else.

Yes, although I do remember this being a thing even when I was at school in the late 90's/ 2000's!

Sometimes it is about attention or whatever - although I would say, even if that is the case, it doesn't mean they then DON'T have a mental health issue!

If a young person is e.g. self harming becasue they have seen it in the news and know a few other people who are doing it - well, they are still doing it aren't they? It's still self harm and it's still problematic, and by that point, yes, they actually do have mental health issues just as the same as anyone else who is self haring.

It doens't really matter that they may have manipulated it to be so. Why have they felt the need to do that in the first place?

It's all one and the same.

Something has gone wrong and they are not getting what they need - so that's what needs to be addressed.

If you can afford it @Snarrf get a private psychiatrist assessment. Seeing the lack of diagnosis in black and white was actually liberating for us.

With the masking.

I think if she had shown signs as a small child, learned to mask and was now stopping then I could understand that.

But she never showed any signs of autism as a small child. Hit all her developmental targets, very outgoing, loud, confident. Enjoyed playgroups. I had zero concerns

This has all been in the last year.

Could you give me a ballpark figure of how much that would be? Just to know if it's something I can afford to look into.

I get what you're saying. Its something I've tried to explain to DD over the years when she gets angry saying I don't believe her, I believe she is in pain and distressed, what she is feeling is real, but physical symptoms don't mean you have a physical illness. It's really tough, especially if you don't have any real support in dealing with her anxiety. So many morning's Ive felt like Ive run a mental marathon just to get her inside those school gates and I am so depleted from doing it for so long.

Does that get rid of anxiety?
NO
Oo, I was like your daughter. In fact I had so much anxiety I was sick before school a few times. I hid in toilets, I stated in the nurses office and pretended to sleep so I'd miss the next lesson etc.
I just bloody hated all of it. I had to get the train to school which meant very early mornings, my brother bullied me on the train, when I got to school I was bullied, I felt the teachers were scary. It just really didn't click for me at all.

I personally would move her to a new school if you can? I went to a new school for 5th year and loved it although I still didn't do well in exams as I think my parents left it too long to change anything that I had resolved myself to not doing well.
You need to nurture her not feed her anxiety

Her school is FANTASTIC.

She has a SEN teacher, last year she spent most of the year in her office. They provided her with counselling. Double the usual amount they allocate.
They phone me and email me with updates all the time.
Mtheyvare so supportive. She loves her teacher and her friends there.

She would not wnat to move.
Ots the nest school in the whole area. They have 5 x the admission numbers applying, she was incredibly lucky to get in.

The school isn't the issue.

I so feel for you op.
Our dd-17 now was exactly the same- had friends,liked school but struggled so much with anxiety about going in.
At your dd's age she couldn't vocalise Or I believe identify what the problem was but has since realised she hated feeling trapped at school all day and likened it feeling being locked in which freaked her out.
Games lessons were a particular stress as they were a moving feast as to what they were doing but sitting them out was worse for her.
Our dd definitely has/ had a degree of social anxiety and really struggled with the times they were moving round the school and also found the older children scary on mass.
In the end I would collect her from school or take her in late to allow her to miss the lesson that was causing her the most anxiety - not ideal but at least she was in school most of the time.
Over time and with some counselling she has improved so much and sailed through her exams with fantastic results.
She has started sixth form and isn't in a form with her friends and is doing different subjects but is doing so so well and loving it.
We are so proud of how much she has improved in all ways we never believed possible even last year.
I guess I'm trying to say that listen to her and let her know that even if you don't understand her fears they are valid and that you will try to help and support her.
I would have a knot of anxiety in my stomach every school day and stress over every message she sent and sometimes feel horrible and not have patience with her-it's so hard seeing them so unhappy.

This is what I referred to when I posted above though, its too simplistic to have one view about this sort of thing

If there is no underlying issue, other than that school is uncomfortable, doesnt like it, doesnt want to go, then the way you create comfort about school is to ensure that they go and build up their coping mechanisms. Obviously you rely on school being a safe place for the child and in this case OP reports no issues with bullying or teaching staff or issues like that.

Anxiety can be overcome by exposure, over and over again so the person becomes desensitized but it also depends on what is causing the anxiety as I said above.

