Utterly disappointed in myself - how do I get past this?

[IchbineinBerlinerin]

Hi everyone,

Just looking for some advice to get over myself. I've just come out of my master defence and final oral exam. It was an hour long. I didn't get the grade I was aiming for, not even the lowest I was aiming for.
Doing well in exams never came easy to me but if I worked hard, in most cases, I could do well. All I ever wanted to do was PhD and work as a lecturer at a university, writing, researching and teaching.

I managed a first class honours in my undergraduate, got a scholarship to a uni in Europe for my master. The master was in the country's language so it was more difficult but I loved the challenge. I was doing well until, in the space of a year, I lost two family members, had a miscarriage then secondary infertility. I was about 10 months away from finishing my two year masters.

Anyway, after a LONG break, icsi, the birth of my son, uni told me I had two semesters to finish my degree or I wouldn't be eligible anymore to finish it. I wrote my last paper then started my master. DH was amazing but we had no family support (they live far away and COVID stopped them coming over) and it was exhausting and I only managed a C for my paper. I've just come out of my defence and oral exam now, I really though I could bring that grade up and I ended up getting C-.
I know these grades are still good...but not for a PhD.
I have a toddler, I'm pregnant, no family nearby so I know I shouldn't be to hard on myself but I feel like I've now messed up all my chances of that PhD. Overall, my master grade is 2:1 which is great. But my Master module is a 2:2 and no uni will take me with that unfortunately for a PhD. I should be feeling happy I've passed my master but I feel so low and disappointed in myself. I went into the bathroom afterwards and just cried (I'm not usually so emotional so I think it was a mix of disappointment, relief, pregnancy hormones and lack of sleep this week).

I can't help but feel I've let my gran down too. she was a parental figure to me, my main support during my master and she was one of the family members I lost halfway through.

I don't really know what I'm going to do anymore with my life. My degree is a subject which in the UK can be used for various things but here, my subject is looked down upon and I can't do much with it.

Basically, I need to get over it. If anyone has any advice to move on from being disappointed in yourself, I'd appreciate it.

Hi OP. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but I would try to focus on the fact that you still achieved a Masters degree and that in itself will help with your future career outside of academia. Many employers will not care about your Masters grade. What subject did you study? Are you in Germany? I also live in Germany so am trying to think of what subjects have lots of UK employment options but none over here.

I also wanted to be an academic for a very long time and despite excellent grades throughout did not get into the PhD programme I wanted. Looking back, I am so happy that I did not pursue academia. I think you need to concentrate now on finding a new path for yourself. Sometimes I think if you have done well at uni and it's sort of all you've known, it can be difficult to imagine doing anything else and being as good at it and that is scary. Have you ever had a non-academic job?

I think it is ok to feel sad for a while at the loss of the future you thought you would have, I was devastated at the time of my rejection. But academia is a really hard career path to go down these days and (at least in my subject) unless you were graduating from a top 10 institution worldwide it was unlikely you would ever get out of the contract/adjunct teaching situation. Obviously it might be different in your subject and country, but there are so many other things to do with your life where you can use some of the skills from your degree. Your undergrad results show you are clearly an intelligent and capable person!

Please @IchbineinBerlinerin STOP.
Take some time off, relax and enjoy what you have done.
Yes Gran and others wanted you to get a PhD but they would not have expected it given your specific experience over the last 3 years.
Forcing yourself to 'soldier on' as if you were in an Oxford College with nothing else to distract you was unrealistic.
Time off, enjoy the last of Summer then review. Do hear what other people in your discipline say. Meet them face to face not screen to screen.
Good Luck

@morgenmorgen thank you for your reply and your kind words. Yes, I'm Germany and I studied history. My undergraduate is history and German language/literature. You've hit the nail on the head by saying I can't imagine doing anything else but you're right and I know I'll find something else. I worked in a private school here for s few years which I loved so that's something to consider going back to.

I'm sorry academia didn't work out for you but it's comforting to know you feel with hindsight that it was the right thing for you. I travelled back home today after going for lunch with DH and toddler and found some sort of acceptance that maybe it's not the path for me, and I felt quite relieved at the thought of not having to pursue it and potentially move us all around as I didn't really want to do that now I have children.

@brianixon thank you! Definitely going to do this. I'm feeling quite exhausted right now and quite calm. Looking forward to a slower paced life over the next months before welcoming baby 2.

You have been saved an uncertain and frustrating career beset by internal political squabbles. You have done well and if you already feel a bit of relief maybe this is a liberation.

You have done well in very difficult circumstances OP. Take a break now and then move forward. As a pp said, this may be for the best. Sometimes we can get trapped in old dreams.

@Middledazedted I have heard this quite often recently and it has made me think twice about it. I suppose it feels like this has happened for a reason.

@Marynotsocontrary interesting about getting trapped in old dreams. Never thought of it like this and the more I do, the more I wonder if it is something I really still want to do.

Overall, I'm feeling very content today that it's over and I'm finished. So that's the dominating feeling today 😊it's quite peaceful!

@IchbineinBerlinerin Ah yes, that makes sense - I also studied a humanities subject and my colleagues here are very confused by it as I work in a completely unrelated field! I’m surrounded by business majors and engineers. But there are definitely paths you can take in Germany - teaching is one, especially if it’s something you already know you enjoy. Writing of some form is another. If you live in Berlin there are a lot of younger start-up type companies that have a less prescriptive outlook in terms of qualifications and background.

There are definitely many negatives to pursuing academia, most of which I’m sure you’re aware of. For me, looking back, I think the thing I’m most glad to have got away from is having my whole identity and self-worth tied up with my work. Now I have a job that I like and am good at it, that pays much better than academia and has given me a more diverse range of experiences outside of the academic bubble. If I were to lose my job, while I would be upset and worried about money, it would not be personally devastating and affect my whole concept of my identity in the same way as deciding not to pursue academia did. I have other things going on in my life and I am able to pursue my intellectual interests for pleasure, without pressure. I hope that makes sense; perhaps I am just projecting my experience! But I’m glad you feel somewhat better today.

Someone said to me once that only people who have tried in the first place feel like this. At least you tried! (It helped me.)

@IchbineinBerlinerin please stop, rest, recuperate, reflect.Spend time with your family. Nurture your babies. Take some maternity leave in due course. You have been through an awful lot.

Think about what your options going forward might be.

I know nothing of Humanities/Arts/Languages, but in my field (engineering, which I appreciate is a lot more applied), it is very common for academics to have come from an industrial background and use this experience as the basis of a lectureship, and do their PhDs whilst lecturing. My PhD supervisor got his PhD after me! My Father in Law was awarded his based on a series of a scientific research papers over about 15 years as a RA, moving onto Research Director at a government research centre.

Is you proposed route really the only way?

This is a guess. But was it that you were looking for validation and admiration for being 'a good girl' from your grades?

You've completed, you're holding up so many other things, you're doing amazing. Treat yourself to something lovely to celebrate.

It's not a slam dunk that you won't be accepted. You need to speak to someone at the university or universities you want to do your PhD with. Better yet if you can meet them f2f.

I got into a top ten Uni after a diabolical A'level result. I too had suffered losses and circumstances beyond my control during my final year. My references were great, but I knew I'd not done well in the exams. Before results day I contacted the Uni to explain.

Results day came - I bombed - but the person in charge of applications said - 'let her in', this was the person I'd spent about an hour on the phone to a week before, I'd talked through what had happened to me in that final year and told them how disappointed I was etc.

It was also in History. There are people at the end of these application processes not monsters. It's worth reaching out and trying to get a meeting before giving up on your desire to do a PhD.xx