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Original poster

'I'm her best friend'

30 replies

Pebbles16 · 03/09/2022 18:03

I really try not to judge my friends' relationships with their children (I don't have them - children, I do have some friends!). But I feel really uneasy with this comment which I heard twice today. One a mum to a 20-something, and one to a teen.
May be I am wrong, but I would think that parents being a child's best friend is a bit 'stunting'? Parents should be somewhat 'in charge' which does not equal best friend territory; and also, how does anyone navigate talking about life without a third party's perspective? (or did I just have crap parents that I didn't adore enough?)
For context, I have never had a best friend, I have close friends I can talk to, but not that exclusive bond.
Looking at that, it's probably me, but I do cringe at the notion that mums are best friends rather than parents.

OP posts:
Saschasparty · 03/09/2022 18:26

I have a cousin who is her mums ‘best friend’. She feels trapped by her mum. Her relationships don’t last long, she hasn’t been able to move where she wanted to or do the job she wanted to and hasn’t got many friends because she spend all her time with her mum.

Her mums expects things like film nights, spa days, shopping trips, cooks dinner for her every night so they can ‘catch up’ etc. it’s very stifling.

I have no advice for her though because she’s the third woman I’ve known in the same situation and the other two never left the situation so I can’t advise her how to leave the situation beyond what is very easy for me to say eg JUST MOVE AWAY! Which is obviously not as easy to do as it is to say.

Original poster
Pebbles16 · 03/09/2022 18:49

Thank you, that was my thought. It just seems so suffocating

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 03/09/2022 18:51

You are right it’s weird. The adult should get her own friends and parent her child.

Choice4567 · 03/09/2022 18:53

How much ‘firm parenting’ do they need once they’re in the twenties? I’m close to my mum and would consider her a best friend

completely understand you don’t say it about under 18s though

Catch21 · 03/09/2022 18:53

I agree with you OP if it really is like that. But I think it's often used as shorthand for "we're really close" rather than actually being like a best friend relationship.

FloppyFlippy · 03/09/2022 18:54

Me and my eldest son are like best friends (I do have two actual best friends). We have such a laugh and he constantly messages me silly things. I expect it will change if and when he gets a partner. He moved out 9 years ago but we’ve remained ever so close.

Aria999 · 03/09/2022 19:04

My two best friends were my mum and DH (until mum died when i was 30).

Nothing weird or controlling she was just one of my favorite people. I didn't even call her every week.

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 03/09/2022 19:17

Dd always says I'm her best friend, she's 19 and off to Uni in a few weeks. Reality is she has lots of friends and a lovely boyfriend we are just really close and I love it.

TeachesOfPeaches · 03/09/2022 19:24

My mum had me at 17 and she really is my best friend even though I'm 36 now.

Thewayshetalks · 03/09/2022 19:32

My mum is my best friend I have other friends but my daughter also says I am her best friend she is under 18 but we get on like a best friend relationship and I also parent her, she also has friends and I don’t suffocate her or force it upon her, I don’t think it’s weird, in fact most of my friends say it about their mums/children also.

Original poster
Pebbles16 · 03/09/2022 19:32

It's lovely you have such close relationships. Especially the daughters responding, I don't know, something just doesn't sit right when mothers declare this - didn't have the daughters' opinions.
I love and respect my Mum, enjoy spending time with her.
May be I am just not a best friend person

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 03/09/2022 19:39

It is weird. But (not being snarky) it’s also not your problem or within your control so don’t worry about it.

TheodoraPlumptre · 03/09/2022 19:44

I am very close to all my adult children (boys and girls). But I am not their best friend, and it's still my job to guide them in ways that only someone 30 years their senior can do. That's very different from a 'best friendship'. I'm also very close to my own mum and dad, but they are absolutely not my 'best friends'.

lailamaria · 03/09/2022 19:51

i mean i don't think the parent is 'in charge' once their kid is an adult imo so i don't see a problem if the mum isn't overbearing

Original poster
Pebbles16 · 03/09/2022 19:57

Luredbyapomegranate · 03/09/2022 19:39

It is weird. But (not being snarky) it’s also not your problem or within your control so don’t worry about it.

I know it isn't. Just found it a bit strange that they would say it. Made me feel a bit 'itchy', which I appreciate makes no sense,

OP posts:
crosbystillsandmash · 03/09/2022 20:01

Dd has loads of friends, lived away from home for uni etc but always describes me as her best friend.
We're incredibly close, have shared interests, the same sense of humour etc and just really love each other's company.
I also have tons of other friends and a very busy job and social life and in now way does our relationship restrict or suffocate her (or me!)

Original poster
Pebbles16 · 03/09/2022 20:02

TheodoraPlumptre · 03/09/2022 19:44

I am very close to all my adult children (boys and girls). But I am not their best friend, and it's still my job to guide them in ways that only someone 30 years their senior can do. That's very different from a 'best friendship'. I'm also very close to my own mum and dad, but they are absolutely not my 'best friends'.

Thank you, to me that makes sense. I suppose it was the parents' insistence that they are their children's (albeit quite adult children) best friends that made me feel that they were being a bit overbearing and not acknowledging that their children might have a closer relationship with others.
I am over-thinking, I know.

OP posts:
tiggergoesbounce · 03/09/2022 20:04

My mum was one of my best friends, she was just a great person to be around, she was hilarious, interesting and a brilliant confidant who i could speak to about anything. (I miss her massively)

Its not wierd that you want to be around great people, even if they happened to have birthed you.
Once you are an adult the dynamic changes.

We both had our own lives, but spent alot of time together as we enjoyed it.

ChagSameachDoreen · 03/09/2022 20:07

In all the mother/daughter best friends I know, the mum is a smaller who thinks she's still 18, and the girl is a bit dim.

ChagSameachDoreen · 03/09/2022 20:07
  • a slapper, not smaller
ComeOnThenFanny · 03/09/2022 20:10

ChagSameachDoreen · 03/09/2022 20:07

  • a slapper, not smaller

A slapper?

crosbystillsandmash · 03/09/2022 20:10

ChagSameachDoreen · 03/09/2022 20:07

In all the mother/daughter best friends I know, the mum is a smaller who thinks she's still 18, and the girl is a bit dim.

You sound nice 😳

sidewayswalking · 03/09/2022 20:13

It's equally as weird to think you should be in charge of an adult in their 20s as it is to think you can be their best friend.

I spend a lot of time with DD who is that age. We are a ND family and find comfort in familiarity. She isn't my best friend though, she is my daughter. I am not in charge of her though. We are just a bit different in that we don't have a huge group of friends or the desire to socialise.

WildFlowerBees · 03/09/2022 20:14

I was really close to my mum she was one of my favourite people, however I wouldn't describe her as a best friend. I tell my closest friend far more than I ever would my mum!

sidewayswalking · 03/09/2022 20:16

ChagSameachDoreen · 03/09/2022 20:07

In all the mother/daughter best friends I know, the mum is a smaller who thinks she's still 18, and the girl is a bit dim.

Ah you fit right in then, what with the dim bit