Upset at losing my mum's phone number

[pissedoffthismorning]

My mum's in a nursing home, probably won't live past another year . She doesn't recognise me anymore, she can't speak much at all now .

She had a mobile and iPad etc, between family we have agreed to cancel them and in all honesty the logical part of me understands why and agrees, she can't be paying money for a phone contract that she isn't using . It's cancelled and no longer an active number and I know thats the most sensible decision .

But the other part of my brain is hurting so much, all I want to do is call my mum and have her answer and I know she can't - but its hurting knowing I can't call her at all now because her number no longer exists . I haven't got many text messages saved on my phone, she stopped texting back about three years ago - I haven't got many recordings of her voice at all before she took dementia . I don't know what I'd be hoping by keeping her mobile number . In all honesty it probably wouldn't have fixed anything dialling a number that no-one would answer . It just all feels like lots of small, but very real losses, one after the other .

Has anyone ever had this before? I don't even know if I should delete her contact details off my phone altogether, it's a painful reminder when I'm trying to find phone numbers .

I still have my Mum's number in my phone. I also have several friends numbers who have also died.
I just can't bring myself to delete them so I know how you are feeling.

That's just so unbelievably sad for you and I know what you mean - its the finality, the Never Again, of it that is so hard.

Honestly, I'd delete her from your contacts if you can find the strength then at least you won't get the constant unexpected reminders.

Cling to the memories of the good times.

I am so sorry for you.
It's awful and very sad.
Do you have nice photos? Old letters or emails from her?
I can't remember my mum's voice. It's very painful. But it's gone.
I wish you strength.

Oof I don't have anything helpful to say but know what you mean. My best friend died and I couldn't face deleting her on facebook. A couple of times facebook helpfully suggested "you haven't spoken to your friend X in a while"... Yup thanks I know!

I’ve got a few cards from her yes, I just wish I could hear her voice . I need her to tell me it’ll be OK, that she loved me and that I did my best, but she can’t . I desperately want to apologise to her as before she went into the home I snapped at her a couple of times because I couldn’t cope . I want her to tell me it’s OK . It’s so hard . I miss everything about her so desperately .

I’m getting that too … not with Facebook but getting messages asking if I want to share photos with mum , yes I do, but I can’t anymore . I think I will probably delete her number .

I wish I’d known she would end up not able to talk and I’d have recorded more of her speech but I didn’t know .

Do what feels best don't feel compelled to delete it just because it's no longer in use. Also if you have photos make sure to back them up in more than one place, I lost a lot not doing that.
💐
My gran brought me up and I still have her phone number in my phone, its been over 10 years, sometimes I ring it in the middle of the night hoping to hear her voice one last time but just get the number is not in use thing 😢

I'm so sorry re what you are dealing with now and what you are facing in the future. I lost my mum earlier this year. The house phone (she didn't have a mobile) has been disconnected, but I still have her number on my mobile.

For me, whilever I don't call it, she is still there. So I sometimes just sit and look at the actual number next to the word MUM, there in my phone, as it gives me the solace I need by the memories it provokes. .

I'm guessing that before your mum got dementia she did tell you that she loved you? If she did then, then she will now with no forgiveness needed. She wrote cards to you, so you still have her handwriting too? If, like me re my mum, you will still remember her voice, her laugh, forever more?

Hold onto what you do have of your mum, not what you have lost.

I’m so sorry for you. This isn’t something I’ve ever thought about but I can imagine it must be very hard. Be kind to yourself

I still have my parents' numbers in my phone although my Dad died many over 15 years ago. Like PPs I can't bring myself to delete them.

I completely get it. DH died in February and I can't bring myself to cancel his phone number because then he really ceases to exist.

I completely understand @pissedoffthismorning. In fact, we still own my mum’s house and we need to renegotiate the broadband contract. I’ve been told they can give us an enhanced package that will mean losing the landline…but I don’t want to lose it, because that’s Mum’s number. It’s in my phone under her name and it’s always been our number.

So I get it too.

My late DPs number was assigned to someone else... I found out accidentally by scrolling through my WA conversations.... DP's conversation had a ladies photo next to it... 😔 😔

My mum died a few years ago. I still have her number on my phone and the text messages she sent me.
Her account is still live on Facebook too and I still pop on to it every so often. Silly, but you have to do what helps you to deal with what you’re going through - what other people may or may not think doesn’t matter.

Thank you, I feel silly for getting so upset but it just feels so final yes . And knowing now that I can’t contact her at all sort of . I used to ring her every night before bed and first thing in then morning, and now I’m limited to calling the nursing home to check if she’s OK and when we visit her . I would love to just chat to her .

Family have her phone (I live further away) and they’re going to try to get what they can off it onto iCloud . I don’t think there’s anything particularly important on it that I don’t already have a copy of thankfully .

I’ve never missed anyone like it, I don’t even want to cry most of the time, just feel empty .

I felt sikialr with my grandmother when she died, she would still answer her phone with ‘city, 123456, Mrs X speaking’ (in the manner as hyacinth bucket!) and haven’t yet deleted her phone number, even though I know it by heart and will never forget it .

Its just harder with my mum because I go to dial her number so often, even today with the queen my immediate thoughts were, I must ring mum, she’ll be glued to the news, before remembering.

I understand. I have only in past couple of months deleted my dad's number from my phone and he died 10 years ago. But I am in a similar position with my mum in a care home. She has "stock phrases" but no real engagement with what is going on. Every time I say goodbye (she is in a care home) I kiss her and say "I love you mum, see you soon" but she doesn't respond. I miss her so much.

I still have my late Nans number in my phone.

Regards your mums dementia, when you visit or other relatives/ friends visit her even if she doesn't know you or them she will experience the emotions you convey towards her such as empathy, warmth, compassion & reassurance; these feelings will stay with her longer than a memory of you & help her stay calm and feel loved.

This is what a dementia nurse specialist told me at work and it has helped me cope as three of my grandparents had dementia.