Top tips needed for graduate DC moving back home

[drivinmecrazy]

DD graduated a few months ago but due to working is not home until next weekend.

Quite frankly we're all kind of dreading it, DD included!

We've got so used to being just the three of us (DD2 (17) DH & I).
I can foresee many tantrums while we all adjust so looking for strategies to best ensure a peaceful readjustment.

DD1 lost her big bedroom to her sister so there is already a lingering resentment about that, as well as having to shoehorn all her accrued worldly possessions into it.

Most pressingly has been the jealously from both children.
One having got used to being an 'only child' and the other losing her independence and already trying to dominate with her dogmatic personality and opinions.

Gonna be such a tough period of adjustment for us all.

Luckily for me I'm going to Spain for six weeks three days after she returns so kind of jumping ship 😂 (not completely off the hook cos DD1 is coming out to stay with me for a few weeks hopefully giving DH & DD2 a bit of respite)

How have you & your DC found the readjustment and do you have any tips

Finance - just be clear from the off.
does she have a job?
is she expected to take something part time/casual/ minimum wage while she looks for a dream job?
once she’s earning is she expected to contribute? A fixed amount or a percentage?

housework - again be clear. Does everyone in the family cook one night a week?
who does the cleaning? If it’s shared is she expected to do one area a week (living room/kitchen/hall stair landing etc.

do you mind what time she gets in?

guests - any night of week or just weekends? What about overnight?

will she have use of a car?

We’ve got young adults coming and going. You have to be clear or you’ll feel resentful getting home after a busy day and the dishes being everywhere, wet washing in machine or still on the line. Well I do anyway.

Good luck. Lots of young people will be in this situation.

We've had the discussion about money and plans.
We've given her a three month grace period to sort out her plans but are clear after this point she will have to find a source of income to contribute in some way.
Won't be charging rent at any point but will need a contribution of some sort, more for her own sake than ours.
TBH I'm not so worried about that as she's very driven to earn her own money.

Cooking is likely to be a major flashpoint. She loves to cook and is great at it. BUT she's the kind of cook that uses pots and pans that even I have no idea I have and likes to use as many as possible for one dinner, then will sit down basking in her own glory. Meanwhile kitchen looks like something from Hiroshima and I get the joy of cleaning up 😂

Think I'll use the time when she comes out to see me to nail these things down.

Ha tricky re the genius chef. A friend has a family member like this and they agree meals for the week and the rule is if you cook you also tidy up.

I think our major hurdle
Will be the jealousy.
For example for her sisters 17th birthday we've got her driving lessons. DD1 was offered this (many times) but decided she didn't want to learn to drive. Now she's saying she wants to learn but is looking to us to provide money for lessons. Our argument is that we've offered plenty of times but she refused.
Also for her sisters 18th next year I'm taking her to Greece just the two of us for a week (what DD2 has asked for) and DD1 moaned that it's not fair she's not included. Yet for her 18th we paid for her to go away with her then boyfriends family for three weeks in the Far East !!
She seems to be envious of what we are doing for her sister and what her sister gets but it's just not true.
She had all the opportunities we're now giving to DD2 but is feeling hard done by.
So hard to walk the tightrope when you've got someone on the sidelines determined to make you fall 😂

its very tricky. Treating them fairly doesn’t mean treating them the same.

tbh though if you can afford it I would be tempted to pay for a course of driving lessons for her. Depending on where you live it could help widen her employment options.
also we all make decisions at 17/18 and might decide something else at 21 or 22.

That's true and yes we're considering offering to pay for half of her lessons.

It's particularly difficult as her boyfriend is at the other end of the county and many of her friends are doing their masters so not too many friends will be local.

Sounds as if we're not looking forward to her coming home. We really are but also being realists. It's going to be really difficult.

Luckily DD2 should be heading to uni next year so if DD1 is still at home then the pressures should be somewhat eased.

I think DD2 has experienced being an only child for the first time in her life so may struggle more than we will.
Although having DD1 on hand to deal with her UCAS application and personal statement will be a huge bonus!!

I'm sure I'll look back at this in several years and cry into my coffee cup as We sit in an empty house when they both fly the nest 😝

If she's a nightmare cook, then the rule is that you tidy after too!
Schedule for cleaning and washing
What does her contribution include, will she be asking for fancy shampoo, shower gel, snacks etc

I'd write down all the things she was offered as a teen, say you gave her every opportunity and now it's dd2 turn so don't be churlish!

When my DC moved back home after uni I found it fine but they both came back during all the holidays so that was 5 months a year.
It was noisier and busier at home but we all rubbed along fine.

Oh gosh we have this too with DS1 coming back as his accomodation has fallen through and nothing else found yet so he'll be commuting for uni. DS2 is dreading it. They'll have to share a room and DS1 is extremely messy and doesn't look after anything and his attitude is now 'it's not my room' when asked to clean when he's visiting so longer term he'd need to change his attitude. He cooks for himself sometimes but not often and seems to be living on takeaways unless we cook for him so we aren't happy with that either. He brings his girlfriend up whenever he pleases even when asked not to and then says he didn't think it would be an issue because of X and Y. I am stressed thinking about it and DS2 is dreading it.

It's sad because I'd love to have him back but just don't have a lot of space and we'll have to make a lot of changes (mostly to his attitude!!) to accomodate him. He's got bad mental health so I feel like I can't rock the boat and make him feel unwelcome.

So definitely following this thread for the advice OP gets.

You seem very pessimistic.
Perhaps she'll find a great job/ boyfriend etc and homelife will come a boring second.

We had ds1 come home after uni and then living abroad (thanks covid) and have enjoyed it in the main. My advice is to set expectations from day one that they will be treated (and expected to behave) as an adult rather than the teen they used to be. Being an adult includes taking an equal share in household tasks, contributing financially, planning the shopping, cleaning the bathroom or whatever without being told.
I do think your stance on the driving lessons sounds a bit unfair. So she didnt want the lessons earlier when she was younger - why is the gift withdrawn now just because she's older? Smacks a little of favouritism of dd2 there.

We haven't! She's moving back again soon aged 22 after a fall out with her house mates. I've told her to focus on her career now and stop the shenanigans! DD2 is livid!

We always knew that the boomerang years would follow uni so would never have swapped bedrooms. The AC have been backwards and forwards as is the norm and will happen with your Dd2. It’s tough out there, there needs to be not just a job but a certain income to move out and rent a place, whether that’s a house share or a studio flat. I guess it wouldn’t have occurred to us to have swapped the rooms and I can understand your dd1’s resentment even if it seemed like a great idea at the time. It’s been a few years until our AS1 could finally afford to move out after finishing uni and only when he was truly settled did we move his younger brother into his room, with his agreement.

I bet your DD1 doesn’t want to be in this position either, it feels like such a backward step to move back into the parental home, even though this is completely normal.

I know you’re planning to cut her some slack but I do understand her feelings tbh, about being displaced / replaced. The pecking order is going to have to shift again and that bedroom is going to be a raw symbol IMO.
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I do think your stance on the driving lessons sounds a bit unfair. So she didnt want the lessons earlier when she was younger - why is the gift withdrawn now just because she's older? Smacks a little of favouritism of dd2 there.

I do agree withHaffdonga. It will take some sensitive handling