People with autism, Do you stuggle with this as well? If so how do you manage it?

[aoewa]

Have an adult family member (in his 20's) with autism. He has always stuggled with money and paying bills etc. He lives indipendantly in a flat and (very) rarely pays his bills.

We have tried literally everything to help him, But nothing at all works.

Say he got paid today, Within an hour he will have nothing left, Then goes either a week or two weeks with no money, No food, No bills paid etc. He thinks every penny paid to him is for him to spend how he likes, Bills and food are an after thought, He then constantly asks everyone for money for food.

He is in debt with all his bills, He has now stopped paying council tax as well with the view of giving it to them when he is ready to give it to them and not when they say it's due.

He refuses to have his money controlled by his mental health team.

Things we have tried:

He gave me ALL of his money in cash, I paid it into my bank, Paid all his bills for the month, then gave him a set amount each day. This lasted a week before he asked for it all back.

He gave my mum his debit card and told her to give him £30 per day, This lasted less than a day before he was threatening to phone the police on her saying she stole his card.

I paid his bills as and when they were due and he gave me the money in cash to cover them, He then didn't pay me back.

We even tried setting up payment plans with all his bill providors, Which they aggreed to, and even that didn't work as he has this thing where he refuses to leave a single penny in his bank account, He takes the lot out in cash.

We even resorted to clubbing together as a family and clearing an energy bill debt, then he just let it go into debt again and we can't keep doing it.

He tells us he needs prompting, so we remind him when they are due then all we get is we are nagging him and treating him like a child, He then gets aggressive saying we are 'babying' him.

We have been trying for years and we have no idea what else to do or try.

He also refuses point bank to go into assisted living, He says he will kill himself if he has to leave his flat.

What is likely to happen to him if he can't be helped with this? Will he end up homeless?

From experience, online gaming and access to websites.

And what the hell is going to happen for people who struggle with supposed 'independence' when energy bills spiral out of control I really do not know.

Says who?

You don't speak for everyone with autism and my ds likes being described as a person first and having autism second.

OP you need to really be sure of his motives.

I know of 1 other person who has autism who has expressed his intention to only pay bills he believes are worth it (if) when he lives independently.

My ds lives at home and he knows he cannot cope with the everyday organisation of bills alongside everyday routines so he asks me to manage them for him. His is an executive function difficulty rather than not wanting to or thinking he doesn't have to pay them.

If he's at risk of eviction or bailiffs I would be contacting social services. He needs support and as mentioned above it may be assessed he doesn't have capacity.

There is little difference and not everyone wants to be identified by their condition.

I have several disablin conditions. I don't really mind either way of describing me, but I think 'a woman with disabilities' is preferable to a 'disabled woman.' We are all far more than just one characteristic or description or illness or sexuality etc.

Sorry for derailing, OP.

Look at Attachment of Earnings on the government website.

That diagram doesn't make sense to me at all. No one would say a "person with gay" they would say "a person who is gay". But you might say "a person with a disability" or "a person with autism" as well as a disabled person or an autistic person. It's mangling language in order to make some sort of point that I still don't understand.

And I say that as someone with a disabled child/a child who is disabled/a child with a disability.

Anyway, sorry for the derail.

@Penguintears www.verywellmind.com/should-you-say-person-with-autism-or-autistic-person-5235429

Again that's someone speaking for a whole load of people.

You cannot speak for individuals.

My ds has a neurological condition called hereditary spastic paraplegia and as such has neuro development difficulties and also diagnosed with autism.

He prefers person with autism when people are talking about him because he's a person first.

You wouldn't say hereditary spastic paraplegic person or even HSP person.

He prefers both of his conditions to be described as something he has not something he is.

Best thing to do is ask the person who has the disability. Rather than non disabled people playing mental gymnastics on their behalf!

No, but I manage a small organisation so wouldn’t be able to do my job if I was like this. My autistic husband who manages multimillion pound budgets is also excellent with his finances.

Although we’re a minority, like other minorities such as females, the LGBTQ+ community etc, we are first and foremost people, as such, we all have different personalities, as well as strengths and weakness.

I think it’s a mistake making this post about him being autistic, as the issue doesn’t release to his sensory, communication or social needs being in a minority. The problem is he has an appalling attitude and no respect for his responsibilities, such as keeping a roof over his head.

@itsgettingweird 'You cannot speak for individuals.' It does say that in the article too. It is just explaining that identity first is preferred by the majority now and why.

@itsgettingweird If you read the article carefully it is based on asking the Autistic community. The majority said it was what they preferred and the article is relaying that to the reader.

Your son's preference puts him in the minority but his position should still be respected, as it says in the article.

I prefer the term autistic as I do not see that my autism can be in any way separated from me or my personhood nor should it be. I am a woman, I am a human, I am autistic.

I'm liking the sound of a second bank account and it's something we hadn't yet thought of, Pay in enough to cover all montly bills/food then give him the rest in his own account. Nothing else is working.

Sorry for offending so many people with how I worded my title, as I say I'm dyslexic and find it hard enough to type out a sentence as it is, It wasn't my intention to offend anyone, I was just looking for help as it's been going on for years and we can't cope, it didn't cross my mind I had worded it wrong.

