3 days into school going back and im already feeling anxious about the school gate parents

[Lichensclerosus]

Looking for advice mainly please-Its been 3 days since school has returned for my children and I already feel very anxious at the school gates. People(parents) I know and talk to often outside of school they just ignore you they don't say hello theres just nothing I make eye contact and smile and speak to them but get nothing back, drop off isn't too bad you can just drop and go- pick up is the worst as I have to wait a few minutes before my eldest comes out so your all cooped up in a little playground and no one talks i find it very upsetting and awkward, literally yesterday a neighbour on my road who I speak to regularly and even walk with sometimes was stood next to me she didn't even acknowledge I was next to her maybe she didn't notice but I just find it very hard my anxiety is kicking back in already!

I sware our school is the worst in the town we have some absolutely snobby stuck up rude parent groups
I need some advice how to get over my anxiousness do you struggle with the school run parents ?

I used to take a book, sit on a bench and read. If I were you, I would locate a quiet corner and just don't engage.

Stop trying is my advice. You don't want people who are not friendly anyway so you are wasting your effort.

I think you have to just accept it and not go to the playground expecting nice chats with other people.

Prepare yourself mentally for that en route: “I will drop DC off at school, I won’t talk to anyone unless they talk to me, then I will get on my way.”
Similar mantra at pick up time.

Set your expectations - at the moment they’re unrealistic.

Some good advice there. Or listen to something on your phone with headphones.

Did you say anything to your neighbour? Maybe she thought you were ignoring her!!

I’d look at some professional help to manage anxiety, even CBT would probably help (or talk to the person currently helping you).

It’s fine to not engage or talk but if by day three it’s impacting you to a level of you thinking about it after the event it’s fine to get some support.

I have a similar problem. My dc was an in-year transfer so groups had already formed etc when we started this school.

Good advice here. about managing your expectations and your feelings here, which is all you can do really.

I just wanted to add and acknowledge that it really sucks. It's hard!

If anyone can explain the reasoning of ppl like that, blanking you when all you're looking for is a quick 'hi', may be it will be easier to deal with/ empathise with them.

If anyone can explain the reasoning of ppl like that, blanking you when all you're looking for is a quick 'hi', may be it will be easier to deal with/ empathise with them.

Did the OP say hi to the neighbour and the neighbour blanked them? Or did the OP ignore the neighbour by not saying anything?

If you’re looking for a quick ‘hi’ then say it. Don’t expect others to be the first to speak.

I know what you mean. As an Irish person living in England I find it strange to be 12 inches from someone I've seen every day for 2 years and chatted to occasionally, without saying "Hi, how are you". That would make you a huge arsehole where I come from, and it took a while to accept that it is different here.

But I will tell you something - I have learned to LOVE it. I still say hi and chat to the friendly ones, but if I turn up to teatime club and there are two class parents there who never give me the time of day, I don't feel awkward at all. I just stand there enjoying the fact that there is no social contract binding me to acknowledge their existence at all.

So my advice is, make the most of it. Keep being pleasant until you find out who is friendly, then blank the rest. Unless you're bored, in which case give your neighbour a poke in the arm and say "Hi Neighbour! How are you!".

I have always talked to people but did find the conversation very superficial and uncomfortable, with my job now I do not ever see the other parents as she goes to breakfast club etc.

I also fell out with my DD best friends mother as she is a gossip and has a mean streak so I don't want to see her either. All I think is 3 more years and I never have to interact again. My friend has made some good friends from the school yard but yeah my daughters school is quite snobby too.

It's normal where I am too!
I think most parents are often zoned into getting their child to and from school without having to converse with anyone.
There are established friendship groups which tend to be cliquish so I just smile say hi to the friendly ones and not worry about starting conversations

This is what OP said:

"I make eye contact and smile and speak to them but get nothing back"

Some of us are ignored, not replied to, people looking away as to avoid eye contact even if you're staring at them with a big smile, pretending not to hear your 'hello'.

Im extroverted. I initiate conversations with everybody. But I'm not getting anywhere in my new town. I keep trying for dc's sake as I want them to have play dates etc but also not impose on people.
Here for all the advice.

