How do YOU show affection?

[SaharaSahara]

DH made a comment and it’s been on my mind ever since, he said I’m not affectionate to him nor the kids. It’s hit me hard because and may be true.

Kids - I thought I was showing affection by taking them on days out, buying them treats, always stocking up on their favourite snacks, cooking their favourite foods.

DH - Serving him breakfast in bed, leaving his meals in the fridge if I was going out for the day, making sure the kids were sorted before I went out if he was babysitting, making his favourite foods. Basically helping make his life easier in many little ways.

Reading this all back it seems a lot of my affection was shown through acts rather than physically. It just makes me so sad that because I’m not a cuddly person, or because I don’t plant kisses all over my family it means I’ve come across as not cold. Now I’m wondering if my kids think the same about me…

If you are like me, how do you show affection?

Just to add, I used to be physically affectionate but since having more children I’ve become different, could be post natal depression or could just be exhaustion. My priority is keeping the home ticking over nicely and keeping everyone fed and clean. I’m not really emotionally available, I feel like a robot.

As someone whose kids are in their teens and 20’s I’d say take every opportunity to kiss and cuddle your kids. Always send them to bed with a kiss. Very soon they won’t let you.

Does your dh really only babysit his own children? There’s your problem. Forget his gaslighting.

@Definitelymabel I’d say I do more for them as he works and I don’t. I’ve always took more of the load on naturally. He wasn’t gaslighting me, he made an observation and it has stuck with me because I know deep down it’s true.

@KangarooKenny I wish I was more of a kisser and cuddler but it just doesn’t happen organically. I could make a conscious effort though.

I know exactly how you feel. Some days I’m so busy keeping the show on the wheels and sorting everything that I just find im too tired and forget about everything else like affection. I think tonight I’ll get into bed with my youngest when I do her story and spend some time cuddling her once we’ve finished.

@Fluffruff That sounds lovely, I find at bedtime I just want the kids to go off to their respective beds and leave me alone. How sad is that..

I show the kids physical affection because I think they aren't old enough to appreciate affection can be shown in other ways as in your example but mainly im just drawn to it because they are my babies 😊

DP on the other hand, I'm the same as you. I don't feel that same need to hug/kiss etc. and id find it a bit needy if he ever commented on it. Plus, I'm peri menopausal so IMO its a show of affection that I don't kick him in the balls when he pisses me off 😆

Do you tell them that you love them? If you're not naturally touchy feely, you can still tell them you love them, that they're precious etc.

@Megifer DH feels closer to me with physical affection whereas I would be happy with a cup of tea and some cake. We’re all so different, it comes down to love languages doesn’t it.

@user1474315215 yeah every night but does it hold much weight I’m not sure

Rarely hug my DP since having child. We do kiss when coming or going from house and good night kiss….they’re often more like pecks rather than an a full affectionate heavy kiss (trying to avoid the word snog coz I hate it haha).
id say breakfast or tea in bed is affection. Or running a bath for him.

Could you be a bit more spontaneous with telling them? I can see that every night might seem like a bit of a routine cliche, but just tell them sometimes when they do something kind or funny - make it more impromptu?

Hugs, kisses, telling them I love and are proud of them. As well as all the practical stuff. My mum has been emotionally unavailable for my whole life (thankfully my dad is the opposite) and I’m very conscious of how that made me feel and not to repeat it. She recently had a big birthday and I wanted so badly to hug her but she refused.

I'm single but am very affectionate with dc. I grew up without affection from certain family members. I'm naturally affectionate but also have that lack of affection in my head. I want my dc to know they are loved.

I've never told my 18 month old that I love her.... Doesn't come naturally. But lots of kisses and cuddles.
My partner brings me a cup of tea every morning, but is rarely physically romantic. We're all different.
I think all the things you're doing demonstrate affection and how much you're thinking of them. And better for it to be genuine rather than forced

i'm a physically affectionate person, but i also do it in helping out/looking after them.

My kids are 13 and 16 and i still regularly hug them, kiss cheeks, rub backs, ruffle hair..etc, i also tell them both regularly that i love them... if they didn't want me too i'd stop, but they both still want them, especially at bed time.. a quick hug/kiss to the cheek is still part of the bedtime thing!