Snooping at your co parents house

[Grooooovy]

Okay so I guess this is sort of a TAAT but reading another sort of got me interested in what people think is the norm.

Do you think having children with an ex entitles you to know what their house looks like? To look around it at request? To peer in their windows when they aren't there (yes this is what the other thread was about and alarmingly so many people agreed they'd do this and it wasn't weird).

Imo unless you don't trust your ex to adequately house your children, it makes no difference if you know what the inside of their home looks like. Unless you're expecting to peer in and see a dungeon, what does seeing their kitchen or their living room achieve? I don't think the inside of an exes home is any of the other parents business providing there are no safe guarding concerns and unless you're invited in you shouldn't be forcing it / demanding / asking and DEFINITELY not purposefully peering through windows which surely makes anyone look unhinged.

And does it make any difference to your opinion if there is another person like a spouse or partner living there?

Surely they also get a say on whether or not they want an ex in their home.

I'm a lone parent but was a co parent for a bit when DC was young. I can't see myself wanting to do this!

There were so many people insisting it wasn't weird to go and peek in your exes windows when they weren't in because your children sleep there.

Somehow I can't imagine a man getting the same response if he posted an AIBU asking if it were reasonable for him to wait until his ex was at work and then go and peer in her windows.

Nope you have to trust your kids will tell you if the condition is bad over there

Nope it’s very weird. I have zero interest in my ex’s house. His set up is his business

For me it would depend on the age of my child. For a toddler then yes, I want to know the environment is safe and what it's like and what they'll be doing there. The same as I do at nursery and like to see the room and make sure they seem happy there. But for an older child I wouldn't be bothered, the same way I don't really need to see their classroom. They'd be old enough that they could tell me if anything was wrong.

I would ask permission though, I definitely wouldn't look through windows!

If you're not on the sort of terms where you can pop in at handovers and give updates about the DC over a quick coffee, then no you don't get to see the interior, other than what you see when the front door is opened.

Of course you don't go snooping, however sorely you feel tempted

But surely you can see the difference between a nursery and your child's other parent? They aren't a random babysitter you've hired. They are your child's father / mother and if you're that concerned that the environment they live in wouldn't be suitable then there are bigger issues.

And you'd then have to accept your ex also coming to vet your house too to make sure it's a suitable environment for his children.

Hmm see me I would want to know, don’t need to physically look but my ex was wanting to have contact with our 4 kids in his house that he has turned into a hmo! He is sleeping on the sofa and wanted our 4 kids to all sleep in a double bed in his room 😳 I had to tell him no this isn’t going to happen, he has 3 unknown men living there and he expected our mixed sex children to share a double bed 😣 and to answer your other question my ex has been in my house (not to inspect it) so he knows what it’s like. He is not having contact atm but if he was to in future I would want to know that he has a suitable set up now.

I responded to your other thread. I don't think it's weird to be curious. I don't think anyone has the 'right' to see another persons home but I'd be interested, probably not to the point of going round the outside and trying to see in, but I'd definitely glance if the light was on.
I walk my dogs at night and I do peer in front windows as I walk by - the houses are all the same Victorian terraces and I find how each person has decorated and changed the layout interesting.
I don't think there's anything more than curiosity and nosiness going on here. But if you object tell them that you would like them to stop (or as I suggested earlier, invite them in)!

You have a genuine reason though.

I'm talking just peeking for the sake of peeking and justifying it with 'well my kids sleep here'.

Unless you have a genuine concern (like you did), then what good does it do?

For example my home with my husband is just a normal house. No one's having 4 kids in a double bed or having random men live in there. The kids have their own rooms and are happy. There's no need for my husband's ex to snoop in my windows and I'd think she were a nutter if she did.

As it happens she's a normal woman who I get on with fine so she has been in our house, not because she's asked but just because naturally she'll come in from time to time. I don't think she's ever been upstairs to the kids rooms because she's had no need.

My ex goes out of his way to drive past my house every day on his way two and from work. If that wasn't bizarre enough we moved into temporary accommodation 6 months ago and he drives by where we live now, we move into the house we bought next week and I have every reason to believe he will go out of his way for the third time and drive by that house too. To make it even more weirder he has now started driving past my df work and into the car park which again is completely of route. We used to have 50/50 custody but he gave up his half last year to move in with his new girlfriend. He's seen half of his children 12 hours in the past 8 weeks and the older lot, the teenagers twice this year. We find it very creepy and have had to get him to sign an agreement to not come to the door of our new house when we move and to collect the children at a drop of point as last time he came to the house we are in now he was taking photos of the outside of it and looking in my car. Closer to Christmas we have decided to invite his parents over for a drink and exchange of gifts in hopes that they can reassure him the children are fine as he's refused to meet my partner (who I'm marrying in less than two weeks) or communicate with the children at all, if they message him he won't reply.
I find all this behaviour and anyone who does similar creepy.

It wasn't my thread, I just read it and replied to some posters.

I believe your suggestion was if the ex is curious enough to peer through their windows when they are at work then you should invite her in for a proper look. I don't agree with that personally.

I think walking past and glancing in people's windows is also very different to walking around someones house (from front to back) and purposefully staring through their windows. I mean it's obviously different isn't it?

Our step kids did a full on video tour of our house I was not pleased but hopefully it satisfied her curiosity. She even commented on my pricey candle so DH told her that yes I earned pretty decent money and could spend it however I wanted. She's awful though she comments on everything nice she knows about.

Ah I didn’t see the other thread, if I had no reason to be suspicious then no I wouldn’t expect to have a look in!

And I can see as a spouse or partner if the ex has been difficult in the past why you wouldn't want them in your home too which is a valid reason for them not to be. It isn't just the children's home.