DF told me he shot his dog

[DickDarstedly]

I have just been visiting DF (90) in his care home. We were talking about the various pets we have had over the years. He said he had had a dog as a child and that he had shot it dead because it had been badly behaved. I said that is awful and asked if he was sad he had done it, I also asked what his parents had said about it. His response was to repeat that the dog was annoying, as if that explained everything.

I have never heard this story before and DF does have dementia, earlier in in the visit he told me his father had just died (he died 30 years ago). It’s just possible he is ‘remembering’ something he heard about or saw in a film. The thing is though, he has always lacked empathy and so I am inclined to think it is true.

I am still travelling home and don’t have anyone to share this with until I get back. I’d like to make sense of it. For context, DF has done many things over the years which show that he has no empathy or conscience, but I have tended to make excuses for him. But now I am wondering if I have been a bit naive. I know life was different in the 1940s/50s but to me this is sociopathic and it really changes how I think about him.

How would you feel if you heard this from a parent?

however, if they had dementia I'd actively chose to think it's a mis memory.

I agree with this.
It's most likely to be either untrue or much more complex than it sounds. It may be a very difficult complicated tale that he's only remembering snatches of.
I think dwelling on it and building a narrative about your father based on this story will only cause you distress.

Pinch of salt. My dad was the most gentle, prudish, devoted to mum, loving human being. He lived for her and us, was a modern man of his times and felt every pain of someone else.

in his dementia years he talked about my mums affairs with various local men, how he saw them coming into the house and all said with total conviction whilst mum was sat there. It was absolutely ludicrous. He also talked about him having being a man about town and one for the ladies. Also couldn’t be further from the truth.

don’t believe it.

It was considered normal and humane to shoot a dog, rather than let it suffer. There is a Kipling poem from a dog’s point of view, which asks that an owner does this when the dog gets old and sick - “grant me a quick release”. Not all the drugs we now use to PTS were available, so having vet euthanasia wasn’t as gentle an option as now.

So I wouldn’t think badly of your FIL for shooting a dog if it needed to be PTS. I guess you’ll never know the exact circumstances.

I know a person who said they'd raped someone. She was an 80 odd year old lady and had heard the story on the radio whilst in hospital, she was petrified the police were coming after her. Dementia is so cruel.

I understand why this has shaken you OP. Avoiding cruelty to animals is an absolute non-negotiable in my life.

I’m not sure you’re ever going to get to the bottom of how true this is. It sounds plausible but for example perhaps the dog was more than ‘annoying’ - what if it was thought to be a danger to children for example. Times were different then and that doesn’t make it right but it does colour our judgement. For example I hope one day we look back on the way we treat factory farmed pigs (also very bright animals) with horror. However I would take a little solace that if this is true then the fact that he’s bringing it up now is because it’s playing on his mind. even if he shows no remorse at all that could be a way he’s justifying it to himself.

If done skilfully shooting a dog is no less humane than putting it to sleep.

And it was a different time back then.

But when I was a child a friends child was badly disfigured by their friend’s dog, the father took it out that night and shot it.

OP my dad is in the fairly early stages of dementia and has become pretty nasty. Some of the things he’s now doing are more extreme versions of who he always was eg he’s always been tactless and quick to anger. So I think I understand what it’s like to see ‘dementia’ behaviour and wonder if it’s actually their true character, or to look back at the person you knew in a new light. What seems to be coming through strongly on the thread is that people work dementia say unpredictable and often distressing things, many of which clearly aren’t true. I think the advice to try and put it to one side is good.

People with dementia sorry. Hope you find some peace with it

Maybe he confused his life with the movie, Old Yeller.

Err some do! My grandmother would come out with all sorts of crazy things "memories" of the past that just didn't happen etc.

Dementia affects people differently, and it can do some weird stuff to their brains.

OP, take what he said with a pinch of salt.

