My life is so reduced

[Janespade]

NC for this.
Long term health condition, which meant that I had to shield, I have permanently low white blood cells and neutrophils and get ill. Physically, I am not able to do much and need help with quiet a few things, which is intensely frustrating.
I've been getting ill more frequently and taking more time off sick. I worry constantly about losing my job as I doubt I'd get another. I'm renting and only have 3 months spare. As kids split 50:50, if I lose my home, I lose them. Not that I can do much for them anyway. Permanently exhausted.
Every time I see the kids, I put myself at risk. I have no social life as I've been told not to socialise inside. Family are all 3 hours plus away and lead busy lives between the UK and regular overseas travel. All very sucessful.
Cost of living crisis feels like the final nail in the coffin. The small things I can pay for such as counselling (not eligible on nhs), help around the house, alternative pain relief like accupuncture have gone. Not currently eligible for benefits as I earn a decent salary (I can't reduce my hours either).
I don't see any sort of future for me. Trapped alone, frustrated, bored and in pain. What is the point? My kids are fine with their dad (big house, money, flexible job) and I know they hate the fact that I'm not well. They'd rather not see me (maybe typical teens).
Nothing left to offer, nothing left I think to achieve. Don't really enjoy anything anymore. Probably depressed and have been on tablets for years. Had CBT. Reality is I lost hope. Meds and counselling can't fix that.
Everyone always says there is someone worse off than you, that may be the case but I don't believe in the misery olympics.
I have tried hobbies/reading/watching TV - can't do much in any case.

Has anyone got to this point and actually made any improvements? Or is this just the slow painful slippery slope ?

I really thought someone might reply. I really am
pretty worthless.

Op the board is pretty busy at the moment, it's easy to miss lots of posts.

I am sorry that you are having such a hard time. It sounds really difficult.

What job do you do? Can you access counselling through your work? Is it worth going back to your GP to tell them how you feel?

Can you enjoy something?
I get lost in fantasy land, just completely immersed in reading. I've wasted days reading, barely going to the loo & having water and random bits of food.
Yes that added nothing to my "external" life, but I enjoyed it in the moment - almost hedonistically.

Lovie, you're not worthless. You are at a horribly low point and feeling every negative emotion. What dispassionate advice would you give you on reading your thread?

Are you on the right medication for depression?

are there support groups you can access for your illness?
can you socialise outside?

do you work from home? Could you move nearer your family? Access more support that way?

are there things you ca. do with the kids you can look forward to - movie nights in?
playing games?

All is definitely not lost, you are just lost at the moment.

Hi OP! You just wrote couple hours ago. Give sometime people to reply.

please dont lose hope. I never in your position so i dont have anything to say. I just want to let you know please please dont think you are worthless. You have children. I’m sure they love you very much. Please dont feel worthless. Every mum is the world in the eye of their children.

Hi OP I’m sorry you haven’t had any replies. You aren’t worthless but I can understand that you feel like that, when you are so low.

Do you feel work is benefitting you, apart from money? If not, based on what you’ve said, would you be eligible for PIP? It might be worth asking eg Citizens Advice.

Teenagers are hard work and probably tell their Dad they don’t want to be there either but you’ll never hear that. You are an important part of their life, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

I wish I could offer you some helpful suggestions but I’m fairly certain that you’re already trying everything. Please speak to someone, even Samaritans. They saved my life once and I’m glad they did.

I hope that you find some peace.

That sounds really hard. I want to offer something helpful or say something to make you feel better, but I'm not very good at that sort of thing.

Maybe look at the awful picture of a blonde Kim K showing off her bottom on another thread on MN for for something to smile about.

I hope you feel better about everything soon.

Hi OP,

You're absolutely not worthless. We're sorry that you're feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

I wonder if you're comfortable telling us what is wrong with you that means you have to shield?

I know a few people, mostly elderly, with immunosuppression, blood cancer etc who were at one point shielding very rigorously. Now none of them is. I don't know what medical advice they've taken. It might just be that they (eg aunt in late 80s) thought they would rather grab what they could of what remained, rather than trying to save their health for a future that might anyway not materialise. More probably, I suspect, Covid has ceased to be a more serious risk than the risks they already faced - i.e. unless one was already (pre-2020) required to shield (did we have that word then?), there isn't a sufficiently serious excess risk to do so now.

Without ignoring the risk of Covid (which I assume you haven't had?), is it possible that the certain risk and misery and boredom of isolation exceeds the risk of getting sick during normal life?

I hope things start to improve soon. I'm sure your children need you very much.

You're honestly not worthless. Could you reply to posts on here? Look at recipes? Could you do something useful like knitting or sewing? Could you make cards for your children or start making Christmas cards? Phone people? Study? Sign online petitions?

I'm sorry things are so hard for you.

Hi OP.

I can empathise with much of what you are going through. When I saw your post title, I knew before I even clicked on the thread. I tell people that my world is getting smaller as my conditions worsen and I'm able to do less and less.

Have you spoken to your GP about new or alternate medication to help with your depression? And have you looked at whether you'd be eligible yo apply for PIP? The extra cash might help with those things you've had to give up.

