Friend displaying very strange behaviour

[Squiff70]

I really need some help with this situation MN because I have no idea what's going on.

Two weeks ago I went into hospital to have a planned c-section. A friend and her husband offered to look after our 2 year old daughter for the day and offered to have her overnight too if necessary. She asked us to take the travel cot for that reason. All was planned and her daughter was very excited to have a playmate for the day.

C-section day came, baby arrived happy and healthy. Advised friend everything was okay and I asked politely whether DP should go to collect our daughter in the evening or whether she'd prefer for her to stay overnight. A reply came at 6pm saying she couldn't look after her overnight due to prior commitments the following morning. She'd offered and asked for the travel cot, but okay. DP went to pick her up. She told him our daughter had been an angel all day - no problems, no tears etc. Thanked her accordingly and took our daughter home. We then sent a card and small gift to thank them.

Skip a few days. We're all home and take baby on his first outing with his sister to the local park. I get a text saying I'm being watched, from friend's phone. Confused, I start looking round. She then appears in front of me with her daughter. No congratulations, no peering into the pram to have a look, no acknowledgement of our new baby whatsoever, no asking how I am/we are. Nothing. The whole conversation seemed odd. Weirder still, this is our local park but she lives at least 30 min drive away. Co-incidental. It's a free country, so okay.

For the following 4 days, my occasional WhatsApp messages to her were read but unreplied to.

Skip a few more days. Friend and her daughter turn up randomly at our house at 7pm without any prior discussion or invitation. We are warm and welcoming, of course. Invited them to cuddle the baby. Friend was full of compliments. She gave our daughter a children's book and said they'd just bought it for her. We were grateful. We then gave HER daughter a birthday card and gift voucher for a toy shop. No word of thanks whatsoever. After they left, my little girl brought me the book to read to her. I opened the front cover and there was a handwritten message inside by the author. It was a message to my friend's daughter, so clearly the book hadn't been bought for our little girl as she'd told us. I don't mind being regifted things at all, but why lie?

All this behaviour, and other things besides, seems very odd to us. She's never been like this before, so what's going on?

She sounds like a right weirdo.

It’s all very very odd. Distance yourself. My bet is she’s very jealous of your newborn baby.

I’ve had a similar scenario. Was friendly with SIL for years and the moment I had a baby she stopped speaking to me. Really very bizarre behaviour.

She’s jealous of your baby and struggling to hide it / act normal around you.

do you know why she was in the area of the park?
is there a medical issue?
perhaps she is depressed?
on new medication?

My first thought is that she is having trouble conceiving a second child herself, or perhaps her DH is not in favour of another baby and she is finding it hard to come to terms with.

Thank you all for your replies. I was fully expecting to be told I was overreacting to be honest. It's almost a relief to know I'm not since many of you understand my concerns.

Yes, it would be perfectly understandable for her to struggle with the fact that we have a new baby. I can't go into details of somebody else's medical history or family circumstances and certainly don't mean to drip feed but yes, the baby thing is certainly having an impact on her. That said, it doesn't explain all her behaviour. Why approach us in the park when she'd seen us from quite a distance away knowing we hadn't seen her and didn't know she was there? She was there with her daughter and had met up with others but chose to come over to us. If she was struggling why not keep her distance and maybe message me asking if we wanted to meet up some other time? Why say she's bought our daughter a book when she hadn't but no gift for the new baby? We do not expect gifts from anybody by the way - it just seemed odd. Also, why turn up randomly at 7pm when she lives a considerable distance away? It wasn't like she just popped in as she found herself in the area - it was a deliberate and probably planned visit on her part without any prior discussion with us. We had no idea she might just turn up (and found it a bit rude if I'm honest).

She wasn't like this until recently. We've been friends for about 5 years so this is strange and stands out to us. She's looked after our daughter before (recently), for a couple of hours, and there were no problems.

She would have no reason to suspect or believe that we are not looking after our children so I have no idea how one person reached that conclusion!

As for something medical/neurological, I honestly have no idea. I will not be speaking to her husband behind her back but equally I don't know how to broach the issue directly with her, or even if I should.

i would just contact her directly and ask her how she is ? is everything olk? to see if she opens up?

there may well be issues going on but you can still reach out, no hurry

Sounds like she has stuff going on in her own life so I don't think it's about you and new baby directly. Likely issues in her marriage and/or financial? I'm speculating.

I'd say she's got stuff going on that you're not aware of. Slightly off texts and talk can be the result of someone who's brain is just rather fried and not able to concentrate. Turning up in the evening unnannounced with a present - she almost certainly hadn't realised the book had a message in - could be see as a bit of a cry for help. Mental health difficulties, relationship stress, financial stess, fertility issues - any one or more of these could be at play. Don't turn your back on her though. If you do get the chance - and energy with a newborn - can you check in with her, ask how she is, say she hasn't seemed herself recently?

I know of someone who was on antidepressants for a while. The doctor increased the dose by too much and she ended up being admitted to a psych ward via A and E after her behaviour got more and more strange over a few days. Luckily her friends realised she was very unwell and took her to hospital. Could it be something like that? Or a worsening mental health condition?

There’s enough pointedness and contradiction from your friend to suggest there’s a problem. Maybe it’s health related and others are on the receiving end as well? Maybe she’s offering her help and then feels you’re taking advantage of her (even though she’s offered the help). Maybe she wants another baby but can’t afford it, fertility probs, hubby says no etc. You could try asking a few questions but if she’s gone down the passive aggressive route, she’ll likely just play games/evade. It maybe best to fade out of the picture for a while?

If she's struggling with the new baby, that could explain otherwise inexplicable behaviour. Maybe she wants to continue the friendship, and wants to see you, but struggles with anything baby-related. That's how I'd interpret it: just someone with conflicting feeling, struggling to work out how to behave. I'd just treat her gently and let her work through it.

I'm inclined, and was even before your last post, to say this is down to jealousy rather than a medical issue.

Jealousy is a powerful emotion and influences so many behaviours in different ways. Given that she's historically a good friend, I'd consider bringing it up gently with her. Not her presumed jealousy! - Her odd behaviour. Find a caring, non accusatory way (don't mention the book).

Or don't mention the behaviour and just ask her gently if she's struggling with the birth of your dc. You understand if she needs some space but hope it won't hurt your friendship and you're still there for her etc.

I would think speaking to her husband would actually be a kind thing to do. Either way, don't let her babysit again.