Was I too blunt?

[Carrie76]

My lovely FIL is battling cancer, he was doing really well for the last year but he got bad news last week and we’ve been told it’s only a matter of weeks.

DH has gone to stay with him for however long he has left. It’s a couple of hours away so we’ll only see him every now and again for the next while.

I told the DC (12,10.7) that their grandad will more than likely die soon and their dad has gone to stay with him. We will of course visit him as much as we can. I told DH this evening and he was surprised he thought I’d say something like he’s sick and it can’t be cured. Was I too blunt?

You said exactly the right thing. It's the truth and your children aren't babies.

Honestly, I think with children it’s better to be as clear as possible.

My beloved grandad died of cancer in 1999 when I was 18, right up until the week he died I didn’t realise it was the end even though he was in a hospice, because no one outright said he was going to die, there was nothing left that would help. He was the first person I ever knew to go into hospice so I didn’t know it was for end of life care.

I think so long as you were sensitive, it’s fine. I’m sorry you’re family are going through it.

In my opinion, it it not helpful to pretend that death doesn't exist. Having said that, there are age-appropriate ways of breaking the news that a loved one is going to die. How did your children take the news? Do you have doubts about how you told them?

Sorry your family is dealing with this.

And it’s definitely better to avoid euphemisms like ‘passed away’ for younger children like your 7 YO.

Sounds fine to me and not really that different from what DH suggested.

It is all in the delivery though so if you causally mentioned it while watching TV or yelled it up the stairs then obviously that's too blunt. If you told them sensitively then I don't think the specific language matters too much.

Better to be factual in this situation

100% this. I was 17 when my grandad died and it came as a huge shock to me. My mum told me a few years later he had leukaemia but didn't tell me to 'protect me'. I was more than old enough to know and really wished I'd been told so I could have spent more time with him, cherished the time I did spend with him and ask him questions about his life that I wasn't able to ask after he'd gone 😔

Thanks for the replies, I thought it was best to say it as it is. I actually told them in the car about 3 mins from home as I knew I’d have their full attention. When we got home the youngest was quite upset and we sat together and had a cuddle for a while. I explained to them that the most important thing is that grandad isn’t in any pain and that it’s better when you’re very ill that you don’t hang on for a long time in a lot of discomfort.

I think that's a normal way of putting it. What's more important is how you talked to them afterwards

I think being honest is the best way, my grandad died recently and my younger 2 who are 11 and 9 were told towards the end that he was terminal and that he would die .

You need bluntness for clarity with younger ones. They have enough to process without having to worry about joining the dots. However for your husband it must be very hard to hear it put like that. Maybe this is just his emotional response to hearing those words, naturally enough, rather than a considered and rational argument.

Also remember that kids tend to repeat what they hear, so you might want to give them some softer language for talking to their grandparents. And to their dad, perhaps. Even a sensitive and considerate 7 year old could start a conversation "So Grandad, I'm very sorry that you will die soon" if that's the language that has been used with them.