The other thing is that there is a modern trend of viewing anxiety as something which means we must remove the anxiety and not do the thing that causes it. Thats not always true either. Its ok to do something and continue to feel anxious or uncomfortable. Most people have heard of feel the fear and do it anyway,, that book revolutionised my life and that of others, the very concept of doing something and getting through it even if its anxiety provoking meant that the world opened up and I wasnt disabled by it

Thats so important and a lesson that children these days are not being given.

Anxiety can be overcome by exposure, over and over again so the person becomes desensitized but it also depends on what is causing the anxiety as I said above

If you add the word sometimes to the first sentence then you might be right.

Sometimes if you force a child into a harmful situation, even when the harm is not obvious to the adults around them, then you cause trauma that can last for years.

it is a fine balance.

Having been in a position where I had to change my approach from starting off by saying you must go to school to withdrawing a child who was being traumatised by being forced into an environment which was harming them, I can categorically tell you that he could not have overcome the anxiety by exposure.

If a child were becoming traumatised by going home then there would , rightly, be investigations for the cause. The attitude to children being traumatised by going to school is to parent blame and say that the child must be more resilient.

I really think that unless you have been through this it is impossible to understand. Some children are harmed in the school environment. It is not weakness or poor parenting to acknowledge this and to meet the child's educational needs.

Mmm sounds like something my parents would say. They put me to private school.
On paper it's fantastic and yet your daughter isn't happy.

I don't think you should dismiss her feeling that she has autism quite do readily actually.

Ds2 "self diagnosed " asd at 13, later confirmed by a proper assessment. He also had a long history of anxiety about school (although not a refuser).

He was bright and had read up about autism and was able to link a number of his traits to the condition. The psychologist he saw picked up on far more than he (or we) ever saw, though looking back now it's all glaringly obvious.

He has problems with things like noise and eye contact now that he didn't as a child (or if he did it really wasn't obvious).

He also presents as more autistic since diagnosis because he doesn't have to mask so much any more . Anxiety is still there but now we can start to unpick it even though he can't always explain what the problem is or work out what will help.

Your dd is not OK in school. Continuing to force her into an environment that doesn't work for her is not going to end well. So you need answers really quickly or fgs get her out of there before she breaks.

I already said in the bit you quote that it depends what is causing the anxiety

Where have you read into my post that Im blaming the parent?

What are her special education need if she’s smart, sociable and doing well at school?

Is your son actually Ill or is he copying his sister?

*She's always been very loud, shouty, no issues with noise preteens. Been in a loud home environment and been fine. But now any noises she covers her ears and runs away. She requested noise cancelling headphones and wears them.

My sisters daughter is 2 and autistic. She is non verbal and does alot of 'flapping'

DD has never done that but now when she gets excited over something she does*

My dd is 1) and waiting for an ASD assessment. Her issues seemed to suddenly ramp up at 13 or so. Couldn’t stand noise etc. She was Ok ish until then.

It is such a fine balance between trying to keep doing things and not harming the child and every child is different. DD would get much more anxious after missing a couple of days, keeping her home for mental health days, which I've done often made things worse. She couldn't move schools without trauma and home schooling during lockdowns was a nightmare and homework still is. She absolutely needs to be in school, some other children school is the worst place they could be. It's hard as a parent to know when to encourage them to face that fear, in small appropriate steps that aren't too scary, and when they need removing from the cause of their anxiety.

The big picture issue is that when a child is not a good fit for a large noisy secondary school, the main focus tends to be too try and fix the child.

Secondary school is awful for pretty much all teenagers at some level. It is an out dated, competitive, mass policing to the lowest common denominator. Not a lot of respect and a lot of shouting and threatening of consequences for any 'bad' behaviour (forgetting a tie or a pen etc)

Mine wasn't a school refuser, too anxious to not toe the line, but is in a 6th form college and the difference in herself is astonishing.

Can you home school, part home school, move to a smaller school, private school...or just take her out and give her a break?

We are all conditioned to think school and exams are the only way...but they're not and not at the expense of a child being told they are wrong for not wanting to go.

It's really hard. And really hard as a parent to have a child that is suffering, for any reason

Where have you read into my post that Im blaming the parent?

The last part which was along the lines that children are not being taught resilience.

This is typical parent -blaming speak.

If that wasn't your intention then fine, it's just parents of children who are not fine in school hear so much rubbish about how we are failing our children that I assumed it was.

Yes I have the same. Year ten was hire

I have suspected I may have traits if autism or something but I just don't know.
Anyway, your post is similar to mine and I just want to give you a cuddle and say I understand x