Parent anxiety about school trip - help?!

[ButterflyLion]

Hello.
Selfish post here.
DD is going on a school trip (skiing) in a few months. She's 13. She's never been away from me before.
I'm f*ing terrified. She's really nervous too, so of course I'm being all positive around her. She almost didn't go, but decided to at the last minute.

I don't know what I'm worried about exactly - just what would happen if she got hurt, ill or scared without me there. General stuff, and scaring myself with scare stories online.

She's asking now whether she ought to not go because she's nervous. Tell me I need to be positive and not go with the "yeah, just cancel" line which would be easiest for me...

OP, 13 is an ideal age for your DD to start to do things without you. If she becomes ill, they will look after her. If she gets hurt, ditto. If she's scared without you there, she can call you/Zoom/whatever you. The chances are that she'll be having a whale of a time with her friends and won't be giving you a single thought (in a good way).

My DC - now young adults- have done some things that have scared me shitless over the years. One thing that always helped was to think that the chances of them coming to serious grief while kayaking/skiiing/riding were probably statistically smaller than the chances of them coming to serious grief crossing the main road near our house.

I still have to take deep breaths when other young people drive them to places, though, and did once add "I do not consent to my DC participating in potholing" on a school residential form.

Your DD will be fine, and so will you. Wave her off with a smile.

Oh thank you @PenYGore - what a lovely, very helpful post

Oh goodness - I'm all overcome!

Honestly, your DD will be absolutely fine. If it's any consolation, I still worry about my PFB even though my subsequent DC have done far worse than PFB has ever done.

Your DD will have a lovely time and she will be bursting to tell you all about it when she returns. It's all part of growing up (though letting our children grow up is not easy - I still wish I could get into a time machine and return to the time when I was spending all day with toddlers).

I am a teacher who has run and attended countless trips.
Staff probably take more care of their charges than they would their own children.
It will be a wonderful opportunity for you both. When she is away indulge in activities you might not get chance to do when she is at home.
On the school ski trip at my school siblings went and parents treated it as a kid free break for them.😁

use this as an opportunity to teach her that it’s normal to feel anxious about things and that she doesn’t need to fear anxious thoughts. Explain that although we might feel anxious we can use those thoughts in to channelling how to feel prepared and be ready (ie if she is anxious she won’t know what to do, can she ask a teacher how lessons work etc).

Help her to see that we can divide stuff in to “I like this”, “I can handle it” and “this is a crisis”. There will be some parts of the trip she likes, some she doesn’t like but can handle and some that feel like a crisis. Remind her that if there is an actual crisis she needs to ask for help, but if it is “I don’t like this food, it feels like a crisis to not have food I like” then remind her that she had tools to handle it and it’s okay to not like everything all the time.

Both mine done multiple residential trips they have always had a great time. Yes I hate them leaving me but it's all part of growing up.

Hi @ButterflyLion my son went off to Borneo on a World Challenge trip and I was petrified!! It was a 3 week trip organised by the school and it went exactly to plan, he loved it! He then organised another trip independently of school with some friends post 6th, ended up in hospital with suspected appendicitis! Everything was dealt with, I was kept completely informed and he was absolutely fine in the end! Guess what I'm trying to say is we have to let them go, spread their wings, but the companies that run these trips are totally on the ball and really look after the kids in my experience. Good luck, try to relax, it's really difficult but we have all scared our parents in one way or another, at least this is an organised trip and not a 1980's EuroRail backpacking trip without mobile phones...! 💐and 🥂, try to relax x

When my dd was 13 she went skiing with school to America for 10 days...she LOVED IT!
She's now 18 and planning a gap year, travelling to Sri Lanka first then Thailand, Korea etc. On her own.
Please don't cancel the trip...it will be life changing x

Thank you all SO much - I can't tell you how helpful this is.

You all sound like amazing people, parents and teachers, and are so kind to post so helpfully.

This is helping me to see that I need to deal with both my anxiety and DD's and is making me feel much more able to do that, and much more positive. Perhaps I'll also take DD to a dry ski slope which might help deal with at least some of the anxieties she has.

My DD is away this weekend on an outdoors activity trip. I have total confidence in the people leading the trip. She's just sent me a photo and is just having the best time.
I do a lot of voluntary work which includes residential trips with children and young people. We really do take a lot of care in the planning and execution of them and the kids have a fab time.
It's really empowering, a great learning experience and they make friends and lovely memories. Even the trickier bits where they might feel a bit sad or homesick in the long run are really important in building confidence and resilience.

From a teacher viewpoint, I’ve been on a few school trips, one of which was skiing, with Years 8,9,10. I can tell you that we looked after those young people as though they were our own. We hardly slept, making sure that they were OK, having a good time, happy etc. I was a useless skier, so mostly ended up with bags to trudge around with. I think they would all tell you that they had a great time and there wasn’t anyone who didn’t join in everything.

I am an exteacher who has taken kids of your daughter's age on ski trips before.
Please do not be nervous, we completely understand this is often the first time parents have let their children away abroad but trust me when I day they will be cared for diligently.
Yes it will be slightly different from how you may care from them, as we normally have about an 1:10 ratio but trust me when I say your DD will come away richer from the experience. It is scary for you and you will be feeling nervous but just tell your daughter she will have a great time and to let her trachers know if there is anything she feels funny about. Do just encourage her to let her teachers know if she feels a bit homesick. The initial travel and first night are often the worst and then they settle in and have a great time. Ask her what she feels nervous about, often it is skiing ability or hurting herself or having to share a bathroom etc. Often having mum say it will be okay is enough to settle nreves. One thing I would advise though is popping a few sanitary towels etc into her case. Due to their age had a few girls have their first period etc while they have been away and if mum hasn't had that chat or put some things in their case I think can be a bit awkward for them having their teacher go through it.

I run a ski trip, she might ring you crying in ‘whingy Wednesday’ as they are knackered by then. By Thursday she’ll be right as rain. Try not to worry, with skiing they are so busy, she won’t have time to be homesick.

My DD1 started going on school/church overnight trips at age 13 and I worried just like you. To make matters worse, DD1 is a total klutz. I got a phone call from the ER (A&E) of a hospital on almost every trip! Skiing - twisted kneecap, mountain trail biking - went straight down the mountain without the trail and got cuts and bruises and a damaged knee. Even at the beach - stepped on a seashell and cut her foot! BUT - the adults who were there handled everything well, and she lived to come home and tell the tale. Today she is a confident skier and biker. She avoids the ocean but that is due to her fear of being bitten by a shark. Which with her history is NOT an impossibility.