He does have a cpn, we have spoken to him many times, he was the one to help us set up all the direct debits but it didn't work. He keeps telling family member to let them control his money to help him but family member just says he will kill himself as he doesn't want them knowing what he buys. He was found to have capacity in some areas but not others.

As for what he spends it on.. Video games, clothes, stuff from ebay, He can't go into a shop without spending whatever money he has in his pocket, regardless of if he needs the stuff or not. Another example would be if he orders shoes off ebay he will order four pairs, then regret that when he has no money and wishes he had bought one pair if that makes sense. he then goes to shops such as cash generator, then has to pay them back, he does this weekly, He would take his x box or his tv in and then pay them 90 quid to get it back. its a visious circle.

Is he being failed by the MH system? Being unable to regulate your emotions or control your impulses are often key features of ADHD.

I think it’s a mistake making this post about him being autistic, as the issue doesn’t release to his sensory, communication or social needs being in a minority. The problem is he has an appalling attitude and no respect for his responsibilities, such as keeping a roof over his head.
There are lots of autistic people that struggle with executive function, forward planning, consequences etc that cause money management, debt issues etc to be an issue.

Don't worry OP, very few people actually get offended by these things, we autists are famously terrible pedants though! Although often we're just trying to be helpful.

If you stay away from functioning labels, you're generally ok. And a few don't like the term Asperger's as Hans Asperger was a Nazi Eugenicists, but other than that don't worry too much!😁

You have no idea whether OP's relative has a preference for identity-first or person-first language.

So when she's talking to or about her relative, she can use their preference.
Her OP's title addressed everyone who is autistic, therefore she should use the default preferred by autistic people, which is "autistic people", not "people with autism".

It's not difficult

No.

Why don't you stop telling people off for requesting some respect.

Another poster hhas explained why most autistic people prefer identity first language.
You cannot just wade in shouting "how dare you decide how people should address you!" And think that your opinion is more important than 97% of autistic people (surveyed several times). Choose what you want for yourself, but the default for the community is identity first.

I manage my daughter's money. She lives alone. Her rent is taken out before her benefit is paid, she knows bills must be paid. I make sure her current account always has enough money to cover her weekly needs after bills are paid.

My son? He's still at home but if he got free access to his benefits, it would be spent on whatever took his fancy the moment the money hit his accounts. I have no idea how we are going to organise it when he eventually moves into sheltered housing and we are dead and gone. It's a minefield.

My ex husband (ASD) was a GP. Absolutely brilliant at his job! Really talented, hyper focused, healthily obsessive (to a degree), excellent at diagnosing; ordering the right tests in a timely manner, doing right by his patients swiftly and thoroughly … just really good at his job and highly respected.
But!!! He was an absolute disaster with money/finances and the management of daily/real life. It was as if he held everything together for work and then the moment anyone expected him to take responsibility for anything outside that work sphere (a safety zone that he had so consciously cultivated), he would just take a figurative wrecking ball to that unsafe world-l he was expected by others to enter; the everyday world: The one I lived in, his children lived in. We were very much outside his safe sphere and it was extremely difficult to remain solid as a couple and a family because we weren’t ‘safe’ with him. Sorry for my sad spin on things. He’s an extreme example. And he doesn’t represent people on the spectrum in the least! However, he was terrible with money.
My DS is also autistic but he’s 8 so… too young to know yet how he’ll be.

I follow this guy/group on FB and recently watched a bit of a video about how most people on the spectrum struggle with finances. He’s really good at offering tips on managing this. It’s the only site I follow really. He’s on the spectrum himself as are the majority of his guests. He’s really excellent. www.autismexplained.com.au/

I recommend going into the FB group for autism explained. There are more easy to access videos and talks that are just there, ready to click and view.

@nickelbabe

I think it's way more offensive that you've actually said this to someone who is dyslexic!...

"So when she's talking to or about her relative, she can use their preference.
Her OP's title addressed everyone who is autistic, therefore she should use the default preferred by autistic people, which is "autistic people", not "people with autism".

It's not difficult"

Wow.

Many people do find it difficult because of their own disabilities. Stop policing the language of people seeking support on public forums and, if you really want to do something to help the autistic community, start worrying about issues that actually matter that detrimentally affect the lives of autistic people such as the horrendously poor support offered by CAMHS, the huge waiting lists for autism assessments or the lack of support for autistic adults.

Of course it's much easier just to have a go at people because they haven't said quite the right thing in quite the right way from home on an anonymous internet forum.

Sorry for derailing OP but didn't feel I could let that one go.

I have no problems managing money, but I have no co-morbid cognitive impairment. I tend towards hyper organization and being able to focus on details which probably makes finances easier for me than the average person. They are something that tends to be very regulated and predictable which means you rarely have to deal with the stresses that come with deviation from routine.

I also hate the policing of language and am not particularly fond of the phrase autistic people. I would never suggest someone else not use it though.

He clearly lacks the capacity to manage his own money, so your local authority really should be getting a social work assessment carried out, then power of attorney arranged if it's deemed appropriate.

I'm autistic and I prefer 'people with autism' because the other way around centres the autism and not the person.

It wasn't to OP i said that.
it was to others who were arguing the toss.