Throwaway NC.
TLDR: I am annoyed my husband is clenaing my car because I think he will throw it back to me in an argument about how fabulous he is when I have had to put up with his drunken nastiness and shit for years.
Dh likes cars, while I DGAF, they get me from a to b.
Years ago, the family had no car. We needed one. So while I was at a hopsital appointment with one of the DC he went and got one. He knows that while I am not into cars, there is a certain one that I do like, you know as in, Those are nice cars, maybe one day I will get one, not OMG look at that car, its the dogs bollox. Anyway, he got me one of those.
Amazing. I was in tears etc and very grateful. It was a Gift, i might add at this point.
However, it doesn't fit all of the family into it, so around six months later he bought another one that does.
All fine.
Fast forward a few years, we are having issues in our marriage. One of the things that comes up is that he bought me this car etc and so I should be grateful and not nit-pick about things like how he is nasty when he is drinking and when I mention he buys takeaways when we are skint or when I mention money, as he is currently signed off with alcoholism and depression and his pay, is about to be stopped he says it is my turn to support the family now (even though I have ALWAYS worked around the DC, ok I dont earn as much as him but I was at home with the DC and worked evenings and did everything around the house while he took at least one day a weekend to go play golf, took weekends away/abroad and I never went anywhere) and look at how much he has bought us over the years etc. when he KNOWS my wage won't pay all of the bills. I say he cannot use a gift he chose to buy (when we had money) as something to hold over me forever more and use against me when I point out his behaviour is not ok. He also does this with things he bought the dc. Well I bought you x, why arent you grateful? ITs not that they arent grateful they are calling him out on his dickish behaviour and the things he says!
So he also has this thing where he is like look at this car, its like yours but a newer model, has x y and z and we should trade your car in. I was all no, I like my car, what is represents and am happy with it. HE goes on and on about this. No idea where we would get the money, btw, but it doesnt seem to matter that
I LIKE MY CAR and dont want to!
It took MANY arguments about this before I lost the plot and said in no uncertain terms to leave my car alone.
OK, so had an argument where he wanted me to go to the tip. In a heatwave. I said no its too hot. Eventually I agree, I ask for help lifting an item I physically cannot lift by myself. He refuses saying all these years he has done the tip run and never ased for help, he has done x y and z and the first time he askes me I ask him for help and therefore I am taking the piss. Remember, I cannot lift this item. I have also done tip runs, but yes, the majority were done by him. And he again throws in how he has bought me x and y and I need to be more grateful. It escalated into he has done things over the last 20 years so I should never expect any help from him again. I have made a point since then to not ask anything.
So this week he wanted to polish the trim of my car. Ok fine, I dont care, crack on. He did so, but used it as apoint that he had done it, points it out if we ever go past the car, sent me before and after pictures and had a go about the inside of the car being messy. This is a car that I basically lived in three hours a day commuting to work. I worked upwards of 50 hours a week. So yeah, there is some can and bits of paper. But you can see the floor, its mostly stuff in the side pockets. I said you cannot use something you chose to do as a stick to beat me with. The inside of my car wasnt a priority. I now have a role closer to home but still work in excess of 45 hours a week. Plus do all the housework, plus the groceries, plus running the dc around, sorting school uniform, haircuts. He sits at home, drinking.
TBF this week he has started to do more and as he is coming out of depression he is starting to fix things that have needed fixed for years, but we havent had the money, or I am accused of using "his" money, or I have bodge fixed myself or whatever, but as with all times he does things, I am expected to notice, give him a gold star. And I am resentful as he never thanks ME when I do things. Or for all the things I have done over the last 30 years! I just get on with it. Like he is meant to deal with the washing. He hasnt, so the other day I bundled it all up and took it to a laundrette to get it all done so I knew it was done before I went back to my working week.
So today, he wants to wash my car. I said dont do the inside. (Because I cannot be bothered about the comments. ) He came in and went So I hear you have a problem with us cleaning your car? Sorry, I thought I was helping (said sorry sarcasticaly) and it has wound me RIGHT up. I just dont understand why he was so insistent on "helping" when there is washing to sort, the kitchen to tidy, the bathroom to clean (Ha!) and hoovering to be done. THAT would have been helpful. Like so many other times, the car is NOT the priority!
I know IABU, but why has it riled me so? Is it because he will throw it back at me in an argument, or am I being ungrateful?