Would you want to know? Step-sibling question (maybe not "step")

[tunadelights]

Trying not to out anyone here but basic facts are:

DF/DM divorced a very long time ago (1980s)
DF now deceased
DM still alive and happy and remarried (no other children)
I have two step-siblings as a result of DF's second marriage
The two step siblings were adopted by my DF so are technically and legally my DD/DS
Have had a good relationship with DSM over the years but no real contact since death of DF - I have own life (and family) as does she - no issues there at all

I have long thought that my step-siblings are really my half-siblings (talking genetically here) but have never asked.

It genuinely would not bother me or my DM in any way if there were "blood related" - so much water has gone under that bridge now and as I say DF is now deceased (over a decade now)

So ... would you want to know just for the sake of knowing?

Yes i would but would they be in board with getting a DNA?

That seems rather clinical ... so was more thinking of just asking DSM outright if needed (or just leaving it - and letting matters stand as they are)

I have two brothers. And a half brother. And two half sisters. It may not be as straightforward as that. My mother was my mother. My father may have been my father.

There was a time when I thought it would be neater to know - now the people who are my brothers and sisters in varying degrees are just part of my life. I have a closer bond with the people I grew up with. Biology less important. I don't need to know.

I'd ask DSM. I'd make it clear that it you would actually like to have them as genetic siblings and you understand it's a sensitive question but would be good news.

I'm not clear here- are you saying that your step siblings were born when your parents were still together?

Do you have any reason to believe that your DSM was having an affair with your Dad?

Thanks all

@HaveringWavering - I'm not sure to be honest - put their DOB would be when my DF and DM were still married. However, that wouldn't really be an issue for me or DM - it was quite a long time ago

DSM would not have been the reason for divorce - I know that - and I hold no resentment to her. She's a lovely woman and was with DF for 20 plus years before he died

I think I have answered my own question - may as well let sleeping dogs lie.

I am curious but wouldn't want anyone to feel awkward and siblings are now adults with their own lives and families

Knowing wouldn't affect my relationship with them either way

We've had this in our family, except the child in question was not adopted, so was a step-sibling. Only through Ancestry DNA has the child learnt that they were the step-father's child.

We'll never know if the parents knew, as they are long deceased, but it is nice for this person to have new nieces, nephews and sibling. Also to know that their beloved stepfather was indeed their dad. However, one sibling doesn't appear to have accepted/ acknowledged this, despite also being on Ancestry themselves.

I suspect that both of the parents were still married to their original spouses at the time, so they either didn't know for certain or kept up the pretence for appearances.

Overall, it has been positive that the truth came out. (And actually, the unaccepting sibling is not a nice person anyway.)

Yes I would want to know, it would be important to me to know for certain.
I think you would need to handle it very carefully though because the two step-siblings may not know and it may cause distress if they find out DF was their real dad even though he adopted them, knowing that he is deceased and they can never discuss it with him.
A private conversation between you and step-mother would be a good starting point, if you make it clear there is no malice or resentment.

Even if it doesn’t create an issue for your Mum, wouldn’t it create an issue to them? If they’ve grown up believing that someone else is their father or not knowing at all, and then they find out that they went through the process to be adopted by the man who was already their biological father, that might be a problem for them. If I’m understanding the story correctly, which I might not be.

I think it’s better to let sleeping dogs lie. It’s up to your step/half siblings to question this if they want to.

@ClocksGoingBackwards - yes I agree - don't want to poke this particular hornets' nest as nothing to achieve really rather than out of satisfy my own curiosity.

DF adopted them when very young as DSM's ex didn't want any involvement in their upbringing

If DF is their biological dad they may well already know - who knows?

Best to leave it as you say!

Tbh I would probably leave it alone. I understand the curiosity but I think it has the potential to open a can of worms.