My mum used to tell me all about the leopard that lived in the tree outside her window, so I'd not take it as gospel. She would also talk about the past but with heaps of events that simply never happened.

I have found your declaration to be offensive.

Whilst it maybe true with your mum it is not true of all dementia suffers.

Op, it maybe true, partly true, or untrue, dementia is a cruel illness, for both the sufferer and those that care. Leave your opinions on him from how you knew him before, you already know his character flaws, judge him on them not on what he says now.

My dm recently passed away and she told me lots of stories that weren’t true. I’d take it with a pinch of salt too. Maybe his own df shot a dog or he heard the story from somewhere. I bet he couldn’t describe what it looked like and it’d change colour, breed and sex if you ask him.

Maybe he did shoot it because it was annoying, annoying because it kept biting people/killing chickens. Annoyingly ill, etc.

I'd understand being shocked if he'd said he'd shot a person but not a dog. Sometimes they need putting down - would you have preferred it to be kicked to death or something?

And some of the replies here are OTT. Never visiting him again, really?

Always find it so strange that people would get so upset about a dog being shot (quick, fairly painless) yet carry on eating animals that have been killed in various ways, some less kindly. Weird world we live in

It’s not a nice thing to think about but it doesn’t really change anything. It was a long time ago, the past is a foreign country and all that. It sounds like there are quite a few things that have made your relationship difficult, maybe this is another thing that goes in the box with all the rest of them, maybe it isn’t. You’ll never know for sure so probably best to form your opinion on him based on your vast experience of years of life knowing him and the things you know to be true. From your post I’m not sure the outcome is much different either way.

Sorry but In that time a lot of things were considered okay.

It was common for lads to have air rifles then, wouldn't have been unusual. It's be inclined to believe him. Attitudes at the time, and his personality means it is hardly unlikely.
But you will never know for sure, so will have to put it out of mind and carry on. Hard though because you can't unhear that.
Maybe if you can get someone to talk to about your father and your relationship with him generally, it might be easier to compartmentalise this anecdote if you can see him for what he actually is and still accept your role as daughter and just do what you believe you should do in that role.

I recently started suspecting early dementia signs in my mum (turned out to be a UTI) but one main theme was her telling me stories or 'facts' I knew not to be true.

You'll never know and as other have said it was different times the dog would have likely not suffered if it was killed. And he never told you to save your feelings. If he truly had no empathy and it was true you'd have heard this anecdote many times over the years but you haven't so try to pretend you never heard it as wasn't meant for your ears or never happened.

Choose your battles they say.

My mum used to tell me she had a much loved cat as a child , it would sleep with her on her bed.
But she also told me , my grandmother would drown kittens that were born by putting them in a bucket and placing a plate on top of the water.
These days , she would be reported and banned for keeping animals , but back then , it was acceptable .
The awful thing is that is 100% true as not told when dementia would would cloud a memory.

my father in his 50s used to tell me stories about him and my uncle cutting the barrels of air rifles and shooting well i cant really remember what and that hed get into trouble with the police and his dad would leather him, maybe it was something teenagers or whatever did back in the day i dont know

I live very rurally and remotely. If an animal “goes down”, you have to make the call - do you phone the vet who will take AT LEAST 2 hours to arrive - or, do you discretely call a farmer to do the job?

I prefer to deal with the situation as quickly and humanely as possible.

Unfortunately dogs get shot all the time on farms and estates. A neighbour of ours took one in because it wasn't going to be any good as a working dog (nothing wrong with it as such, just not up to standard) and would have been shot.
I wouldn't say he was sociopathic based on just this (but you know much more) but he doesn't sound like a very nice man.

I really appreciate all your responses and some of them are very wise and comforting. I have been caring for my dad alone for several years because nobody in the family wanted to have anything to do with him. Now he is in a care home I am trying to get a perspective on our relationship but I think it’s true that this incident with the dog is best forgotten.

I was seeing a therapist but can’t afford it now. Your responses have been so helpful.