8 year old girls/ meanness/ when to change schools?

[waterrat]

My 8 year old (on the autistic spectrum and one of the youngest in year 4) - started a new school last term and has really struggled to fit in. Her class is boy heavy and out of the 9 girls about 3 or 4 have already told her to stop following them/ go and find someone else to play with.

She hasn't yet 'clicked' with anyone really - some days are good but often she comes out hunched and sad and anxious. At her old school she was happy and had plenty of friends.

The school have been very supportive - it's a small school and the pastoral/inclusion support is excellent.

I feel tortured by her ongoing problems - I don't know if I should leave here there - keep trying with playdates (have had some success with a couple of girls but she still gets left out at school when bossier children take over) - the school is lovely, the staff are very caring, they intervene, she goes to a 'friendship ' circle which she loves and does activities that help her get on with other children.

But It just breaks my heart that she is not quite fitting in and hasn't found a 'friend' - is a term too short for me to judge this? I am frantically looking at other schools - wondering if she should move.

How long do I leave it? Another half a term? although she is autistic and has a very 'serious' face on her - and can look very worried and anxoius - she is a really social child and had plenty of friends in her last school.

sorry, long pained ramble - how long until I know she is / is not going to settle here.

Take her out. The key thing that holds it all together is friendship no matter how good the pastoral care is.
Can she go back to where her friends are?

Thank you for commenting. I will definitely take her out if it continues but the change was huge for her and im aware she needs to be given reasonable time to see if it settles. We have moved cities so no she cant return.....

You are right though...good pastoral care cant create friendships the senco even said that to me...

I think 9 girls is too small a circle to not have friendship issues. They'll be all constantly falling out by year 6. She needs a larger cohort so that she can find her group.

What does an average day look like? Does she have people she can play with and have lunch with?

Have a look round some other schools?
Small schools can be trickier with friendship groups. In bigger schools you might have the option of switching forms to try and find the right mix.
I'd give it a little longer as she's still the 'new girl' but I wouldn't risk her being unhappy if it continues. Maybe take the next half term to consider other options?

Is it a single form school or are there other girls in other classes who are potential friends? If multiple form, do the classes get mixed up at any point? do they have any lessons all together or in mixed form groups?

Unfortunately it’s an awkward time to join if the friendship groups are already formed. This could be the case at any school to some extent, it’s luck of the draw how fixed the groups are, but would possibly be easier in a school with a larger year group and more girls.

However this is also the sort of age where the social issues can start to show for girls with ASD, as social interactions get more complex.

It sounds like the school is doing lots of good things which she might not get elsewhere so for this reason, and because she may have the same issues in another school anyway, I’d not be in a hurry to move her. Do keep trying with playdates, assuming your DD enjoys them. I find them tortuous personally but they do seem to help on the social front.

Do you have the option of another school?

Only 9 girls is a very small friendship pool, particularly as friendships have already been formed and clearly some of the 9 are not welcoming.

My daughter with ASD would not have done well in such a small school. It's only now she's in a large secondary school that there's enough children there for her to find a group she clicks with.

If changing to a 2 or 3 from entry Primary is an option I'd do that.

I have no advice but your post really resonated with me. I also have an 8 year old DD on the autistic spectrum who has a late Aug birthday and struggles to fit in.
I hope you find a solution for your DD.

I am quite sensitive to hearing about other kids being unkind to my dd. However, from what you are describing the other girls aren't unkind as such, they just haven't gelled with your dd yet.

If you are happy with her academic progress and willing to network with the other mums to arrange playdates or help out with the PTA your dd's situation is likely to change quickly. It's also a learning opportunity to handle not always being with a group of other girls. The bossy girls are just girls, it sounds a bit unkind and sexist TBH. Boys are never referred to as bossy just confident.

Would your dd consider playing with the boys and join in lunchtime clubs?

I’d struggle to find friends if there were only 9 people to choose from! Any chance of buddying up with a few boys?

I’d look for another school - two, three or four form entry so there’s ample choice on the playground and classes are re-mixed each year.

Agree jumping from school to school isn’t ideal, but she three years of feeling left out would be awful at that age. Time goes so slowly, and that awful pit-of-your-stomach feeling when you go into the playground in the morning and there’s no friendly face, no one invites you to eat lunch with them, no one wants to come to your birthday tea, no one wants a play date, no one wants to walk to school with you in Y6… it’s just too sad.

Also: clubs outside school to practise friendship skills and find someone with something in common. Those out of school friendships can endure - I still have one 35 years later!