What would your PARTNER's "honest" dating profile include

[MrsTerryPratchett]

It occurred to me reading the other thread that we need to know what exists out there. My DH's would be:

Still gaming as an adult, likes beer, terrible flatulence (see: beer). However; very hot and cleans.

Grumpy, short-tempered and prone to moaning.
Believes that the woman should finish first.

Grumpy, critical and selfish. Looking for a woman who never expressed any sort of emotion, is open to random groping and is happy to do everything for me because I’m tired from my Very Important Job.

Any takers??

Constantly bites skin on thumb and chews 🤢When confronted says its a crumb from a biscuit he ate earlier. Has a habit of repeatedly touching his nose for no apparent reason and potters around the house releasing wind like it's an Olympic sport. Other women look at him. He's tall, hunky, gorgeous, funny and 100% loyal. Is a fabulous Dad and has the kindest heart in the world.

Don't ever ask him to do more than one thing at once. Frustratingly methodical and sloooow. A massive overthinker. Lacks patience.

Also: kind, honest, loyal, ageing like a fine wine, a great dad and an amazing husband.

6ft 2, dark hair, slim and athletic, watery blue eyes like rock pools and thin mean lips.

Wanders about looking confused with something in his hand often, very good at DIY and foot rubs, never understands why DS doesn’t get cultural references from his youth. Quotes Mike Gatting’s cricket tea analogy at every opportunity. Small children and animals always make a bee line for him. Is willing to sing Human League songs to horses in fields.

talks through every TV programme you watch, is louder than a foghorn, farts that would stir the unconscious, snores that will wake up the neighbours, has an answer for everything, absolute master of the white lie, comically unreliable, gives the best hugs in the world, would fight to the death for you, great cook and lover

@MrsTerryPratchett , thankfully he’s been out of my life for a few years now (I dated him before he started getting into drunken fights), so I can laugh about it too!

He emailed me about a year ago and offered to buy me dinner. Sadly I wasn’t available. But I expect he’s still open to offers, ladies.

Most recent ex:

Kind, considerate, well-presented, always pays his half. Loves gardening and will tackle minor DIY. Strong believer in monogamy.

Emotionally absent, not willing to invest time or effort in building a relationship. Suit FWB but doesn’t understand the concept.

Incredibly optimistic about how long it takes to get places. Gradually learning to think logistics before planning wild adventures. King of pottering in his shed building things. Phenomenal father, excellent husband, loving son, owner of an outstanding pair of buttocks.

Kind and caring.
Great family man.
Interrupts everyone when they are speaking.
Cannot leave a conversation and misses clues that he should.
Will do anything for anybody.

Thank goodness for that!

Oh this is my DH too!

Can be moody, can't sit on the sofa for longer than 10 minutes without falling asleep.
Farts loudly and often, spends more time than me in the bathroom but is a very hard worker, brilliant dad and not a bad shag either 😜

ADHD and prone to depressive episodes, highly sensitive and needs a fair bit of attention, minimal social filter, farts like it’s going out of fashion, spends an inordinate amount of time on the phone to his best mate.

6’2”, absolutely gorgeous, excellent dress sense, hilarious, amazing singer, does all the cooking and most of the housework unless I get to it first - says a real man doesn’t let his woman lift a finger 😁incredibly romantic, up for anything and will happily come on any kind of wild adventure, brilliant dad including to his stepDCs, will cry at romcoms with you, likes to read, unfailingly kind and thoughtful, beyond unbelievable in bed and has both epic stamina and an astonishing capacity to recover and go again. He’s a good one!

Farts and blames the pets/admits it but thinks he’s hilarious.
Clothes often have spilled food on them. Too vain to wear his glasses and can never find them.
Makes amazing fish pie.
Lovely head of floppy hair.
Cute bum
Makes the best scrambled eggs in the world.

Are you good with dragons? You will need to be for his mother! Fussy eater, handsome & sexy, twinkly eyes, gets totally submersed in hobbies, brilliant father, tight with money, has a huge deep old friendship group prone to massive lads drunken nights out. Is fantastic at DIY if you can ever get him to do it. Has a supernatural skill for packing shopping also sees ghosts (this is because his mother is a witch!) Can't be told what to do.

Extremely talented at his very niche job
Knows a lot about a lot
Pretty Good looking for his age
Dresses well and good taste
Has expensive tastes
Very very clean personally
Useless at DIY or anything domestic
Bit of a hoarder and messy but clean
All holidays/house /life choices revolve around him
Dreadful temper particularly driving
Bit of a hypocrite- right on in many ways but happy to call women drivers stupid tarts etc

These are brilliant. I can see this entering classic threads.

Significant life-long male role-figure complex
Chronic fear of rejection and pathologically afraid of being made to look or feel inferior
Incredibly hard working, perfectionist
Great looking, skin like butter, fabulous bum
Excellent singer, stupendous cook
Extremely funny
Incapable of picking his battles with his children, finds parenthood baffling
Very loyal