I do manage to find enjoyment in small things; television, reading when I can concentrate, puzzles, pretty sunrises/sunsets, taking photos, family tree research. Ultimately, though, I couldn't go on without my wonderful husband. I consider myself very lucky. I'm not able to work any more and I'm disappointed I can't contribute like I used to, but I don't feel worthless and neither should you. Please know you're not alone.

I hear you OP. Chronic illness makes life so small. I wrestle with it too. When things seem bleak I try thinking that if the Dali Lama had my/your condition that he would still manage to be happy/at peace with it. Ergo it must be possible. Daft, I know, but it helps me!

It's good to think about where your self-esteem has come from in the past. Lots of us view our worth in terms of "Being a really useful engine" (I hated reading sodding Thomas to my kids, moralising git). Disability and illness can take that away. There's actually lots of 'useful' stuff you can still do should you be minded to. Other posters have made suggestions and I would add charity websites e.g. Free Rice where you play games to raise money or citizen science projects, there's loads on here if you're interested www.zooniverse.org/projects?discipline=biology&page=1&status=live

BUT ultimately it's about reconstructing your sense of self about YOU being enough. Your life is worthwhile without you needing to be useful to others. Your happiness is a worthwhile pursuit.

Easier said than done, I know, and it doesn't fix any of the very real practical problems and worries you have. Happy to chat anytime you feel like it, it's a lonely road we're on.

Of course you are not worthless but you may feel worthless because you are down in your self at this moment in time.I am sure your children adore you very much and would be devastated to think you feel like this,they are teens so to busy to even think.
I think learning something new like sewing, knitting making jigsaws all an excellent way to occupy your mind. Another good thing is to make sure you are getting plenty of fresh air because that can change your mindset fairly sharpish.

This is a really good point - I have a couple of friends who were classed as “extremely clinically vulnerable” or whatever it was called and were told to shield throughout the pandemic. They both stopped shielding of their own accord in the end because the impact on their mental health of being so isolated was just too much.

Is this something you might find it useful to discuss with your practise nurse or GP OP? You sound very isolated and that needs to change.

Wishing you all the very best 🙂

Op you have innate worth as a unique individual. Don't ever doubt that.

There was a period in my life when I was physically ill and quite severely depressed (but I was very fortunate that an operation cured both of those things). But I just wanted to comment about teens as I had a similar reaction from mine at the time. At 15 and 16 I had anticipated that they would be sympathetic to my condition but they really weren't. In fact they seemed to resent my incapacity and it made me feel so guilty and hurt all at he same time. I was really shocked at their reaction. But since them I have come to see that I was silly to take it so personally. They were battling with their own issues and their brain chemistry meant they were programmed to be selfish in a sense. Things have changed since then and they have become much more mature and unselfish so please know that - with the DC aspect of things anyway - "this too shall pass".

Please don't give up on yourself. This may not be something you find interesting and I hope this doesn't sound patronising but when I am feeling down I find the best thing is to do something creative if at all possible. Drawing, painting, sewing, doll's house furnishing, growing window sill herbs, lino prints, dried flower cards, knitting, crocheting patchwork ...they all help to take away immediate worries while you focus on them...and give you a small thing to look forward to the next day.

Good luck to you op

Thank you for all the replies. @Fishpawsandchips I think you are right about the children not coping with my illness as they have their own stuff going on, that was really helpful. I also can sew and love tiny projects so that is a really good idea.

It's helpful to hear from other people who understand.@MoMuntervary I am sorry you are on the chronic illness road. It's not an easy path. I think I struggle as I don't want to accept it. Likewise @ChipsRoastOrBoiled

@Bonheurdupasse Oh I can get lost - when I am not too down. I did manage to watch the Rings of Power at the weekend and I was lost for the whole 2 episodes - I needed that.

I have gone away and reflected - I am currently ill again and not able to work. That is not helping as I am so worried about losing my job. When I am not focussing on that spiral of doom, I tend to feel a bit more settled.
The big picture stuff is the hardest. Accepting I will never have a sucessful career, a good home of my own etc. That makes me negative and unsettled and will influence interactions with others.

I also think I might just have ADHD - I did watch TickTok with the kids and something came up about female adult ADHD and so many things described me exactly. It's not a useful piece of info as I can't afford diagnosis and there is 2-3 year wait for NHS psychiatry!

Ack, it's no wonder you're feeling rubbish when you've all that to worry about. I was reading an article earlier talking about the crisis in mental health and arguing that often people's 'mental health difficulties' are actually a reasonable response to what's going on around them.
www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/sep/06/psychologist-devastating-lies-mental-health-problems-politics

With regards to acceptance, I struggle with that too. I think there's still a bit of me that thinks it'll all go away. This is stupidity/stubbornness rather than positivity in my case as it's a degenerative condition!

I like this person's gorilla analogy to help remind me that I'd be better working with what I've got than trying to fight it all the time:

batsgirl.blogspot.com/2008/04/gorilla-in-your-house.html?m=1