People who have lived through an unfair narrative? You or a public figure… make me feel better?

[Eloispp]

Basically I am sick to the stomach at the narrative that I’m this unstable ex. I wasn’t. Truly.

My ex has managed to paint a picture via lawyers that was all wrong. He’s used my attempts to save our relationship for our son to say he did no wrong and I was desperate to be with him… the reality was I put up day after day, with his shit behaviour. Of course I wasn’t perfect and the fact I apologised way back he also brings to the forefront. I did all that to do right by our dc and maintain an amicable relationship as we separated. I feel such a fool. I believed we could be civil and not have so much hatred and he’s dragged me through the mud.

I KNOW I shouldn’t care what his solicitor or dad or sibling thinks or his friend or colleagues I’ve never met. But it makes me so angry that he’s painted me this way.

Just wanted some solidarity really. It’s only been 5 months so maybe it will get better. It’s hard with dc too as I wonder what he will say to them when older. They’re only 4 now.

I’ve never so much as breathed a bad word about him except to two best friends but he waltzes round in a very flashy job and I genuinely feel like he’s walked all over me… I did so much for him. He threw it all back in my face. I really hate him I never ever thought I would be someone who felt this way I always thought I would be able to rise above it all… so much harder than you think.

I'm sorry to hear this and that you've had no advice. Maybe @MNHQ could move your thread to relationships where you may get some good advice?

I have no experience in this but I hope things improve for you. You don't need all this negativity when just trying to do right by your dc.

Maybe you DO need to say a few bad words about him?

You sound a little stuck in the past and still hankering after him perhaps. It's probably time to get angry and start to move on - you really should not care what this twat thinks

Sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.

Unfortunately there are millions of men who love to paint their exes as "unstable" or "psycho" etc. It's very common behaviour. You're not alone.

Stop caring what he thinks. Move on. Think about yourself and your dcs and only that. Block all contact with his family and friends, they are not your friends and family now. Communicate via email and only about decisions concerning your dcs. Let your solicitor handle your divorce. Things will get better but you have to stop giving your ex head space.

I live in a very small community and my ex who also lives there told everyone I was caught having an affair with my best friend.

He then teamed up with my previous ex and together they made up a story to the police and got me arrested. Very publicly. I was attacked in the press and community groups.

All of it is lies which will be shown to be just that in due course.

In the meantime I have to walk around in our community knowing that people are talking about me. Judging me. Thinking I have done something so bad.

My advice. You know the truth. Hold your head up. People will soon see it. And actually most people don't care. It's gossip for a few minutes.

And I promise you his solicitor does not give a shit. They are doing their job and being paid what to say. The truth comes out in the end

It happened to me when a 'friend' with poor mental health started telling lies about me, which sadly were believed by a lot of people in my community. I have just carried on as normal, I never bad mouth her. She continues to lie, but two years on, people get fed up with listening to it. I try being my best self - always try to be kind and friendly to people. The best revenge is to live well, and for me it is beginning to work. You have my sympathy OP it is absolutely horrible to go through, but people will lose interest in time.

If it helps, for most women over the age of 35, when he says his ex was "crazy" we hear his behaviour was abusive. It's a tale as old as time, it really is. Only children fall for it, and they wise up in the end.

His "crazy ex" is such a cliche. Few will buy it, though they may not say so to his face.

I agree with this.

This has also happened to me.

Its “smearing” and is impossible to get ahead of with others.

Be dignified and be judged (in time….) by your actions, not his words and he will be by his.

Its a very painful and lonely place to be (for a time) but you do need to very actively and consciously remove yourself from any source of his words (SM, specific friends, limited comm with him).

Those that matter won’t care and those that care don’t matter.

Keep calm and dignified and look the other way.

He is trying to destroy you - never engage with others as it is inadvertently fuelling his narrative.

I have no advice but I hope this makes you feel better-
My ds's dad cheated on me throughout my pregnancy and then one day left and never came back. I tried to keep everyone happy and allowed them to see ds (his side) but he'd been telling everyone all sorts of lies about me namely that I'd beaten him up which was total rubbish (he was also 2 foot taller than me and twice the size) I thought our relationship was fine, good even. So it came as a total shock. I didn't react to any of it and brushed it off i just blocked them all but I do hear things now and then and it saddens me to think that people who don't know me will believe this crap. Its been a year now and although it hurts you will come out on top, sending you love❤

I feel this. "Public" only in the sense that my mother's smear campaign has reached all the relatives.

It has made me stronger in some ways. Standing really firm in my own interpretation of events has eventually healed the wound of not being heard.

But it still hurts so much. It is so unfair! It's so disappointing. But I do feel that it's less likely that I'll be bullied or scape goated in my life in the future. I used to bend with the wind. I used to fill empty silences with chit chat. I used to say oh I don't mind. 90% of people were pleasant to me but everywhere i went, there would be one covert scape goating narc who'd exclude me, through silent treatments while love bombing other more high status people!!!

So while it's been an horrendous few years, I feel healed from one of my original wounds. Or rather, the people pleasing that was a symptom of a wound. I can at least hid or refrain from outward people pleasing.

I think the passing of time is your ally.

Focus on being a strong person of integrity; avoid rows or badmouthing - and in time, people will see you for who you are, and the incidents from which your ex makes capital will recede into the forgotten past.

Yes that's very good advice. IME the more you protest your innocence the more guilty people will decide you are.

And remember this - narcs attract flying monkeys. They flock together, they stick together, and you are better off away from them.

Whose opinion are you bothered about? The lawyers? They don't care

I worked for a total narcissist and abusive test. He bullied me at work and gaslighted me so badly I began to believe his lies about me. Telling my I was awful at my job. That I couldn't cope with life in general. Simple things like him telling me I had not put my out of office on, even though I had and others had received it. Then actually screaming at me for being so stupid. The bullying was relentless and only ended when he tried to put me through a disciplinary. It was handed to another manager from a different building who uncovered everything that he had been doing.

But I lost my job anyway. I was told I was being made redundant but could accept a much higher payout if I sign a non-disclosure agreement and don't go to an employment tribunal. Or I could just have my notice period.

It was a difference of around £40k. So I took the money. It was more than I would ever get a tribunal even if they found fully in my favour.

So then I left in silence, he got to tell his complete lies and that's what everyone believes. I can't say anything because I signed an NDA, so his lies have become the undisputed truth.

My ex has told everyone that I was the abusive one, neglecting to mention his arrests, yes plural. His affairs, one with a family member, the fact that I wasn’t allowed out for 20 odd years. Oh and the fact that his adult kids don’t have anything to do with him.
I let him get on with it, they’ll find out soon enough.

Jessieminro that is so headwrecking.
I hope you got another job where you are treated with respect
Xxx