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Original poster

Do you ever mourn periods in your life?

16 replies

MarillaCuthbertIsSurprised · 06/09/2022 22:39

I’ve recently been torn about the idea of having a third baby. After a lot of introspection it occurs to me that in fact it’s not a third baby I want.

what I want is to time travel. Back to when my eldest (now 8) was born. It was such a happy, chaotic period in my life and suddenly I feel desperately sad that that period of my life is over.

I feel like there is nothing to look forward to now. None of the big things anyway.

OP posts:

Prawnandcrocktail · 06/09/2022 22:50

I feel the same, although I know it’s not healthy to look back like this. I do think once the baby/ toddler years are done, everything changes. My girls are so independent and capable that I do yearn for the ‘carrying them around’ years! After 20 years of being a lone parent, it’s hard to adapt!

Original poster

MarillaCuthbertIsSurprised · 06/09/2022 22:54

My youngest started school last month. She’s delighted with life and I’m delighted for her but I feel a bit….crap

OP posts:

Butterbeer4All · 06/09/2022 23:03

I would love to go back to when my oldest was a baby and do it all over again.

Original poster

MarillaCuthbertIsSurprised · 07/09/2022 00:22

Yeah. It’s just so sad to have left it behind.

OP posts:

Kite22 · 07/09/2022 00:33

No, I look back with fondness at certain times of my life, or, in truth probably certain aspects of certain times of my life, but I am also happy where I am in life now. I wouldn't want to go back and do that period again.

I mean, there are "things" you mourn. For example when you are up to your elbows in nappies and paraphernalia and the baby throws up as you are trying to leave the house and you know you are going to be late , I think it is then normal to "mourn" the time when you picked up your keys and just walked out of your house without all the hassle...... or when someone says they have a last minute ticket for someone or something you would love to see, but you realise you can't because you would have to get a babysitter and so forth you "mourn" those free and easy days . But it is generally one aspect you miss, and wouldn't actually swap it.

savehannah · 07/09/2022 00:39

Yes, although in lots of ways life is easier now my kids are teens and much more independent, I absolutely mourn the days when they were small, cute and innocent and I could solve their every problem. 😢

MarmiteCoriander · 07/09/2022 01:01

I wouldn't say I mourn per se, but occasionally wonder how a life with living children might have panned out?

I changed GP's due to lack of any concern or referrals when it was clear we had been TTC and nothing was happening! I wish I'd found MN earlier on my journey to know what was normal.

I have a happy life and lovely DH. We TTC 12yrs, lost 3, 2 rounds of IVF and no cause for sub-fertility found. We don't have living children and at our age now- never will. 😔

If time could go back OP- I would have pushed for testing earlier, rather than being told to 'relax' when I actually wasn't stressed 12 yrs ago!

OP- do you not look forward to your child going to high school, maturing and learning life skills from you? I'm sure there is lots to look forward? Family summer holidays next year, spending Christmas with your kids, weekends together ?

MarmiteCoriander · 07/09/2022 01:08

I feel like there is nothing to look forward to now. None of the big things anyway.

Surely other big events are starting/finishing high school, getting 1st job, marriage if they want, learning to drive, learning to swim, learning to ride a bike etc?

Justsleep · 07/09/2022 01:12

Yes. Mainly my children being babies and how fast it’s all gone. Very much at the forefront as my eldest it’s just about to start school.
i also mourn my girls holiday/nights out days.
I don’t ever think you really appreciate the moment you’re in, only once it’s passed.

Paranoidandroidmarvin · 07/09/2022 01:13

Yes. I would go back to how I was before I had my son.
My body didn’t cope well with pregnancy and birth. Even 18 years later I still suffer with the consequences of it.
Before that I was fit and healthy. No medical problems. Some of the problems I have now have a huge impact on my life and the Knock on effects of these are still happening.

inwant to be able to eat all types of food ( stomach and bladder Issues mean I can’t ) I want to be able to walk without pain in my broken feet. I want to be able to use my hands again. I want to wake up in the morning without my back hurting. I don’t want to have injections every three months. Basically I want my old body back.

Kite22 · 07/09/2022 01:17

I feel like there is nothing to look forward to now. None of the big things anyway.

Really ?
Don't you expect to have any wonderful family times ever again ?
Don't you expect your dc to achieve things in their lives?
Or even just do normal things like get married, or start work, or score a cracking goal in a football match or get picked to play in a school concert ?
Or get their 100m badge at swimming?
Or sing their heart out in the chorus in a school production ?
Or maybe Graduate ?

Autumnisclose · 07/09/2022 04:30

Whenever I feel this way I focus forward. There is always more to come.

DarlingDarwin · 07/09/2022 04:37

I think it’s easy to forget the drudgery and exhaustion of toddlers! They’re wonderful and lovely, yes - and I get what you’re saying because when they’re asleep I miss them and I reflect on those times as being wonderful. But the reality is absolutely gruelling.

bodie1890 · 07/09/2022 04:51

I've had some wonderful times but there are none that I would go back to, so I don't really 'mourn' them, no.

Maybe that means I haven't had a 'perfect' time in my life yet... but has anyone?

I am enjoying the present/ curious to see what's next, so don't spend too long dwelling in the past. I think we can often have rose-tinted glasses on, too.

teezletangler · 07/09/2022 05:34

Yes I get wistful about a third, but I know it's not a third I want. I want to relive having my first baby again. It was one of the happiest years of my life. By contrast, having the second one alongside a toddler was an absolute gong show! Then it all got lovely again, and I miss those very early years too.

I'm 42 and I totally identify with "nothing to look forward to" even though I know that's crazy and not true. I think it's because when we are young, our hopes and dreams are very focused on family. When that's "done", it feels like what's next? To go all pagan, I think it also has to do with mourning yourself as the maiden and the mother, and feeling invisible as you start to move into the crone sphere of life (although I prefer to think of it as wise woman!)

pastaparadise · 07/09/2022 20:15

Yes I absolutely get how you feel. Dc are 8 and 5 and I really miss the little years. I dread the day I no longer get daily cuddles and a hand to hold. I will miss the physical affection most.

I also feel mid life is hard. When younger the things ahead of me felt exciting - better jobs, buying a house, the hope of better relationships/ marriage/ kids. Now the big things ahead of me feel a bit grim- parents dying, retirement, ailing health and/ or caring for dh (combined with climate crisis). I know there's plenty of small things to enjoy along the way - friendships, seeing dc grow up, holidays etc- but the big things don't seem great.

I know this sounds negative but I've loved the younger dc years so much I wish I was young enough to have another baby! My view of later life has also been coloured by watching my parents suffer with awful health problems, so I try remind myself it might not be that bad.

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