Feeling insecure - am I ND, or just odd?

[Fiadh79]

I'm feeling a bit insecure at the moment! In work earlier today a few of my colleagues were laughing at me. I am pretty sure they like me and they weren't saying anything horrible at all. On a good day I figure it's me being sort of charming/endearing, and that people genuinely care about me and like me but find the things I say a bit strange. The thing is when I say these things I know they are going to laugh at me, I know it's seen as a strange thing to say. But these are people that I do like and I want to be honest. I don't talk like this to everyone.

A couple of years ago a friend (who has never laughed at me) suggested I might have ADHD. I was going through a particularly difficult time and we were talking about important stuff, this was said very kindly. It sort of rang true as I've never really felt like I fitted in. But when I look at the ADHD criteria they don't really fit.

I've had depression and anxiety since I was a teenager (diagnosed early 20s). I'm pretty stable now and life is good but I can't really shake it. I am also very easily overwhelmed, and feel tired a lot of the time. I struggle with organisational type things. I used to think I was super organised, but then a few years ago realised that I was trying to force myself to fit into the way I thought I should be, and I've sort of allowed myself to be chaotic since then.

I really struggle with making friends. People at work like me but I'm not sure how to turn that into a real friendship.

I had sort of

Oops. Sent too soon.

I had sort of dismissed the idea I might be neurodivergant in some way, but when I was just being myself and everyone was laughing at me I just felt what is wrong with me?

I don't think anythings wrong with you. Its horrible to laugh at others, that's on them not you.

Why do you not think you fit the description of ADHD? What you've said in your post sounds like it could be ADHD to me.

ADHD displays quite differently in girls women, who frequently don't display any difficulties until points of change in their lives. The earliest this tends to occur is at around 11 - give or take a year - which coincides with moving to secondary schools. Other notable points are when young women start university or leave university for the workforce.

Women are socially conditioned much more than men, we mask very well and we adapt much more naturally than men do. This means that the out dated understanding of adhd doesn't apply and we can go most of our lives without it being picked up.

Depression and anxiety are frequently co-morbid conditions, meaning that women are frequently noted to have struggled with both- often intermittently or consistently over their lives.

Look up adhd in women. Better Late Than Never is a great book and the ADDitude website is a brilliant resource.

I think adhd too possibly.

I was diagnosed at the age of 39,!after having similar types of struggles for all of my life. Mine was a little more severe though, i was disruptive at school and I had issues with my temper, still do a bit. My organisation is terrible, I get overwhelmed and tired so easily, I’ve suffered with depression and the feeling I don’t fit since high school. I managed to get a degree but never used it sadly

my ds has adhd and asd and my dd1 has asd too and I strongly suspect adhd too.

I wish that the medical profession were more clued up about adhd in women, it would save years of heartache for so many!

Thank you both so much! You are so kind!

Other things that make me think there is something there:

In my job I was much slower at doing the same tasks than many colleagues. Sometimes someone would do the first part but I wasn't ready for my bit when it was time, as I hadn't been able to go through my process of getting everything ready. I've been in my role several years now and it's only recently I've felt more able to work in the way others do, however I have also made mistakes recently that I never did before, due to not paying attention to detail.

I work in a large team where most of us have the same basic role, but many people also have additional responsibilities. I really struggle with understanding how this all works. And I don't understand the rules that aren't made explicit (eg, who is allowed to send out an email to the whole team if something is changing), which other people seem to pick up naturally.

I always did well in school, but when it came to university I really struggled with organisation and clutter, to the extent that forone exam I couldn't find any of my notes so revised from Wikipedia! Unsurprisingly I failed!

I am terrible for putting clothes in the washing machine and then forgetting to hang them out or just not getting round to it.

I used to really struggle in the morning with my routine. It felt like I was trying to avoid the demands, but punishing myself because I should be able to do it. Now I've vastly reduced the demands (eg I shower the night before) and I do ok.

Have tended to vary between being super late (in an old job I was often 2+ hours late), or very early.

As a teenager I had some stimming traits (hope I've put that right)

Areas where I don't fit the criteria are:

I don't really remember having difficulty with anything as a child (though I used to write very very slowly, my parents thought it was because I wanted perfect handwriting). I wasn't particularly happy though.

I don't feel like I struggle with focus, losing things, forgetfulness, restlessness or have trouble relaxing.

And I will look up those resources! Though I just did the little quiz on Additude and it said OCD and depression. I am fairly confident I don't have OCD! But those quizzes are always difficult! I feel like I'll answer differently tomorrow.

You say you don't struggle with forgetfulness but then you've also said that you forget to hang out your washing?

I have inattentive ADHD. I don't have trouble relaxing either and I'm not restless. I have very few hyperactive or impulsive traits.

I don't tend to lose things either but I do mislay things a lot! I don't lose things because I have lots of systems in place to stop me losing things. I get very upset if someone messes with my systems!

