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Original poster

Feeling so harassed by my mum - affecting mental health

22 replies

janeseymour78 · 09/09/2022 12:25

About a month ago I had an argument with my mother which is quite unusual. She blew up at me, ruining a really nice evening with other relatives. She apologised to them but not to me.

I'm.now on holiday and trying to take a time out. She said have a nice time but then started sending me lots of messages. I sent one short message saying I'd be in touch when I got home after my holiday.

Again she said 'have a nice time' but has kept bombarding me with messages day and night. It's starting to ruin my trip. I'm totally justified to not reply to a single one of these messages aren't I? I feel quite angry about it, like there's no escape at all.

OP posts:

PitifulPrincess · 09/09/2022 12:26

What is she exactly saying?

Original poster

janeseymour78 · 09/09/2022 12:27

She's sending loads of messages about things she's been asked to do at work but doesn't want to do - just using me as a soundboard.

And sending loads of news about the queen - I'm in a foreign country trying to enjoy a break.

OP posts:

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 09/09/2022 12:29

janeseymour78 · 09/09/2022 12:27

She's sending loads of messages about things she's been asked to do at work but doesn't want to do - just using me as a soundboard.

And sending loads of news about the queen - I'm in a foreign country trying to enjoy a break.

I would mute her or block. Just until you get back.

But i would also raise her disregard for your boundary.

Original poster

janeseymour78 · 09/09/2022 12:31

I actually feel I need time to rest and recover partly because of that argument. So to have that encroached on as well - I feel I can't get a break from her at all.

I have a feeling @Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim that if I don't reply I might get an 'are you ok' message next but I don't want to reply to that either. I made it very clear I was having a break. I'm really angry about it.

OP posts:

FictionalCharacter · 09/09/2022 12:33

Definitely mute until you get back. Holidays for me are a special, precious time and I would only reply if it was an emergency. I'm on holiday, I'm not available.

Newusernameaug · 09/09/2022 12:34

Switch your phone off!!
it feels so great to do, personally I wouldn’t switch back on till home :)

Original poster

janeseymour78 · 09/09/2022 12:36

@Newusernameaug nice idea but I'm using it to meet up with friends who live here so I can t avoid seeing the messages. I can mute her - it may lead to escalating messages but I still don't think I should have to answer them either.

I'm over 30 ffs.

OP posts:

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 09/09/2022 12:36

I would send something firm which states you are fine and will now speak to her in your own time due to her disregard for your request. And then block her

forrestgreen · 09/09/2022 12:37

I'd send her a message saying the internet is really dodgy, you'll be in touch when you land. - and block until you get back

FictionalCharacter · 09/09/2022 12:37

"if I don't reply I might get an 'are you ok' message next"
Yes, possibly, but just don't reply to a single message. When you get back, if she moans at you, tell her you were on holiday and not answering any messages. Repeat as many times as you have to.
You're not obliged to interrupt your holiday to be her personal therapist or counseller.

PitifulPrincess · 09/09/2022 12:47

I think in your situation I'd send a clear message saying I'm using this break to rest and disconnect, we can catch up when I'm home

Is it possible she's lonely? Does she have other children/friends/a partner?

Original poster

janeseymour78 · 09/09/2022 12:49

No @PitifulPrincess she was a single mum although I'm close with my dad and broke up with a partner years ago. I'm an only child. She was far too codependent

I think she is lonely but she has also been picking fights with me lately and is often quite unpleasant company. Given I said I needed a break her feelings don't trump mine - I feel she doesn't care for my boundary at all.

OP posts:

PitifulPrincess · 09/09/2022 12:53

That makes sense. The only person who can enforce your boundaries is you. She may react badly at first but muting her until you are home will enable you to enjoy your break and set foundations for a better relationship going forward. Good luck!

Mary46 · 09/09/2022 12:55

Op my mam used expect instant replies. I dont pander to it. I told her when we away I need a break from text messages and people

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/09/2022 12:59

I think it will escalate unless you send a clear text saying wifi is frustratingly unreliable here, no point in sending further messages. I will respond when I get back. and then mute. good luck.

Original poster

janeseymour78 · 09/09/2022 13:01

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff but that isn't the point is it? I've had a few suggestions to say the wifi is crap. That's a lie.

The point is I asked for space on holiday and she won't give it. I don't think I should need to make excuses. @Mary46 she isn't old so i feel I need to set the boundaries now or put up with this forever.

OP posts:

Mary46 · 09/09/2022 13:07

Yes mine is 80. It gets no easier. I got a nasty reply "you didnt reply to my text". Its a control thing with them. Hard going at times..

justaladyLOL · 09/09/2022 13:16

Tell her you struggle to get a signal where you are so may not be able to reply

ICanHideButICantRun · 09/09/2022 13:21

Make sure WhatsApp hides when you were last online, then just message her to say you're having a break from your phone while you're away.

Fraaahnces · 09/09/2022 13:29

Mute her… think very carefully if you want to unmute her when you get home. You may wish to make it a permanent thing.

Original poster

janeseymour78 · 09/09/2022 13:34

Fraaahnces · 09/09/2022 13:29

Mute her… think very carefully if you want to unmute her when you get home. You may wish to make it a permanent thing.

That would break her heart, so although I'd like to put more distance between us I couldn't do that. But I need to be firm with my boundaries. It can be quite hard.

@ICanHideButICantRun I've actually already done this because of her 2 years ago. She confronted me about it, saying I was a selfish daughter etc. I stopped speaking to her for about a week then got a 'sorry' parcel through the door.

OP posts:

Randommother · 09/09/2022 13:46

Just tell her you need a break, and won’t be checking messages until you’re home, then mute her. It’s not a lie and you’re clear to ignore her until your back so you get the break you need.

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