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Original poster

Ex trying to frame me after his abuse, please help

14 replies

Reppah · 08/09/2022 09:18

I didn’t know where to post. Basically a year ago, I posted on mumsnrt about awful treatment from dp. Nothing physical but from what I posted all posters said the behaviour was at best unkind and at worst abusive.

i was pregnant at the time and very scared for the baby as I was so stressed. I have a lot of medical records with midwives where I think these issues were noted - at least I hope so as I feel I might need them now. There was one instance early in pregnancy where a neighbour called police as they heard him and he was arrested. I didn’t make a statement in the end as I felt it was an argument that got out of hand and although he snatched my phone nothing too bad happened.

a couple of months later he was done for drink driving. Alongside all of this he was really quite nasty to me and I would often text him awful stuff when he was at work as I just felt so hurt by him. Alongside this though I did try my best to get him help and begged him to talk to family and friends etc. Tried to book a holiday etc

anyway we broke up in my last trimester and I spent literally 8 weeks begging him to talk, to be a family, saying I was sorry, saying could we at least talk about the baby and make plans for them if we stay separated. He has all this in texts etc.

I didn’t hear from him after having dc and I decided to stay away as I couldn’t cope with it all and realised actually how nasty he was.

he’s recently got in touch wanting to talk as I made a claim to cms and he wants to talk about arrangements between us. He’s said I was mental in the relationship and that ‘I must know I was in the wrong as I spent two months wanting him back.’ He’s said he is tempted to take my texts to the police as I was so nasty to him (the nasty texts not the later ones begging to speak).

I feel so confused as at the time I did wonder if I was in the wrong but obviously now I have reflected I know what he was doing wasn’t right. But he has all these begging messages so who will believe that I was scared and worried around him? Basically nobody will they. So if he goes to police I will look like the nasty one and I will look so unhinged. I’m so stressed. Sorry for rambling have a 9 month old trying to grab phone. Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Reppah · 08/09/2022 09:37

Anyone?

OP posts:
MessyBunPersonified · 08/09/2022 09:42

He isn't going to go to the police with messages from months ago. It's all he has for leverage to get you to stop the CMS claim. These men are all the same.

Block him on everything. Only have contact through official channels. Continue with the claim.

cherrysthename · 08/09/2022 09:43

He won't go to the police. The relationship did sound very toxic so either: tell him you won't get drawn into further conversations and make a plan for maintenance then ignore him. Or ignore him and hope CMS comes through for you.
CMS do ask parents to draw up a plan between themselves, also they are known for not obtaining any money, or very rarely. So I'd be tempted to try for a civil short chat to ascertain an amount and date for bank transfer and then ignore him thereafter.

girlmom21 · 08/09/2022 09:44

I'd agree to talk about the baby but not the past. Do it all via text or email.

Original poster
Reppah · 08/09/2022 09:54

I just think if he goes to police it will look like I was in the wrong as I was chasing the relationship at the end of pregnancy.

CMS said the claim was simple as he’s employed…

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 08/09/2022 09:57

Reppah · 08/09/2022 09:54

I just think if he goes to police it will look like I was in the wrong as I was chasing the relationship at the end of pregnancy.

CMS said the claim was simple as he’s employed…

That's not illegal

Hakunamatata91 · 08/09/2022 09:59

Even if you decided not to make a statement, the police will have a record they got called out that time and why, which would support what you're saying. Unless you were messaging him so much it could be deemed harassment, I can't see what he could complain about that the police would act on. If he did complain they would also come to you for your side of the story and then they will evaluate who is the victim, the fact he called wouldn't mean they automatically decide you're at fault rather than him.

cherrysthename · 08/09/2022 10:01

What does he think the police will do about that, exactly. Let him. Although I don't believe he will for one minute.

Re the CMS...before when they were known as the CSA, they were not fit for purpose. Just before they ceased to exist, they sent out a letter to 10s of thousands of women, me included telling them the thousands owed in unobtained earnings from fathers, was now written off. I haven't heard many successful stories since they became CMS. Men know they can simply declare themselves as self-employed, or simply not reply to letters or phone calls and therefore dodge payments. Not all men do. Your ex seems to have been frightened into action since hearing from them, so I would take his offer of payment before he starts up any cat and mouse games with CMS.

PeekAtYou · 08/09/2022 10:08

Just block and stop contacting him immediately.

Proceed with the CMS claim. If he wants to see the baby then he can get a Child Arrangement Order. Do everything formally so it's documented and official and you're not trapped in a "he said-she said" situation.

If the police contact you (I highly doubt it considering how under resourced they are ) then explain that you won't text him any more and you can show your phone with the messages. He wants to use the messages as a way to stop the CMS claim. Don't fall for that trick.

Viostep · 08/09/2022 10:10

I would message, nice try but you can't blackmail your way out of paying for your child. I have no interest in discussing anything with you that isn't regarding our child. Any other contact or further harassment will be ignored or forwarded to my solicitor.

He isn't going to go to the police over a few messages sent a year ago. I doubt they'd be interested and view it as retaliatory for putting a claim through for your child.

Just focus on your child and yourself OP. Don't worry about this waster.

WeAreTheHeroes · 08/09/2022 10:11

Try to take the emotion out of things, which will be difficult I have no doubt. There is no relationship between you, you are just trying to get what your child has a right to from his father. All you are interested in is the CMS claim going through.

Ignore everything else from this man and don't let him manipulate you into playing his games.

Whydothat · 08/09/2022 10:11

It was a very vulnerable time for you and of course you were emotional, scared. Accepting being a single parent is a huge thing to deal with, let alone right at the end of pregnancy. There is at least one independent witness statement that he was abusive to you. Do you have a third party so you don't need to deal with him at all? He won't go to the police and if he does 9 months on it the reason why is quite obvious.

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 09/09/2022 22:50

He’s using those texts to try and manipulate you to drop the CMS claim.
The police are overrun with more serious cases as opposed to him whinging about mean texts sent in an argument.
Dont let him control or manipulate you any further and as others have said, only contact him through the official channels.
He sounds like a horrible sod, he’s the psycho one not you, don’t allow him to treat or speak to you like that anymore.
You’re free from him, keep it that way x

fantasmasgoria1 · 10/09/2022 00:53

He's still managing to continue his abuse . He is very unlikely to go to the police with the texts if he really still has them. I would say ok then I will come with you and he will back down.

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