Most of my traits didn't become obvious until secondary school though. It wasn't until I had to organise myself that it became obvious that I struggled to do that. I can't recall much though but do have a few examples dryly before age 12 such as not being able to complete my homework diary. I found one....I would do the first few pages beautifully and perfectly, and then nothing!

Are you sure the reason you are slow at work isn't because you are getting distracted by other things? They might be work things like emails popping up?

@InattentiveADHD thank you so much for replying! That's helpful. And I wonder if there are more examples like the washing thing.

My job doesn't work like that. It's more like if I was a chef (I'm not, and really have no idea what being a chef is like) and a food order came in, I'd stop to consider what they've ordered, and check the recipe, and gather all the equipment required, even if I made it 20 mins before. And midway through I'll panic that I didn't check if they have allergies. And when I'm done I'll spend ages laying it out perfectly. And checking it's ok. Most of my colleagues can do these things automatically.

And by the way I'm quite proud of that analogy! Haha!

Umm that sounds quite ADHD if I get your drift. I still use a checklist at work as I can’t remember all the steps for something I have done many times before. There’s always a risk I might forget one or more.

I often have a panic that I’ve forgotten something important or I actually have forgotten and I’ll have to call back a client to adjust what I’d told them.

I spend a lot of time checking what I have done to mitigate the risk of errors because I’ve forgotten something.

So I do loads of extra hours because of having to use checklists etc as prompts rather than doing it off the top of my head, doing things in an arse about face order, having to check things multiple times for errors, and due to not being able to maintain focus/getting distracted.

I am definitely much slower than all of my colleagues.

Another thing that slows me down is doing anything to do with the organisational aspects of work takes me ages. So for example, planning my day, saving files, organising emails etc etc. It also takes a lot of brain power for me to do these things.

Do you find you have difficulty starting tasks, or finishing them when the interesting bits have ended (eg after I’ve answered an email I have to save it in a few places to reference it, that often takes me ages as I lose interest in the task and can’t get motivated to do those final pieces). I also get stuck a lot - usually at transitions. Stuck on the sofa unable to start something (whether I want to do it or not). I also get stuck in the car a lot if I drive to the supermarket but then can’t get out. Or I drive home from work and can’t get into the house. Any of that resonate?

@InattentiveADHD yes to all of that! Haha! I think that's what my issue was with my mornings. It was the transition into the day from asleep that I struggled with. Now my routine is so much less demanding it's a gentle transition to my working day so I find it better. And yes, in the evening I'll sit on the sofa (usually on mumsnet) for ages before bed, but once I go to bed I'm so happy to be there!

I would love a diagnosis of something (if there is, which is sounding more likely) not so much for medication, as I said on the whole my life is pretty good, though I wouldn't rule it out. But more maybe so I could say to work this is me, and maybe work out some strategies or something. Or see if my job isn't quite right for me and think about what would be better.

I think I'll get the book @GobbolinoTheWitchesCat mentioned above. Even if it's not ADHD it seems like there might be enough of an overlap that learning some of the strategies might help.

Good luck, op, and wish you all the best with your research!

Look up executive dysfunction while you're at it, will help explain that frustrating paralysis in the face of tasks.

Also...are you a night owl? It's pretty common for women with adhd to be owls rather than larks and to really struggle with waking up in the morning.

Yes, I will look up all of that. Unfortunately paying to see someone privately isn't an option, and it looks like on the NHS will take ages. But some research will benefit.

I always did struggle with waking up in the morning, or maybe more with getting to sleep at a sensible time. In the past couple of years though I've been a lot more better about getting to sleep earlier - mostly the influence of my wife who is more balanced, and leaving all technology downstairs overnight.

Oops, that was meant for @GobbolinoTheWitchesCat thank you so much!

I'm another one saying it does sound a bit like ADHD. I have it - diagnosed at 45. Before that lots of issues with anxiety and lost time spent looking for stuff and berating myself for the same things tripping me up over and over. Often depression and anxiety are down to living with undiagnosed ADHD. And treatment for them works may only work to a limited degree because the underlying issue remains untreated.

Not forgetting the endless wondering why I seemed incapable of doing stuff that other people found simple to do.

It might be worth looking into it. And as a PP said even if not ADHD some of the coping strategies might be useful.

@Smartstuffed thank you for responding. The more I think of it the more I think it's likely I have ADHD. I've just been pondering things over the past few months. I definitely think it may go some way to explaining my mental health issues as well.

And the wondering why I can't do things that other people find easy is definitely something I can relate to!

Watching with interest as I think I have the hyper active type.
I can do a million things at once in a chaotic way,talk fast,interrupt others and jump out of bed with a million things in my head racing away.
Or I can chill out and lose time and do zero.
I've always been told I have anxiety and D bouts of depression .
I'm in my 50 s.
I feel like a slow learner or someone who will do things the wrong way first time.
I have to write lists or the information is gone.
People don't always get me.
I have to be on the go or I feel flat or unwell.