Anyone else tired of being the main breadwinner

[Iwanttoslowdown]

I really have been the breadwinner for too long and wish that I could take a step back. Anyone else?

I earned 5 times more than my ex. I was pretty driven to progress in my work. Then I ended up earning about the same more with my current husband. Now we are retired it’s about twice as much. I have often thought it would have been/be nice to be with someone who earned as much, or more than me, hey ho. It is what it is. My new (ish) husband is gorgeous and generous to a fault 🙂

Yeah 24 years of it

This.

Used to tell me money doesn't matter.

Hasn't stopped him making a grab for everything on divorce.

No pride or self-respect.

So so sick of it but completely unable to get off the hamster wheel because we'd starve. Going to downsize the house before I have a breakdown!

I think its realising that this is it for me now and it’s not going to change. Worse I’m also seeing that he doesn’t notice/care of the impact it’s had and is having on me.

Yep sick of it - especially as my higher earning has enabled him to get the job is his dreams and he frequently tells me how happy he is yet I’m trapped in a job I hate with no way of getting out without severely affecting my childrens future. Feel so bitter towards him (hence why he’s an ex although still living/go parenting together for some reason)

I've always earned more than DH. Not multiples of his salary like some above but enough that meant when I worked 3 and a half days after having the kids I still earned what he earned. Now I'm back full time and my pay has increased over the years I earn 20k more than him. I have a really good pension (provided by my job but also added to by me) whereas he hasn't been able to have the same advantage and just has a small private one and only recently had a work one started.

It doesn't bother me. But then we still have a fair distribution of what we pay for, and he bought the house when we married (money from medical compensation) so it hasn't been a case of me feeling like I'm the breadwinner.

Yes. It’s getting me down a lot.

I don’t mind being the breadwinner actually - but what I do mind is that this doesn’t actually translate to DH doing all the householdy bits. It translates to he gets the one child still at primary to school and does most meals. Spends the rest of the day doing absolutely nothing he doesn’t want other than maybe doing a load of laundry, and treats school holidays like his own holidays. He has said he’s applied for loads of jobs but I just don’t believe him that he’s had no calls back for any of them.

I feel responsible for absolutely everything, because he will not take responsibility or take the initiative for anything.

I just want him to acknowledge that he’s had a decade of not working, and while he did a lot while the boys were small, they are not small anymore. And huffing and puffing about ‘being here for the boys’ means nothing when I am also here and can see he’s not running round after them!

I feel bad saying all this, but I needed to get it off my chest.

Yep, me too.

Last year my mum died 9 months after retiring. I am terrified that will be me or I won’t even make retirement. Dp does do quite a bit at home. But has no pension. I am 40, my career is thriving but I don’t really want to do it anymore. I am always scared I will lose my job and we will be in the toilet.

Dd is going to uni and my wage meant minimal loan so need to help her out, even with her working. It wouldn’t be fair not to. Ds starts high school next week and is getting more expensive.

Every which way I turn money is just leaking out. The kids dad bought ds one blazer for school and that’s it. Everything else came from me.

Their dad was shit with money. Still is. Dp is good with money but earns very little.

I have never really cared about how much money a man makes. But it would, for once be nice for me not to be carrying the main load.

I feel like I am at breaking point and I desperately hanging on. No one seems to see how stressful it is. I can’t even grieve my mum , so I can hold it together. But then when dp or dad or my brother see me being down or anything they assume it is because of mum.

My brother also told me I am not a very strong person last week because I cried the first time we saw mums body. I just walked away.
Sorry for the rant. I am just tired of it all and this is the first time I could admit it.

I so relate to this especially the lack of initiative for everything. It’s almost like not having any money means that he doesn’t have to think about doing anything other than cooking, cleaning - everything else from school shoes to special lunches is just non existent or looking forward to anything.

And my OH says that there’s no work around but doesn’t even try to generate any so it keeps the cycle going. I’m so tired. And so bored.

I'm the only earner (no DC).

At first DH was earning and I wasn't (studying).

Then we were roughly equal for about 8 years.

Then over about 4 years my career took off and his long term mental health issues came to a head and he took voluntary redundancy.

I assumed he'd heal and return to work. The first happened, the second didn't.

Now I work and he looks after the home. That's been our setup for the last decade and likely to be the same til I retire.

We found the situation is actually easier with one earner and one not earning than one high earner and one low earner. When we both worked but I had a more demanding job, he'd expect equal share of domestic work because on paper we both did the same hours, but he had a job that worked contracted hours only and was done when he walked out at 5, while I had a job that usually involved extra hours a few times a week and left me mentally drained at the end of the day.

Now we have clear responsibilities. I earn and work, he runs the house. He accepts that my job makes demands on my time, I accept that since he makes the home function his opinion about how we run our home has more weight than mine.

I think it would work if I could cover all the bills and some. My wages just about cover our main bills so without his wages we have a pretty grim existence unnecessarily.

With his wages - and proper wages - we are fine and I can take the pedal off significantly. But he is unreliable and sometimes we are fine and then there are periods of time where it just all dries
up from his end. It’s like I’m constantly in alert mode.

@Iwanttoslowdown I only want him to get a minimum wage, part time job. He's probably not ever going to get anything 'high powered' but I'm fine with that.

But tell me why, during my only week off in the summer holidays, it was me that had to take the kids into town for school shoes shopping, it was me that had to order shoes when town didn't have one size in stock for one of them, and then he text me to ask what we were having for dinner! That pissed me off SO much and he had no idea! I have previously told him that it's exhausting to be working and have to deal with thinking about everything too.

PP has mentioned uni fees and it has just dawned on me that as I earn close to £50k pa now, it's likely that by the time comes, they won't be able to get much in the way of loans. So it'll be down to me to fund. Solo. Or if they don't go, it'll be paying for driving lessons and cars and insurances.

All totally normal, but it feels so daunting to think that it's all on me. On the other hand, it also makes me think if we ever split, I'd still be responsible for all that but I'd also have to fund a second home.

And that’s the worry that it will just carry on into each next phase because I can’t see any alternative. Bottom line is that I don’t want this anymore. Not like this. I would rather be on my own.

@IUseThisNameToTalkAboutMoney I cannot see it as being very hard to run a house if you don't have kids, unless you happen to live in Buckingham Palace. Your dh got a cushy number but it sounds like you are fine with that.