I used to go to play dates with some of the parents and I have tried since she was in reception, we have been going to all the kids parties for 5 years and I do not feel any closer to any of them it is quite odd. I have just thought recently sod it, I have removed myself from the class wattsapp group.

The kids parties tend to wind down now and I am not bothering anymore. The mothers are starting to fall out because the girls are now forming new friends and others are being left out. I don't want any part of it and if my child tells me of being upset about anything at the school I will go directly to the school to let them deal with it.

Same here, I find it very hard. Now I just drop & collect. I've tried so hard over the years only to be blanked & I'm obviously deemed not important enough to make an effort with. The falling over some parents do about others is hilarious.
I've learned to rise above it & as another poster said I'm glad I'm not wasting my time & effort on superficial interactions anymore.

Yes it's such weird behaviour, I really don't get it and find it so rude!

I'm very petty I'm afraid,
I play mind games with people who ignore me, I find it very entertaining.

I was there to drop off and pick up. No interest in socialising although I got to know a few parents I had other things in common with and chatted to them if they were around.

It's hard OP but as someone else said, take a book or be busy on your phone.

The cliques in our school are unreal.. It's the same in dc's activity (very competitive) & the parents of the kids in the clique shout on & support each others then ignore others kids blatantly even though they're part of the same team.. Terrible behaviour & the kids notice.

I used to feel like this when my older children were younger (and I was a young mum).
One of my children has a disability and I used to feel quite isolated and longed to be a part of the group. I just didn't know how to approach them and felt like I would be invading their personal space.

By the time my 4th child reached primary school age I just didn't think about it.
I used to take a book with me at pick up time and lose myself in that.

What mattered a lot to me in my 20's seems insignificant to me now I'm in my 40's. I sometimes wish I could go back and tell my younger self not to let it get me down.

It's different for everyone but the friends I have now were not made at the school gate. I didn't keep in touch with any of them.

I’m an introvert by nature and have no interest in forging even the most superficial of relationships with other school parents. It takes enough out of me having to do it at work where it actually matters.

I don’t make intentional eye contact with other parents at drop off/collection, but if it happens incidentally and they say “Hi” first then I won’t be rude, so I’ll at least say it back. But I’ll then move along/stand away from them to make it clear I don’t wish to continue the conversation.

I suppose the takeaway OP, is that everyone has their own issues. You’re anxious about them not speaking to you, but some of those other parents might also be like me and have their own reasons for not wanting to speak to you. It’s a choice to let it get to you.

I read your post from over a year ago because I suffer from a similar situation every time I pick my child up from school, parties or anything with other parents. I find all their chatter so off-putting it almost makes me angry and resentful. But I today tried a brief 'hi guys' and got very little back. The reason for that is I probably didn't really put much into greeting them before legging it!
You've got to try and engage though, as copping out with headphones or a book won't help for next time. I loathe these situations and that probably shows but next time take some deep breaths, try and engage with one parent at first, ideally one whose name you remember and take it step by step. One last thing, 90% of this is down to you as like minded parents will never conspire to ignore you as in the REAL playground!

I made friends at the school gate and am good friends with two of the Mums still 17 years onwards. But we had things in common, I still say hi to others and have the odd chat in the street as well. This is a smallish town near the Peak District and quite a deprived area overall.

The school was very friendly and quite small.

Im someone that’s happy to speak first, the neighbour issue, well she may not have noticed you at all. I would have just said hello. Your overthinking is giving you anguish.

I'm always pressed for time & I'm happier without unnecessary small talk. I appreciate that everyone is different though & that some people like a chat; just offering another perspective.

Not sure why my not speaking to someone at a school gate would make anyone anxious though - do you suffer from anxiety generally or just in this scenario? Could you try treating it like other situations where talking is perhaps not the done thing, eg Dr's waiting rooms?

Im glad to hear it's not just me. My game plan is to gradually speak to more people or just one person for longer every day. I've e got 2 more days this week. Now ive admitted i struggle on here and to myself it seems a lot easier.