Unstable and abusive partner

[Diamondsareforever123]

I really need advice and support please. I'm 68 my partner is 11 years younger than me. No kids Been together 30 years. He has always been controlling and aggressive. Yesterday I had to have a lung function test. I smoked a roll up in the morning - I shouldn't have done - the test was in the afternoon. Anyway he went to sleep at 1pm. At around 1.30pm I went to kitchen to make coffee. He had left a roll up in my ashtray. I didn't smoke it. When he got up at 3 30 I was about to leave for my test and told him he was bad to have left the roll up there. He went absolutely berserk, screaming that I was a liar, and had smoked it. I didn't want a row and went for test. Came back and he's going on about doubting his sanity, intermixed with me being a liar. I told him to leave and that I'd call the police. He said he'd punch me if I did. I can't stand it anymore and actually want to die. I have no friends or family. This is an HT flat in my name. He'd kill me if I got him out because he'd be homeless. I literally have no one to turn to.

He hasn't worked for years and I pay for everything. It's doing me in

Please contact women's aid.

They supported me to get out of an abusive relationship, helped me with safe accommodation, all the legal stuff, and emotional support too.

He is bringing nothing but misery to your life, you won't realise how miserable he is making you until you're free of him.

Thanks. The thing is that I'm terrified. I don't think women's aid can help. I'm in a basement flat be dead easy for him to break in. He'll be homeless with nothing to lose. I'm 68 and absolutely done with all of it TBH.

They can help, they could help you get rehoused, help with alarms, they usually have a contact at the police who can help, they can help get a restraining order, with the costs of getting extra security.

You have nothing to lose by contacting them, and everything to gain.

I know it's so hard when you can't see a way out, or how it's all going to work, but they absolutely will help you.

The first step is so scary. Give it 6 months and you'll be wondering what took you so long.

Try calling them for a chat to start with, you don't have to push yourself further than you're willing to go, but they can explain the support they can offer.

I feel like a fool because I'm old and have wasted my life on him. He's sitting here now watching the football as if nothing happened yesterday. I think he's insane. I am scared of him.

You're not a fool. These guys manipulate us into thinking we need them, they chip away at every part of us so we don't see we deserve better.

They 100% know what they are doing and are very good at it.

Thank you. I also have 3 cats here. Women's aid couldn't rehouse them. I am stuck.

Oh he's well aware what he's doing. He wanted a row yesterday..... probably because he can't get his marijuana fix. He's revolting TBH. I'm just thinking of all the crap things he's done to me over the years. I have been a sucker and a mug.

He won’t be homeless, he would be housed.

Cats protection will look after your cats until you sort anything out. It’s your flat, not his.

You still have time to do something about this and start a fresh life without this monster.

Speak to womens aid - just talk to them. Then go from there 💐

There are often charities who help women's aid foster pets while you get whatever help you need.

I know you feel stuck. I know how hopeless it all seems, but I promise you that you're not.

I was there some years ago too and couldn't see my way out either, but I did it.

You are only 68. You deserve a better life than walking on eggshells with this freeloader. It will affect your health to have to live like this. Please go to Womens Aid and start to build your strength and confidence for something better. If he is a risk to you in your current flat then WA could advocate for you to be rehoused. However crap he has been you are still entitled to grieved the loss of a 30 year relationship, but please dig deep and take the next step. Posting on here is a fine and brave thing to do.

Thanks so much.

Op this is literally what woman’s aid is here to deal with. Please give them a ring at least and go from there

I am walking on eggshells and thanks for being so understanding. I just don't feel like I have the energy to do all this now... I feel too old and want it all to be over. I don't want to sound maudlin but I have no one that is interested in whether I live or die. I don't have anything really and just want to fade away. We have a huge cost of living crisis now and my problems aren't going to get priority. If I were a young girl with kids in my situation they would get priority over me, and rightly so TBH. I'm f**d. It's my own fault. I just want it to end

Does he go out? Can you change the locks and call the cops? You’d have to have it planned, locksmith ready when he goes out…

“If I were a young girl with kids in my situation they would get priority over me” not sure about this - age is a protected characteristic under the 2010 equality act so I don’t think it’s legal to discriminate on the grounds of age. Having vulnerable children in the household may have an impact but I think you need to contact them and find out. I think and hope there will be help out there for you once you take that first step.

Also, he has been treating you like shit for long enough to make you feel like that’s how you’re to be treated. Reaching out for help is an act of treating yourself with respect, and will give your mind the message that you deserve and can have respect. I think it’s worth a try.

How long has he not had a job, he is nothing but a parasite, feeding off your good nature, could you end the tenancy on your flat and move somewhere else.

Women’s Aid don’t discriminate —- your safety is as important as a 20 year olds, or a 40 year olds.
Cinnamon Trust cinnamon.org.uk can organise foster care for your cats.
As you will be at risk in your basement flat WA will liaise with your housing association to rehome you. You can have alarms, panic buttons.
Please just speak to them so you can be reassured that they can help and you ARE important.

Op when I lived in the refuge there were lots of women with kids there, but there were also lots of single women of all ages. They aren't just there for young women with kids.

You're coming up with so many reasons not to call them. You're not concentrating on the one reason you should call them - you deserve better than this.

Thanks I hear you. But I am very scared. He's started again tonight. He really frightens me and loves the power. I have tried to contact women's aid but there is no one there apart from email. Look the whole system is f####d - no one can help me - he knows it- that's why he's doing this now. He wants me dead.

If you're scared ring 999.

I really hope you find the support you need. Like people say there is support out there somewhere, they will help maybe jus email if that's what you need to do first and
go from there.