Parenting two very different children

[MummyFellDown]

Kids have gone back to school and I’m really struggling to work out how to manage their vastly different needs. Oldest is 7 and has lots of additional needs including ADHD, SEN, developmental delays and waiting for an ASD referral. Youngest is 4 and has just started school. The problem is 7 year old is struggling with school. Sitting still, staying at tables, tasks etc are too much. They need more physical stiimulation and aren’t getting it in class, so they come out wired and needing physical movement. We usually do an hours walking or bike riding after school and sometimes a post dinner stroll. The issue is that since starting school, the four year old can’t keep up. He’s exhausted after class and is literally lying on the floor crying when asked to do something as simple as putting shoes away.

if oldest doesn’t get the exercise they’re behaviour is horrendous. Youngest is too tired to manage anything. I’m a single parent so need to work this out by myself. Oh and youngest is at school now so won’t even consider the pushchair 🤦‍♀️ I know it’ll get better when youngest adjusts, but what the hell do I do for now? Evenings are hell and I feel like I can’t get it right for either! What do others in this situation do?

I am in the same situation so I do empathise. Is there anything you can set up for your big one at home while the little one rests? Trampoline. Treadmill. Exercise bike. There are lots Available second hand and cheap. An active computer game like wii fit. ? I have a lot of stairs in my house so I do treasure hunts at home. I send her up to the top and down and up and down.

Can't you go to a park and let 7 yo run while 4 yo just sits? From my memory of 4yo starting school a full day then an hours walk then more activity after dinner would just be unfair and far too much for them. Agree with pp that trampoline or skipping ropes in garden may be good for 7 yo?

@butterflyfox we have a trampoline and an indoor active fit thing. Oldest doesn’t do any screens at all, just isn’t interested (most people think this is great, but it actually means there’s not much respite!) I might look at a treadmill though. No idea where I’d put it 😁

@MichelleScarn we only have a small play area near us and go there several times a week already. We would have to travel in the car to get to a proper park (we live quite rurally)

4yo could still go in a buggy. or a bike seat. I don't care what other ppl think about it, you're meeting needs of your family.

Could you set up a sort of activity circuit for 7 yo in the garden like this?

Are there any after-school sports clubs near you that you could sign your elder DC up to? If you'd have to wait for them, maybe take younger DC along with a comfy sleeping-bag, tablet, headphones and snacks so they can have some relax time while waiting for the eldest. Even just in the back of the car if the club is outside.

I would just force the 4 year old into a buggy

4 year old won’t go In the buggy. It’s just hysterical screaming the entire time they’re in it.

We do swimming one evening, OT an evening and guides one evening so we are pretty activity-d out if I’m honest. It’s just a physical need to move on the other days

Will the older one do a Joe Wicks or similar exercise video?

Do you have a big garden? Swingball is good or a swing. Or you could look into one of those indoor swings/climbing frames that are popular for children with autism/ADHD.

I'd also try going for a walk and taking the buggy with you, but let the 4 year old walk until he says he can't and then offer the buggy rather then forcing him in from the start.

Do you have a garden? My 9YO is autistic and spends a lot of time literally pacing in the garden. I WFH and can't taken him out until after tea. So he goes out in the garden before tea. Then after tea he gets out in the street or goes for a walk.

You mention bike riding, can you get an attachment for your younger child so they can rest in it while you cycle alongside your eldest?

Would the younger one consider a “piggy back” in a sling? Mine wouldn’t go in a pushchair but love this www.babipur.co.uk/carriers-slings/carriers-by-brand/tula-carriers/tula-preschool-kids-toddler-carrier/tula-preschool-kids-carrier-play.html?gclid=CjwKCAjw9suYBhBIEiwA7iMhNBzcioA12zKeq0SdapoK_mgeddISKI9qfPOpFRqpgh0u5N-a5xvJaRoCvT4QAvD_BwE

Otherwise agree on bike seat

One of those scooters with a seat and then a strap on the handlebars for you to pull them?
A little wagon - you could make it comfy and have snacks in it?

With the additional needs, at school ensuring movement breaks etc are a valid thing to request as a reasonable adjustment and might help?

I have a very similar 7 year old - I've actually found his need for activity/movement after school is also that he isn't mentally stimulated enough (wrong SEN school setting for him, new school starts Monday!!) and actually exercising his brain (things like jigsaw puzzles, simple games like bingo or snakes and ladders) tires him out more (if I can persuade him...!). The more physical activity he has, the more he wants it and can't settle down. Just a thought to consider!

This is a really bad idea. It’s one of the things I really struggle with as I think it can be easy for the needs of a ND child to totally dictate the lives of a whole family and that’s simply not fair. That’s exhausting for a four year old. And then he’s to be ‘forced into a buggy’ and sit there so that his sibling’s needs are being met while his aren’t. When does he get time to chill at home, play, relax, follow his own interests? It’s not acceptable.

I sympathise so much op. I have the same (but sort of opposite) problem. My son is autistic and prefers to be at home, struggles with having to attend anything after school as it’s a challenging day for him. Obviously I could just ‘force’ his siblings to live an enclosed life where they’re not able to access any normal activities but that would be so, so unfair to them. It’s a balancing act, to ensure ALL children in the family have their needs met. Can you afford to put your older son into some activities after school? Is there any family who would be willing to help out, even say twice a week, so that your younger son is able to have a bit of relaxed time?

Oh I see you already do activities. In that case it is extremely difficult. Can you reach out to any professional help and explain the issues? They might have some thoughts on coping mechanisms and what you could do.