I’m annoyed DH has done this, he thinks I’m over-reacting - am I?

[Nocrispsinthehouse]

Dh and I are both 50, been together 34 years.
DH has just lost his uncle. Uncle had one son, dh’s cousin, they are relatively close. Personally, I’ve not really had much to do with him and maybe have spoken around half a dozen times in these 34 years.
The cousin is 60, not married and has no dependents.
He asked DH to sign to have Power of Attorney, if and when the time comes, executor and beneficiary of the will also.
DH and his cousin have today sorted this out at the solicitor’s.
He has come home and said that the solicitor asked if the worst should happen and something happened to dh before the cousin who would agree to have POA? DH merrily gave the solicitor my name and said I would do it!
I am fuming. I hardly know this guy and and currently dealing with all of this with my own parents. I care for my mum, she has Alzheimer’s and the stress of dealing with everything including the possibility of finding her a suitable care home in the next year or so is so very stressful. The thought of the possibility of doing this in the future for someone I hardly know is a little overwhelming.
DH says I am overreacting, he seems to think it’s as simple as my signing a few papers and if the worst came and his cousin became infirm or had dementia etc and needed to go into a home all he has to do now is name the care home he would like to end up in and it will all be sorted come the time with just a simple signature from me.
He obviously has no bloody idea.
And on top of that I am sodding fuming that he chose to put my details down and assumed I would be up for this without even a quick text or phone call to ask me for my opinion.
I feel bad now that I kicked off and maybe I am overreacting but I’ve had a bad week looking after my mum and this may have clouded my vision.
But I hardly know this guy though, we have zero in common. I know he’s dh family but even so, why should it fall on my shoulders?
My mind is shot to bits right now. I don’t know, am I blowing this out of proportion?

You're not overeacting! Give yourself a break, you are already having a difficult time and you must be exhausted. I would feel really fuming too.

Your DH has no insight into the level of commitment involved in a POA. It's totally unacceptable for him to do that to you. Even if it NEVER transpired you still have the worry of knowing you have been pust in the situation.

Just calmy explain it won't be possible for you to take another commitment on. Tell him he will need to explain to the cousin. You don't need to offer any explanation or reason just say, it won't be possible and he'll need to amend his mistake.

Have a nice time relaxing and try not to let it get to you.

YANBU.

In addition to what you've said, if your DH wasn't able to be POA for the cousin it would be because he's alive but not capable, in which case presumably you'd be having to deal with everything for him, or else dead and you'd be on your own.

From a practical POV, it's probably better the backup is someone significantly younger.

And even if you didn't have very good reasons for not wanting to do this ... ffs, you just don't volunteer someone for any sort of legal responsibilities without consulting them. I'm astonished the solicitor took your details without checking with you.

I wouldn't worry about it, honestly, though I understand why you're upset. It's extremely unlikely to come to that, that you'd be called upon to take up the role. Also, if it did happen, you're not obliged to do it, you could ask a solicitor to take up the responsibilities. The cost of this could come from the estate.

I would phone up the solicitor and say that I wasn't prepared to have my name on there. Your husband sounds really daft to think it wouldn't mean anything to you.

Thanks everyone. I’ve told DH that I simply don’t want the responsibility regardless if it comes to anything or not. He’s agreed to ask his brother instead. He still thinks I’m overreacting though.

YABU and projecting too much onto the situation. Also, you're talking as if it's a done deal you will outlive your DH when you actually might die before both of them. Wills are just worst case scenario documents. Also, knowing that your cousin in-law doesn't have anybody else? Would it be so sad to do him that one favour?

It is simple. Do what I did.

My DM had POA over my uncle's affairs after he lost capacity, but she died first. I instructed a solicitor to take over and that was that. I had nothing more to do with it at all.

Easy one to solved. Write a formal letter to the solicitor and copy the same letter to the cousin. In it you state that on no account will you take on POA for <cousin name>. You will take no responsibility for a man you barely know who is too rude and inconsiderate to even ask your consent. Signed, No crisps. Keep copies.

Post them recorded delivery.

Don't bother telling DH you've done this. He doesn't deserve that courtesy.

YANBU. Taking on POA is a big thing so doing it without your consent for someone you barely know is ridiculous. You are taking care of your mums affairs so leave the cousin to the BIL and tell your DH on no account is he to assume things on your behalf in future.