What's unforgivable in your eyes?

[Scorpio8]

What something you could never forgive someone doing to you?

Would you expect that a family member/friend/ partner not to forgive them even though it happened many years?

Would you feel that family member/ friend/partner should back you up?

I dont think i could give a blanket answer. (If im understanding the thread properly)

I always say i wouldn't forgive my DH cheating on me, but having never been in that situation, so i don't really know that.

I think once you bring families into your relationship and expose them to information they will always have an opinion and you then can't expect to manage that.
For e.g if my DH did cheat on me and i told those closest to me of course they would never forgive him. If i chose to forgive him, i couldn't then expect those to, they feel how they feel.

I wouldnt expect my family to always blindly back me up, if im wrong or out of line, i expect those closest to me to tell me.

I agree that it’s difficult to talk in blanket statements.

One thing is that, in a relationship, it sometimes turns out that it’s not the big or obvious things that turn out to be unforgivable. It can often be something small or slightly odd that, because of the history, turns out to be insurmountable for you.

Or, it can be things that you tried to get past and even thought you had, but later events shift your perception and it turns out they are actually insurmountable.

I think it’s relatively unusual for events to be as neat and clear cut that they can be easily categorised into ‘forgiveable’ and ‘unforgiveable’. At least in the context of ongoing relationships.

I will make it slightly easier for you all to respond.
Could you forgive :

Cheating
Rape/sexual assault
Some sleeping with your partner
Stealing from you
Someone harming your child

I just listed some but there's loads of things people cannot forgive but some you can forgive.

If a family/friend/partner knew that person would you expect them to never forgive them as you have. Or do you think they should be allowed to forgive them as it was in the past?

I also agree that telling friends and family about things can be opening Pandora’s box. Things that might have been possible to overcome become impossible because the context shifts.

Telling your family about problems in your relationship can cause them to treat your entire relationship differently. And that has knock on effects.

Conversely, not telling people about things can allow terrible situations to continue far longer than they should.

There are no easy answers.

Sexual and physical abuse and then never saying sorry to perpetuate the abuse.

I told my DM things about my marriage, because I had no one else to talk to and she asked, but it was a mistake. I regret it now, although it helped at the time.
‘And no, I couldn’t forgive those things.

Cheating - possibly, it would depend on the circumstances
Rape/sexual assault - no
Some sleeping with your partner - no
Stealing from you - no
Someone harming your child - I don't have children but I could not forgive anyone who harmed my pets.

In academia, I worked very closely with a colleague and I thought we were good friends. We went to her wedding (abroad) and she came to our son’s wedding. We published many papers together taking it in turns to be the first named author. By chance I discovered that on her CV she was listing all our work as being by her alone. It was a total betrayal and we never worked together again, and only spoke when we had to. The stupid thing is that she couldn’t see that it was better to be seen as someone who could work with other people.

It all depends:
partner:
cheating, maybe a one night stand (maybe)
cheating - long term affair - no
rape/sexual assault - no

child (as in my child , or adult offspring)
cheating in their partner - yes
commiting a crime that they went to jail, again yes, I wouldn’t (obviously) be happy with them, but I would visit them in jail and try my best to help them turn their life around when they came out.

Some things hurt more than the typical cheating, lying, stealing etc. I could and have forgiven cheating. It's biology. We all are programmed to want to procreate.
I had a friend who slagged off my house to our friends, saying it was filthy and I was lazy because I didn't put the hoover round before she came when I was two months post partum with my second. I had severe depression and was going to be evicted from my house. I couldn't forgive that, friends should support.
I also couldn't forgive someone who held completely opposing views to me (racist, sexist etc). I wouldn't do anything to them but wouldn't be able to be civil.

For me, for a lot of these things (excluding the physical/ sexual abuse) it comes down to lying.

Affair- lies
Gambling addiction- lies
Secret drinking/ drugs- lies

Lying to someone is making an assumption that you are more clever than the recipient of the lies, that you are somehow out-foxing them. I couldn't forgive someone who treated me like an idiot.

Someone harming my children.

Harming my family in general.

Lying about me.

Are you a journalist?

So say if you were sexually abused by your dad. But your sister wasn't.

Would you be happy with her having a relationship with him and forgiven him as it was the past? While you still want nothing to do with that person.

To the last person who posted no I am not.

Just asking general questions.

Abuse of trust. Covers many things.